Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr Freeze and the Art of Ice Puns
It only takes one film to prove a writer’s job is snow joke.
I don’t know if it’s because lockdown has done strange things to my mind, but a few months ago I embarked on a journey which took a strange twist. I had bought a collection of Batman films on blu ray and set about re-watching them. So far so good. It started off well with the excellent Batman (1989), after which the quality starts to fluctuate, paving a road largely consisting of harmless fun and nostalgia. Until you reach Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin (1997), which is universally recognised as both the best and worst film ever made. Among various other baffling achievements, the film offers a big screen incarnation of the Batman villain Mr Freeze, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in glittery blue body paint. As a child I was easily impressed and actually rather liked this film, but re-watching it as a mid twenties film geek and a linguistics graduate, suffice to say I was utterly captivated.
Originally introduced in 1959 as a character named Mr Zero, Mr Freeze spent a large amount of his comic book career as a B-level villain. He didn’t really move into serious territory until the phenomenal ‘Heart of Ice’ story from Batman: The Animated Series, where genius writer and Batman master Paul Dini instigated Freeze’s redemption among Batman’s rogues. There is a rich history of Mr Freeze stories to delve into thanks to writers from across the last 30 years, including a more recent story by Tom King titled ‘Cold Days’ which I would thoroughly recommend. Personally, and I know this is a controversial opinion, but I would include Batman & Robin in Mr Freeze’s rich history, and I don’t think we should totally discredit it. The film’s depiction of Mr Freeze is bizarre. It offers brief moments of emotional complexity and fragility, which show real promise and indicate there was at least a small attempt to flesh this character out. However, his main presence throughout the runtime sees him enacting an utterly ridiculous scheme, which involves using diamonds to turn an observatory telescope into a giant freeze gun, and he spends an unholy amount of time spewing ice related jokes at any opportunity. Honestly, it is confusing. I’ve seen the film numerous times since I was a child, but this is the first viewing where I took the time to properly analyse it, leaving me with a key question. Considering the sheer number of ice jokes on display, is it utterly ludicrous and indicative of some serious issues in the writers room, or is it in fact genius writing and nothing short of impressive? It wasn’t enough to merely ask this question, I needed an answer.
The best way to answer any question is to put the hours in. Hence, I thought it would be a great use of my time to not only re-watch the film yet again, but to make note of any ice related jokes used throughout. And while I’m certain there are still some I may have missed, I think you’ll find the results of said research to be enlightening. So I present to you my findings: the ice related jokes I found in Batman & Robin in order. Please take this seriously, this is honestly one of my proudest achievements, and yes I am taking into consideration my undergraduate dissertation.
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1. “The Iceman cometh!” - this is Mr Freeze’s first line of dialogue in the film.
If you had any doubts, this is the moment which firmly cements an unrelenting tone. Buckle in folks.
2. “I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy” - a line said by Freeze before freezing one of his many victims into a solid block of plastic looking ice.
It’s in equal measures comedic and menacing, which I appreciate. Double meaning is going to be a big thing moving forwards.
3. “In this world, there is only one absolute: everything freezes!” - this is said after Freeze has broken the security glass protecting a diamond he intends to steal.
I’m not even sure this is a joke. He’s doing that thing where the villain walks around just…talking. But the way the line is delivered by Schwarzenegger certainly seems like it was intended to be a joke. It’s unclear who this line benefits. Certainly not the audience. Except for me and my research, obviously.
4. “You’re not sending me to the cooler!” - said whilst in a physical confrontation with Batman. [Just after the 5 minute mark]
I like it. It’s a solid line to say in a fight with Batman. There are some superheroes like Spider-Man who spend a lot of time quipping, but Batman isn’t really like that. So I figure if he’s not going to take advantage of the situation then at least let the villain have some fun.
5.“You get the ice, I’ll get the iceman” - said by Batman to Robin as Mr Freeze is attempting to flee the scene of the crime.
Again, I quite like this. In a sequence where they’re fighting an ice based villain and trying to prevent them from stealing a diamond, it’s playful. And it’s about as much characterisation Batman is given in this film.
6. “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” - so this is said when Freeze uses his freeze gun to bring down a model of a dinosaur (they’re in a museum, I think) and make his escape while the model collapses in spectacular fashion. Bearing in mind, this is all still part of the same opening sequence.
Again, he’s just kind of talking. I don’t think the writers were told they could have a sequence without dialogue being needed. It does make me think if Freeze spent less time and energy on these jokes then maybe his plans wouldn’t crumble and he might not get caught as often.
7. “Freeze well!” - said by Freeze before he ejects from a shuttle and leaves Batman and Robin to die. Yes, he was attempting to escape in what looks like a mini space shuttle, ejects from this and floats away after his suit is shown to have retractable butterfly wings. Again, this is still the same opening sequence.
It’s a big smug. Come on, he can do better than this.
8. “Stay cool, bird boy” - so this is said by Freeze after he has frozen Robin into a solid block.
Even though this is early in the film and the audience knows this isn’t the end of Robin (mostly because he’s in the bloody title) this is a weird line. It’s in a similar vein to Roger Moore’s James Bond, who would kill someone and then instantly crack a joke like a sociopath. This is oddly sinister in a film that is otherwise campy and “fun.”
