
Do you know what kills a relationship? Commitment. So, as long as you didn’t hit the back button I know you’re open minded, but I’m on a short leash. The longer you’re in a relationship, the expectation is for it to eventually lead down an isle. That weirds me out! After two-years divorced from a twenty-two-year marriage. I don’t want to say “Hi, I’m Adam. Do you mind if I sit with you?” to mean anything more than an attempt to — see. After the lust, daily interaction, and flirting do we still really want to hang-out?
My definition of a relationship is going to be different than the norm. We’ll get to that, “It’s why I wrote this post”. In my head, I sounded like Reese Witherspoon just now.
Commitment, I would compare it to the argument of the ages, “Are you a cat person, or a dog person?”
Dog: A dog is known as your best friend, because like a best friend… Actually, hopefully you’re not like this to your best friend. Even if you spank your dog (for pissing on the floor, not full-on abuse people, stop trying so hard), he will still come to you. Happyily. Give you kisses and lay up against your leg while you watch a football game. Sure your best friend will raise their head, judging you, when you yell at the TV. However, they still stay where they are and go back to sleep.
Cat: I have only owned three cats. This analogy works because this is how it was with all three of my cats. The cat came to me when it wanted attention. They would be around for a football game, but not next to your leg. On your lap. Then if you lay down at half-time, on your chest. Purring. Even wet nose kisses. Then all of sudden your cat is distracted. Now, even though I have had three-cats. I’ve also had six dogs. This reactrion by the cat always confuses me because, as a past dog owner, this is the same reaction the dog would makee when they heard something. Possibly down the dark hallway, towards your bedroom, where the windows are open.Then suddenly, your cat darts off in the opposite direction! You pop-up, starteled, a little scared, squinting to see if someone is there. This is when you remember that you are in an apartment, on the third floor.
As kids we are told by our parents, church, your grandmother, marriage a promise you make to each other forever. It’s the “next step”, right? This “next step” is the one after your fight over money and the reason for moving in together; “We should move-in together, I think I’m ready to take that next step.” The whole “until death do we part” is wrong. The whole construct of marriage is a guilt trip. You swallow those feelings in the name of “marriage” but they breed adultrey, abandonment, and commitment issues in the kids of divorced couples. I know, dramatic. There are exceptions to the rule.
Was this one of those questions we are told to ask, at the begining of a new relationship?
“Um, Babe? I know we have been seeing each other, for like 30-days, like everyday. That’s great. But, well, what I need to know is. What is your definition of commitment?
I mean, Babe, everything you’re showing me now:
1. You come over when I call you.
2. You’ll lay under my arm while I watch football.
3. Then you follow me to bed when I am ready to “go to sleep”
So yeah, babe, that is awesome. After all that, what is your definition of commitment?
If she would’ve answered,
“All that coming over when you call, sitting with you while you watch a football game, is over. That shit, of me waiting to go to bed when you’re ready, over. Forget about trying to wake me up to have sex.”
A relationship should just be another word for friendship. When you’re friends, you call and ask if they want to hangout. It’s been my experience, that when you’ve entered into a relationship, which is more than a friendship, it’s assumed you’re doing something together. Whenever one, or the other, has free time. The other person needs to be asked out. Also, it’s not the guys responsibility to ask. Yes, you have to ask “do you want to do something tonight” because, everyone is allowed to say, “no.” Of course I want you to say, “Yes.” I am the one doing the asking. So, the option to say, “no” has to stay. How many fights would’ve been avoided if you said, “no.” Arguments that are only started because you’re extra stressed from a long day. Tired. Would rather go to bed. Don’t confuse it, it’s just alone time. It’s not a silent conflict of how you feel about the other. Alone time should be for mental time-off. You need to be the source of your own happiness. Does being in a book group make you happy? Cycling? Running? Going out with friends? Yes, even going out with your friends where people of the opposite sex are. You should be allowed to meet a new person. Have drinks. Exchange numbers. That’s all fine. As long as when you are with me, you’re with me. Present. Interested. When you are with me it’s because you want to be. You are showing me you would like attention from me. How much attention I get is determined by how I treat you.
“Actions prove who someone is, words just prove who they want to be.” kushandwizdom
There you go, my definition of a relationship. Am I kidding myself? It’s not the beginning of a contract or a stairway to heaven. It’s just a companion, a partner in crime, determined by you. Now I just have to get up the nerve to introduce myself to you!
