The wake of a woman I used to know

If you see my time line on twitter, all you can see are events and parties, traveling all the time. I used to share the sad things too, but I came to the conclusion that that was not very professional.

It seems, for what I’ve seen, that is socially ok to share the bad things, but only when you apply certain filters before. Like when you reflect on challenges and lessons learned, with the wisdom and perspective that that journey gives you. Another option is being sarcastic. Everything is easier to swallow with humor. But unadulterated sadness don’t go well with social networks, nor with talking openly about it in public.

Today I lived a very sad situation that I don’t know how to process, and I think that is in part because I don’t know how to connect with my sadness, unless it is too strong and I can’t not escape it.

I met Tamar 15 years ago. We never were great friends, but she was a great person and I really liked her. She has died, leaving two little girls behind and a disconsolate husband.

We haven’t talked since the last Star Trek convention. She was somebody from a different life.

All our common friends has known for a month that she was sick because she was posting about it in Facebook. I received the news by whatsapp this morning and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it the whole day. When I didn’t have more work excuses to not face it, I’ve finally gone to the wake.

I didn’t knew what to say to the people there, specially to the husband. I didn’t felt anything, just a numb sadness. He was in shock.

On the subway back home I started thinking, and I realized that I am sad, but I am not able to feel it. My brain refuses to acknowledge the fact that she is dead. I can not wrap my mind around it.

That is why I’ve decided to write this post. Because not all are events, and work, and pushing the feelings that are uncomfortable under a pile of stuff so they don’t bother you. It is a work in progress.