Local Man Remembers Happier Time When The Words “President Trump" Would Have Given Him A Chuckle

Hearkening back to the halcyon days of a week ago, local computer programmer Rich Washburn longed for a simpler time when the phrase “President Trump" would have elicited a light chuckle from him, instead of plunging him into an immediate pit of despair that seemed to have no bottom. “Those were the good old days,” said Washburn, referring to the period that ended just seven days prior, when the actual implications of a Trump presidency went from being a funny game of terrifying but reassuringly absurd absolute hypotheticals to a grim reality that all Americans now face. “It’s crazy to think that there was a time in my recent life when I was able to go for more than twenty minutes without having to restrain myself from openly weeping at the thought of what the next four years entail for women, minorities, gay people, children, the poor, the middle class, unions, the economy as a whole, international relations, international trade, nuclear nonproliferation, the spread of terrorism, the spread of racist white nationalism, the environment, the National Park System, the free press…” Washburn began, welling with tears until his shaking became so overpowering that he was unable to finish his sentence. Like many Americans, at press time Washburn was lying on the floor of a running shower in the fetal position, trying to distract himself from the many possible horrifying futures the planet now faces by repeating the words “fly the W" and “mannequin challenge" over and over.