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Jonas Ellison

Dude. Thank you.

Right now, I’m laying in my bed and it’s been a very difficult few days…

Self-doubt has consumed me.

This evening, in an effort to inspire myself, I opened up and read the book I have been writing for the last year and realized…

I have just spent the last year writing a journal.

For the first time in over a year, I have lost the drive and the ambition to create anything.

I’ve been meandering around in my mind, lost in debilitating emotions…fear, sadness, loneliness, lack of purpose, lack of meaning (all the heavy hitters)

At the beginning of this week, in an effort to stabilize myself, I made a decision to stop writing…

This entire year I have woken up 2 hours before my job (I work at a mental health treatment center) to write.

I start with morning pages, and then go into the creative work that I do for myself…(podcast editing, video production, and website development) all funneling into an idea to create a new type of social media.

I decided earlier this week that I wouldn’t do anything creative unless I felt like doing it…

And it still hasn’t helped, until just a few minutes ago…

This is what I wrote on my notepad seconds before I opened up Medium to see your piece at the top of my homepage:

“I need to start getting honest again…to people.

I’ve been hiding behind my keyboard, talking to myself, for too long…

I need to stop trying to figure it out and just live. I need to get out my fear, share my truth, and disregard any idea of “who I want to be”.

I need to get back to just being me.

I need to let people know. I need to vocalize. I need a place where I can share out loud and be heard…

I need to go to a meeting, raise my hand, and say…

“I’ve been wanting to get fucked up and it sucks because I can’t”

I need to see a fucking therapist.”

Yeah, it’s super real where I’m at right now.

I just wanted to share my own self-induced synchronicity.

It may not mean much, but to me, it means hope.

Thanks for writing this piece, I needed it.

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