9. “Can you be cold, Batman? You have eleven minutes to thaw the bird. What will you do? Chase the villain, or save the boy?” - the question asked directly after Freeze has frozen Robin, placing Batman in a sticky predicament. [15 minute mark]
This seems like a straight forward question, but the double meaning is subtle. Nice work Freeze.
10. “Freezy, I’m feeling hot” - this is a line said by Freeze’s sidekick(?) played by Vivica A. Fox. Freeze is in his lair, we see some of his minions and hear more about his plan etc. It’s a standard sequence to give the villain more screentime and allow for exposition.
This one really confuses me. I don’t think this character appears in any other sequence after this brief moment at Freeze’s less than subtle lair (it’s literally an abandoned ice cream factory). I checked IMDB because I didn’t think the character was named, but apparently they are. They’re listed as Ms B Haven in the credits, which is excellent if the writers were making it sound like “misbehaven”, which isn’t actually a word. The character flirts with her boss, who is not only married but utterly disinterested in her advances, and then she’s not seen again. I get the feeling this character was included after some ill-advised notes from a producer came through saying they needed more “sex appeal.” Hence, the character’s top half is a winter coat (which is see through), but her bottom half is fishnets and stockings? Even in the 1990s, they should have known better.
11. “Talk about your cold shoulder” - again, said by Freeze’s ill advised sidekick, but this time it’s after Freeze has dismissed her advances.
If there’s an organ in the human body which monitors intake of cringe, I think mine just ruptured.
12. He has a sidekick/ henchman who is called “Frosty.” - also revealed during the above sequence in the ice cream factory lair.
It seems to be a celebrated trope for Mr Freeze to have ice based associates, even in the comic books. In a more recent issue of Batman written by James Tynion IV (Batman issue 96) a future glimpse at Mr Freeze shows he has two sons, Sno-Cone and Icepop, who shout “chill out Bats!” at Batman during a heist. I guess super villains enjoy leaning into tropes sometimes.
13. “Alright everyone…chill!…chill…..kill!” - he’s invading a charity gala and is simultaneously killing/ chilling people. It’s another scheme to steal a big jewel, this time staged by Batman to force Freeze out into the open. [45 minute mark]
Excellent stuff. Communication is key, and Freeze is making his intentions very clear. Not every villain manages expectations like this.
14. “Cool party!” - he’s just trashed the charity auction to steal the jewel, gets into his vehicle to leave, then specifically pops his little blue head out of said vehicle just to say this line before he goes immediately back into the vehicle and leaves.
This is by far my favourite line of the entire film, not just including ice jokes. It doesn’t get any better than this, it is absolutely the high point of the film. I love the fact he was clearly leaving but then he specifically came back out of his vehicle to say this line, it’s absurd. It’s cheesy, sure, but in the best possible way. The rest of the film may be store brand cheddar, but this is premium cheese you’d find in a fancy restaurant.
15. “It’s a cold town” - this is a throwaway line said by Freeze while he’s in his armoured vehicle trying to escape.
Another example where I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a joke. Arnie’s delivery is fairly one note, so it does become difficult to distinguish between jokes and normal lines of dialogue.
16. “Allow me to break the ice” - by this point Freeze has been captured and sent to Arkham Asylum, so this line is said to two Arkham security guards when Freeze is first placed in his cell. [55 minute mark]
Again I like it, because the line is utterly ludicrous but its delivered in such a menacing way. It’s kind of a lame joke, but also makes it clear this guy has no intention of being a peaceful prisoner. In the same sequence he also refers to his own name as “the chilling sound of your doom” before grabbing the guards and smashing their heads together. First impressions are always tricky.
17. Poison Ivy describes him as an “icy customer.”
This is the point where you may be questioning whether the ice jokes are naturally spreading out to other characters, or if the writers forced it because they bought a book of ice puns and wanted to get their money’s worth.
18. “Let’s cool it for now” - said by Poison Ivy when she’s entered Freeze’s cell and reveals her plan to help him escape from Arkham.
Yep, it’s definitely spreading. We may have to set up a quarantine zone.
19. “Always winterise your pipes” - this is said by Freeze when he uses his suit’s abilities to freeze the pipes in Arkham, causing a wall to collapse and thus allowing himself, Poison Ivy and Bane to escape*.
The escape plan is ludicrous, so the line goes virtually unnoticed.
*I’ve thought about this and it’s made me really annoyed. Poison Ivy and Bane break into Arkham to break Freeze out, but they don’t have a proper plan. They get Freeze his suit and leave the rest up to him. This could have so easily fallen apart. In fact I’m more annoyed that the escape plan worked.
20. “Who needs a frigid wife anyway?” - said by Poison Ivy after she has disconnected the cable powering the containment unit Freeze’s wife is in, presumably leaving her to die within a short space of time and placing the blame on Batman.
