Not a Monday
This morning, I honestly thought it was a Monday. So earnestly that I devoted a great deal of my energy to actually leave the bed at a regular time, make coffee and sit in front my computer. It’s Monday, you’re in Rotterdam and you still don’t have a job. Or you do have a job but you’re just not doing it. That book that you should have written two years ago when you finished reporting? That book. So get to it, my friend. It’s a Monday.
Coffee in hand, computer on, Wi-Fi on. “I just need to clean up my mailbox and make sure that there’s nothing there that absolutely needs my attention”. What could that be? Another newsletter? An email from a friend. Oh, of course! All the FB-friends’ b-days that I missed last weekend for not being that much online. So message after message I soon realized it was 10. And my OS needed an update and I was also trying a new messaging system for the desktop. And 10 turned into 12. Truth be told, I mailed a couple of applications for positions that seemed wonderful — I even used today in one of the cover letters that line I had been thinking about for days: “I was awarded a PhD Cum Laude but please don’t hold that against me”. Hum. I was trying to sound funny, I guess. Was I?
Then lunch. Then siesta (I needed it. I was so tired of my procrastination). Waking up to my second Monday: “OK, this time, no mail, no whatsapp, nothing. Just writing”. And writing I went: to my astonishment, I could write. Whenever the phantom of whatonearthareyouwritingthisismostlycrap crept over me, I would stay firm. “I need to finish this city and begin the next one. Corrections will come”. So five pages it was. And I finished citynumbertwo and began citynumberthree. And then it was 16:30. And my Monday yoga class started at 17:30. So I prepared my clothes, my bag, and went back to writing and not thinking — Yoga was close. But wait… it was Not a Monday. Not a flexibility class but a hot yoga class. Oh, god. Was I up for it? Hot yoga? Bad positions from being all day in the computer? Sure?
Same method: don’t think, just move. JUST GO. And so I got there and Carmen saw me and said: “Wow… are you coming everyday? You’re so disciplined!”. I was so proud I could fake it so well. Me, disciplined… hum…
Class was kind of a small disaster: I couldn’t really see myself but my guess was that my shoulders were always at my ears, my butt way too high on the sky, my balance… oh, I saw my balance. I felt my balance — my lack of it. Puaj. But Lo Fei (my beautiful, balanced instructor) was way more kind to me that myself: “take your time… go to wherever you want to go… today is only today and your body might not be able to do what it did yesterday… but tomorrow who knows”. Completely sweaty, I decided to take a shower. And saw Scott — the studio dog - on my way out. I pet him a little between his hears and he looked at me like saying: “thank you, human. Are you staying with me a bit here? I got the nicest afternoon sun, see?”.
But I left: I did last minute shopping — message in: we’re three and not two for dinner tonite — and, as a treat, I bought myself a piece of coconut. I read today somewhere that it’s actually a very good fruit. The fact is I saw it and it look like going to the beach with my parents, and buying something for the road. And it tasted like childhood.
Got home. Groceries in, dinner in preparation. And then, as I sat down, my whole back cracked soundly. Breath in, breath out. “Be kind to your body… it might surprise you”, Lo Fei would say.
It was not a Monday. But it felt like one to me. And yet I survived it.