I walked into a room of genuinely kind and amazing people then proceeded to emotionally trip myself. While I was faceplanting into self-doubt, my mind decided to play the comparison game — the official soundtrack of my self-sabotage.
For the first time in a while, I was scared to have a conversation. I was scared to be seen. I couldn’t even maintain eye contact! For most of the event, I could only replay every mistake I made while ignoring all of my progress. Rumination tends to do that to a person.
The bystander effect silently wreaks havoc until one person decides to break it. It maintains itself with the looming thought — someone else will do something. I spent years waiting for someone else to break the silence; that’s the struggle with social niceties, anything off the norm may make you look rude. Silence is still very normal.
It took a terrifying amount of time to break the silence for myself. The loudest minds can gaslight themselves to complacent silence. That does not mean I am a victim of anything. I allowed societal structures and social decorum to stifle the possible…
I wrote this piece not long after the Parkland shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. I tucked it away thinking I was being too emotional. It disgusts me that even the smallest part of this poem is still relevant and people are still suffering.
You aren’t there but you feel the fire.
Sparks in every heart.
Candles for every life.
A wildfire that you have only read about in history books.
Crying that this is in the history books.
There’s a sting of disappointment.
You know we all could have done better.
We all could have said something sooner.
You know where change lives but realize that…
The mind is like a plant, how one feeds and treats it determines if it will blossom or perish. Plants need water and nutrients to grow. You control the flow. The moment it stops, water becomes stagnant. The once clear, calm, and collected becomes murky, lost, and dark. It attracts rats and pests — intrusive thoughts if you will — that attack the plant you worked so hard to cultivate.
I have talked friends through this concept countless times but my mind went blank when I needed it most. The feeling was like Chinese water torture, the droplets reminding me…
If you’re here, there are a few situations running through my head: you are looking to feel something, find someone to relate to, or you are curious to see what the abyss of my life felt like. If you were looking for a happy ending, well, you may want to hold your breath because I have only caught a glimpse of what sunshine looks like.
So let’s begin and break it down.
You hear this over and over but there is an occasional truth to repetition. Depending on how stubborn you are, some lessons are not learned until they are…