Welcome to your 40s! 9 Reasons Your Life is Now Over (and what to do about it)
I’m usually an optimist, as I should be, since my life has been going relatively well. I’ve managed to be lucky enough to avoid the challenges and heartache that plague many, if not most, people in the world…famine, war, disease, and my own death. But, what struck me as a behavioral scientist entering my 40s, was the sudden change in the number of unfortunate events that not only happen to me, but many people. This sudden change appears to be a statistical phenomenon related to my age, the age of those around me, and the build up of responsibilities reaching a critical threshold across all of my peers. I always used to say that I wish someone had warned me about this in advance. So for all of you 30 somethings and younger, here is your warning.
1. Your health is becoming fragile.
It’s small at first. You had a cut that doesn’t heal as fast as it used to or leaves a scar. Maybe you get a headache when you’ve never had headaches. There is a lingering pain in your back after doing something you’ve always done. You can no longer get those deep 10 hour sleeps, and you wake up sore for no reason. Perhaps you’ve developed a new chronic condition. And, you now need to exercise to reduce pain and keep injuries at bay (not just to look better). Even if your health is great, your recovery from small bumps along the road takes just a bit longer than it used to.
2. You’re facing death a lot more often.
If you’re reading this article you’re not dead yet (congrats!), but others around you may not be so lucky. Your parents, mentors, and other people in your life that were there for you when you were younger seem much older than you now. Actors and celebrities that seemed immortal when you were younger are now aged and dying. Even your younger peers may experience some bad luck…cancer, accidents or even suicide. Death is more present in your life.
3. You’ve learned what marriage really is.
Marriage is not the fantasy of movies. You won’t get all your needs met. You have to learn to accept the limitations of your spouse and grow as they grow. This is difficult for most people. Many couples don’t make it if they haven’t realized this by their 40s. And, even if your marriage does make it, there is still a grieving process for the relationship you once thought was possible. Your relationship can still be great, but it’s a bit of work.
4. Divorce ruins everything.
If you’re divorced, especially with kids, I don’t have to tell you what an annoying, time consuming, expensive mess it is. It’s traumatic and you need to grieve for the years you lost and the albatross that you now have to deal with well into the future. If you want to date again, and you should, you’re left with this population of rejects, traumatized singles, divorcees, and widowers who have not been filtered by the usual safeguards you had the first time around, like education (if you met your ex at school) and family connections. Although, it’s not like those worked anyway.
What if you’re not divorced? Sorry to tell you this, but there’s no escape for you either. If you have kids that want to spend time with your divorced friends’ children, you will need to be work around a complicated custody schedule. Let’s see, it’s Kaylee’s birthday, but also Thanksgiving, and who has her on the odd years during a leap year again?
No kids involved in your friend’s divorce? Prepare to listen to dating stories from hell told by someone who sounds like they’re dating in high school. Seriously? Did years of marriage make you forget what boundaries are when meeting potential partners? Why is everyone telling their life stories on date two and creating checklists like this is a Build-A-Bear workshop? Now that I think about it, dating in high school was more mature.
5. When did my parents get so old?
Many people have this mental snapshot of their parents when they were at their prime. It helps us feel calm, safe and protected. But, time moves ahead anyway. Your parents may reduce their time playing sports, spend more time around the house, may be unable to babysit for as long or at all, complain of more pain, and they walk a little slower. Soon, you become the caretaker, and probably right around the time when your children need a lot of care and your job requires even more focus.
6. When did my job start sucking?
If you’ve been at your job for a number of years you may have fond memories of the beginning. You thrived in all the new ideas and innovations you were able to share with your team. You believed in the company mission and worked longer hours than you needed to because you enjoyed it.
Fast forward a few years. How did everything become so bureaucratic and rote? Where’s the innovation and time to explore new ideas? Unless something has been documented in your 90 day plan, good luck getting the approval or time to work on it. And not only that, but these young employees with no kids and seemingly no personal responsibilities are happy to work as much as possible to get things done. They seem to have nothing better to do anyway. Surely you could outperform them if you only had the time, and perhaps a little more passion to counteract your growing cynicism.
7. Where did all the money go?
I remember when most of my money used to go toward things I wanted but not necessarily needed. Boy, how that has changed. By the time you’ve met your basic needs (if you’re lucky), there may be nothing left. But that’s ok, because at that point one of your basic needs will be therapy so at least you’ll be working on yourself.
8. What’s with all these temp friends?
Remember back in the day when you had your close group of friends for years (many you still may have). They knew your stories and saw you grow up. You had infinite time for each other. That was nice. You didn’t have to work so hard to connect and have fun. They shared in the events that made you, you.
This new batch is something different. You think you’re close with Tracy, but suddenly she ghosts you because your son is no longer in the same class as her little Joey. Years ago, a great conversation at a birthday party with someone would have led to more, but now you find out you weren’t invited to their wine tasting. Every relationship exists in a sea of smalltalk. No one talks about anything meaningful anymore. Who has the time? It’s just not worth telling old stories and traumas to someone new. They weren’t there so they wouldn’t understand anyway. Plus, no one wants to reveal their traumas to you either. After all, they have that great Facebook and Instagram image to preserve.