Again this is part of the alarming James Bond convention of killing someone then immediately telling a joke. The double meaning of “fridged” (presumably meaning they’re refrigerated, but again isn’t an actual word) and the word “frigid” (relating to restraint in physical endeavours of a romantic or sexual nature) is way too sinister to discuss during an attempted murder. Also, this really comes out of nowhere. Freeze’s wife poses no threat because she’s literally on ice while Freeze tries to find a cure, and Ivy hasn’t expressed any interest in Freeze romantically, so this is just forced drama that will be brought up before the film’s conclusion.
21. “Their bones will turn to ice!” - so Freeze has found out his wife is “dead” and is having a bit of a strop, knocking over parts of the clearly plastic set.
I’m assuming this is supposed to be a turn on the usual villain threat of turning someone to dust or ash? I’ve lost all sense of rational thinking by this point of the film.
22. “If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest!” - Freeze is doing evil things. His big silly plan is happening and he’s happy about it.
I have so many questions. Namely, who has revenge on a Sunday? I thought Freeze was supposed to be a clever man. He’s Doctor Victor Fries, right? I don’t know why the film is so intent on making him look stupid at any given opportunity.
23. “Tonight, hell freezes over” - yet another line used while Freeze is enacting his evil diamonds and giant telescope plan.
Boring. I’ve heard it before.
24. “Let’s kick some ice!” - said by Freeze just before he fires up the giant telescope ice gun for the first time, to start freezing large portions of Gotham.
Sure, while we’re crashing and burning.
25. “No sign of the snowman” “maybe he melted?” - an exchange between Robin and Batgirl when they’ve arrived at Gotham Observatory to confront Mr Freeze and bring this crazy film to an end.
This is really where Batman should have intervened and made sure his employees were focused on the job. They’re at site to prevent a villain from causing a confusing amount of damage, and the sidekicks are busy cracking jokes. This isn’t the bloody Avengers! You can’t stand around cracking jokes while Rome burns in the background. I hope this cavalier attitude reflects in their next appraisal.
26. “Tonight’s forecast: a freeze is coming!” - Freeze sneaks up on Batman, with his big blue face appearing in front of what appears to be a giant magnifying glass, before he instigates another rigid fight sequence.
Nope, sorry. If you’re sneaking up on Batman then don’t announce your presence. What follows is your own fault because your compulsion for jokes is apparently more important than using tactics to defeat your primary antagonist.
27. “Freeze in Hell, Batman!” - so this is said during a sequence of explosions as Batman is saving the day, and Freeze exclaims this as I suppose a last hurrah.
Why not? It’s not like he was going to say anything else.
28. “Winter has come at last” - and with that, Freeze has delivered his final line of the film, upon entering his cell at Arkham Asylum. He’s seemingly been given a second chance by Batman and is allowed to continue his research, all whilst sharing a cell with Poison Ivy, whom he’s learnt had tried to kill his wife.
This is basically the film’s way of saying “shit is about to get real.” It ties a nice little bow out of some loose strands, and sets up what could be a more interesting story than what we’ve just seen. I’d pay to watch a sitcom where Freeze and Ivy share a cell at Arkham and comedically try to kill each other at regular intervals.
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Now we’ve got the total of jokes (which again, may still be missing some I hadn’t spotted), it’s time to run the numbers.
The runtime of the film is 124 minutes.
There’s a total of 28 jokes.
124 divided by 28 is 4.42. However, if we adjust this figure to compensate for time taken by opening and closing credits, I think we can round down to 4.
So on average there’s an ice related joke for roughly every 4 minutes of screentime.
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In terms of answering the key question of whether this is ludicrous or genius, I have concluded it is in fact both. Where you land on this topic is dependent on what you’re looking for in a film. If you’re onboard with the tone then there’s no reason this film wouldn’t please you. Much like the 1960s Adam West series, if you’re happy with the tone then it is solid Batman content. But if you’re looking for a serious film, something on the same level as The Dark Knight with more grit, then you won’t be able to take the film seriously. Personally, I still think this film is worth some merit. The burning question for any constituent part of a film, be it a performance or a set piece or a writing choice, is did it help create a positive and enjoyable experience? The answer is yes. The film will always be confusing, and there are moments which make you wish a raven will crash through the window and peck your eyes out, but it is still harmless fun. Sometimes that’s all we need in life. Not every film is an untouchable masterpiece, not every film is self-important Oscar bait material, not every film is supposed to be revolutionary or life changing, films can exist for the sole purpose of being entertaining. Sometimes we need to put our defenses down and not take life so seriously. Films like Batman & Robin help with that, one ice joke at a time.
Some may be thankful this is an isolated incident. I however believe with some things like chocolate, tequila shots or bad films, one is never enough. I love the thought of this going further. For Mr Freeze to appear in sequel after sequel after sequel, so eventually we’re ten movies down the line and he’s still saying exhausting ice puns. Somewhere in the multiverse the Joel Schmacher films were a hit and expanded into an MCU-esque franchise, with Mister Freeze as their Loki, appearing multiple times across 20 films. And with every appearance he painstakingly spews more ice jokes, like a cat hacking up a fur ball onto the carpet. But alas, for those of us here on Earth-1, we must appreciate the content we have been gifted, and remember the good times.
Thank you very much for reading. And remember, as long as ice puns exist, everyone’s a winter.
