From Holiday Doldrums to Yuletide Cheer
Adam Grushan’s Guide to Making It Through the Holidays Without a Significant Other
As a college dude, many activities roll around when the holidays are in season: winter break, skiing and snowboarding, nights spent bar hopping, quality time with the fam, Christmas and presents, and if you’re a cashew like me (Catholic and Jewish), Hanukah and more presents. The list goes on and on. So much shit goes down during the holidays, and I cherish it all. But, as a romantic, tenderhearted single guy not too long ago, one unbearable emotion, one melancholy feeling, always seemed to creep up on me that I just couldn’t shake off.
It was called loneliness, holiday loneliness to be exact. It’s that feeling of despair and isolation that sneaks up on you when you’re watching romantic comedies, watching people kiss, listening to sensitive songs in the car, or ice skating in the snow…
And you realize you don’t have a significant other.
You too, huh? It can be rough, I know. The emptiness you feel inside, the long nights without sleep, the solitary gamer sessions — the gloom consumes all possible concentration. There’s no one you can hug, kiss, or serenade with love songs. No one you can cuddle with on a bright frosty morning. No one you can tag in cute, couplie, Instagram posts. And, let’s face it, no one you can make out with under the mistletoe.
Life during the holidays sure can be tough without someone to call your own.
And that’s where I step in. No, not the way you’re thinking. I definitely will not be stepping in that way — I’m taken this holiday season and don’t have to deal with your sorry ass. But I’m here to console you, tell you everything’s going to be alright, and help you through the dull days. With years of previous experience, I’ve designed a method to guarantee survival through the holidays despite this affliction.
Step one, if possible, is to find a significant other. Why not just relieve the problem all together? Call someone you’re crushing on and ask them out to something they would find cute like a movie, ice skating and hot chocolate, or shopping for lingerie. Worst case scenario, you’re rejected. And they go and tell their friends. Then they tell their friends. Soon everyone in your community will know. Your bros (or sisters) will abandon you. Your parents will disown you. You’ll be ridiculed, most likely for the rest of your life.
Just kidding! Plenty of people have been rejected before you. It’s possible you’ll regret your decision if you don’t ask them out, so go for it. To throw it back to the early 2010s, YOLO right?
Step two, if step one does not go according to plan, is to really spend some time your pals — the family you get to choose. And I don’t mean “hanging out” where you’re all bored together; I mean going out and actually doing some shit. Go be a kid again. Activities could include, but are not limited to, sledding, frolicking in the snow, or five hour games of Catan. It will take that blank stare right off your face.
It also helps with step one, finding someone. You’ll be out meeting people, learning their names, their phone numbers, where they live, what they do at night, what they’re doing exactly at 2 AM at night. It’s fantastic, so much information it’s almost creepy.
So give my process a try. It may not alleviate the misery completely, but instead of wasting your time being jealous of all the couples around you who are all so cute together, you will actually be taking the time to have fun on your own terms.
That’s my advice, to be the gregarious, social person I know you are. People give meaning to our lives, so meet some new ones. Hell, if the Grinch who stole Christmas can find love, I know you can too!
Hopefully this gets you to Valentine’s Day… if not, then you may need some real help.