9. Vacations are over.
I’m trying to remember the last time I had a real vacation, but it’s difficult. The idea of going away and relaxing for days, focusing on yourself without stressful distractions, seems almost naive now. If you brought your children along than this vacation is really a “family vacation,” which, let’s be honest, is stretching the definition of vacation to its limits. If you left your children at home, thoughts of their wellbeing creep into your mind. No children? Be prepared to manage disagreements with your partner as you try to make sure this vacation meets everyone’s needs (impossible!). And of course, it is no longer feasible to get away from the constant digital connection of work like everyone could only 25 years ago. Also, vacations that went better than expected when you were young are now more likely to be interrupted by the death of family and friends. Don’t worry though, there are dozens of young adults having fun around you to remind you of what you’re missing. Soon you’ll be older with fewer responsibilities and can vacation carefree, except for those health concerns that will limit you from actually doing what you want in the first place.
What do we do now?
People manage to make it past 50 and beyond, so the 40s are not fatal, but it is time to get serious and start learning 10 key coping skills.
1. Promote change through acceptance.
If you are saying “Why me?” or “This is not fair!” that is a key symptom of denying reality. As terrible as it may be, you have to start from a position of acceptance before you can work to change your perspective and environment. Everyone experiences physical and emotional pain, but to continue to question the fairness, morality, or reality of it just adds the suffering. This is happening. Breathe. You can only control your own behavior, and nothing else. The situation will resolve itself one way or another. Either way, you will move through it if you keep marching forward. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
2. Respond to what’s happening in the moment.
It’s in fashion to advise others to “live in the moment” as a cure-all for all of life stressors. But, that piece of advice does not quite capture the complexity of the mindfulness perspective from which it comes. A better, while still simplistic, construction would be “respond to what’s happening in the moment.” We often respond to thoughts and feelings as if they’re facts and we time travel in our mind to the past and to the future. Instead, look in front of you and respond to what you see, not the implications or consequences you dream up or the regrets you may have for long gone times. Remember the wisdom of Mark Twain who (may have) once remarked “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
3. Avoid grand labels and judgements.
Terrible. Awful. Unbelievable. Tragedy. Heartbreaking. Traumatic. Unfair. Devastating. Torturous.
These labels come with strong emotions which most of us can feel when we read those words. But, what details do they convey? Nothing. Despite the fact that there is no context around these words, we still feel the emotions. Now, imagine there is context. A sick relative. A car accident. Not only will you react to the event itself, but these labels drown the reaction in emotion. Instead, stick to describing the facts and details of what is actually happening in a stressful time so you can respond in an emotionally balanced way.
4. Participate in the world.
Now, more than ever, you need to be connected and enjoying all life has to offer. The more you have to lift you up, the better you’ll be in a position to weather the storm of challenges coming your way. Focus your attention outward. When dancing, just dance. When swimming, just swim. Find the activities that make you smile and do them fully and without reservation.
5. Be kind.
In a stressful, busy world it is easy to feel overwhelmed and decide that you’ve just “had it.” Your solution? To put yourself first. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with attending to your needs, its easy to also conclude that other people can go take a hike. Yes, we all feel maxed out and unappreciated, but lashing out at others and asserting ourselves without reason is detrimental to ourselves and our relationships. Most of the time, the stress associated with trying to argue about who’s “turn” it is, who is more deserving, and similar appeals of self-righteousness may not be worth it. Yes, you may feel like a doormat sometimes, but to paraphrase F. Scott Fitzgerald, it is better to be kind than right. Be caring and generous with others. The more kindness there is in the world, the more joy will emerge to go around.
6. Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate.
Drink water. About 5 to 7 bottles of water per day. Or don’t, and deal with fatigue, dry skin, headaches, difficulty concentrating and even loss of kidney function. Avoid sugary drinks.
7. Exercise. Move. Stay in motion.
Exercise for about 30 minutes per day. Run, swim, bike, hike, play sports, dance, jump rope. If you want to work it into your daily chores, take the stairs more often, do yard work or gardening yourself, wash your car, do your own grocery shopping, mop and clean your house, and walk or bike to errands. Aim for moderate intensity (you can talk but not sing) or vigorous intensity (you can only say a few words without pausing for a breath). Talk to your doctor before making any significant changes to your activity level.
8. Eat like your life depends on it.
Check with your doctor first, but when eating, focus on fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grains, and a moderate amount of healthy fats. Lean protein includes white-meat poultry, lean beef, pork, fish, eggs, and low-fat dairy products. Plant-based sources of lean protein include legumes, nuts, seeds, and certain grains like quinoa. Healthy fats can include are found in foods like avocados, olives, nuts, seeds, and fatty fish such as salmon. Limit processed, high sodium foods and meats, and foods high in saturated or trans fats like cookies, doughnuts, and pastries, deli meats, bacon, sausage, food, cream or butter made with whole or reduced fat milk, snacks like chips, and boxed, frozen, bagged or canned meals.
A healthy day’s meals could include the following:
- Breakfast: A bowl of oatmeal topped with fresh berries and a sprinkle of chia seeds, paired with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. This meal is rich in fiber, vitamin C, and antioxidants.
- Lunch: Grilled salmon served with a side of steamed broccoli and quinoa. This meal is high in protein, omega-3 fatty acids, and essential vitamins and minerals.
- Dinner: A portion of grilled chicken, sweet potatoes, and a salad of mixed greens tossed with olive oil and lemon juice. This meal provides lean protein, complex carbohydrates, and healthy fats.
- Snack: A handful of nuts or seeds for additional protein and healthy fats, or a piece of fruit for a dose of vitamins and fiber.
Ok, it’s up to you now to take control of your life. Start now before it’s too late!
