You’re Parenting All Wrong (but it’s not your fault) — Part 1
TL;DR Version: Using rewards and punishment to alter the behavior of children is at worst, harmful, and at best, misguided. When parents focus on changing behavior without understanding why the behavior is occurring in the first place, they fail to address the driving goals to which the behavior is addressed. Only by recognizing and attending to the underlying needs motivating the behavior and providing children with opportunities to attain their overarching goals (e.g., power, safety, love, fun), will you be able to improve a child’s ability to behave maturely and take responsibility for their actions.
What are the principles underlying how you parent? How about a more straightforward question: how do you discipline your children? I always get a variety of answers to this question, such as:
“Time-outs work well for me.”
“I don’t spank my kids, but I’ll take away their toys.”
“l admit I yell sometimes, but just enough to scare them and let them know they were misbehaving.”
“They will be punished. I tend to be a strict disciplinarian.”
“I try to reward good behavior and ignore the bad as much as I can to not give them attention.”
All of these answers, whether the parent knows it or not, are grounded in a theory of behavior known as operant conditioning or instrumental learning. Introduced most formally by behaviorist B.F. Skinner (1938), this theory holds that the best way to understand how animals learn new behavior is to look at the consequences of that behavior. Studies supporting this theory were conducted using a box where animals were successfully taught through reinforcement and punishment to behave in a particular manner (e.g., press a lever) to dispense food or avoid painful shocks. Animals were often kept hungry so food would be experienced as a significant reward. Skinner discussed five types of consequences (or operants) to behavior:
Neutral operants — Results of the behavior that have no impact on future behavior
Positive reinforcers — Enjoyable or rewarding consequences that increase the likelihood of a behavior
Negative reinforcers — Removal of an aversive stimulus that increases the occurrence of a behavior
Positive punishment — Introducing aversive or unpleasant consequences to a behavior that reduce the likelihood of the behavior
Negative punishment — Removing an enjoyable or rewarding experience that minimizes the reoccurrence of behavior
Skinner also showed that different frequencies or schedules with which a behavior is reinforced can increase the frequency at which the behavior reoccurs (Ferster & Skinner, 1957). In particular, his research found that a variable interval reinforcement schedule, where rewards are provided at unpredictable time periods, provides the highest behavioral response rate with the lowest rate of extinction, that is, cessation of behavior in the absence of a reward. The reward or punishment typically needed to occur close in time to the behavior of interest.
It is easy to classify different approaches to parental discipline within this model. Time outs can be seen as a negative punishment, such that children are taken away from an enjoyable activity to reduce their likelihood of acting out. Gold stars or toys are positive reinforcers parents use to reward and increase good behavior. Conversely, spanking is the classic positive punishment to reduce bad behavior in children. Finally, being picked up early from a task or class that a child dislikes could be used as negative reinforcement for a good behavior a child displayed earlier.
The theory is simple, digestible, and provides a quick and practical way to modify the behavior of children. And, if you want to stay within your comfort zone, stop reading now. But, if you are brave and want to soldier on, the red pill is waiting for you because operant conditioning is just an illusion.
Are you ready? Click here for Part 2.
