I’m Guy Fieri, And I’m Hurt

Guy Fieri here. You know why I’m upset. Yeah, it’s because of your behavior on Guy’s Grocery Games. Hannah, you’re a former friend and brilliant chef. Liza, you beat Bobby Flay on Beat Bobby Flay. Ron, you’re okay. I invited you all onto my show so America could watch you run through an enormous private grocery store, gathering ingredients to make a delicious dish. There’s plenty for everyone, but America loves it when you pull raw, prepackaged meat out of the hands of your opponents. That’s not what happened though, is it?

I can’t express the excitement I felt when I watched you all beeline it to the dry goods aisle. When you got closer to the pasta section, I genuinely thought things were about to get interesting. Three different pasta dishes! Who will make the best one? My heart sank when I saw Ron take a Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese box off the shelf, but I thought, “Well, I mean, it is Ron.” When Liza took a Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese box off the shelf, I was confused, but I had hope she could elevate the dish. Like… she did beat Bobby Flay. Then Hannah took a box of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese off the shelf and it felt like someone gut-punched me right in the Hawaiian shirt.

Now this sounds petty, but I’m upset that nobody even bothered to use the Guy’s Grocery Games shopping carts to get the Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese. I love watching people careen around the store with their carts. I derived absolutely no joy from watching all three of you walk calmly to Aisle 6, grab a box of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese, and return to your stations without incident.

Listen, I’m not a monster. Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese is really good. And I’m not denying how easy it is to prepare. Literally all you do is pour the orange cheese product from the silver pouch onto the pasta you’ve cooked. But that kind of meal has no place on Guy’s Grocery Games. You guys know that. Watching three people make Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese has got to be the most boring thing I’ve ever done on or off television.

Ron, you overcooked your macaroni. While that should be something that you’re past at this point in your career, I have to thank you. It was the only distinctive feature any one dish had over any of the other dishes.

This next issue is on me, but it doesn’t make it any less vexing. All of the plates on Guy’s Grocery Games are white. When you plated the Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese, it became impossible to tell which dish belonged to which contestant. Well, that’s not totally fair. Ron, we could tell which one you made. Regardless, it all made for incredibly boring visuals, and was really confusing for me and the judges.

The judges have to be applauded. They got really creative with synonyms for “cheesy shells.” Ron, obviously you were sent home due to your inability to properly cook pasta. Liza and Hannah, we could not distinguish your dishes enough to make a final decision, and to be honest we kind of lost track of whose plate was whose, so we called it a tie.

As you know, the final challenge is for the remaining contestant (contestants, in this case) to gather as many items from my grocery list as possible. Even though I was put off by your performance thus far, I wanted to make it easy. Every item on my list could be found in the produce section. I didn’t even add weird vegetables that you had to guess on. Just carrots, lettuce, and red russet potatoes. Imagine my dismay when you both walked your carts back to Aisle 6, evenly split up the remaining boxes of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese, and returned to the front of the store. Well, obviously neither one of you got any extra money for this. You could have made serious cash by just throwing a few vegetables in your cart. I don’t understand how you both picked Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese over $20,000. Did Velveeta put you up to this?! Or do you just hate me?!!?!?!?!?!!!?!?

Due to our rigorous filming schedule, we don’t have time to reshoot this episode. It will air on June 17th at 9PM EST. You’ve tarnished my name and the sterling reputation of Guy’s Grocery Games. Maybe even that of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, too. I haven’t been so upset since 2003 when my best friend, the lead singer of Smash Mouth, accidentally dropped a plate of flamin’ hot chicken kabobs on my favorite pair of boardshorts. I hope you’re happy.

Guy Fieri, rolling out.