HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
It’s not my birthday.
I’m thankful for my friends, that see me, hold me in their heart and are thankful that my heart is okay and I’m present.
For my friend that wants me to take midnight walks and look at the clear skies, my friend that sends me pictures in the morning to help me find joy; if not in myself, in them.
I’m thankful for knowing new friends, and the old ones that have seen me so far.
I’m thankful for my friend that believes in my writing. That has believed in my writing for years and still believe that it will serve me at every time of my life.
I’m thankful to be a friend to my friends in just being a friend; to soothe their aches, to listen, and sort through life with. In laughter, beauty and in pain and uncertainty.
Yesterday, I wanted to wish myself a happy birthday. It wasn’t my birthday. I just felt a way to uplift myself; some form of acknowledgement of myself.
I put up a picture I found on twitter showing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME” with one of those cute stick guys and it even had a party cap on. It was cute, and happy.
In a phase where I normally would be broken down and barely be able to function(and though I have, I had a few days of that), I’m functioning quite well, maybe a little well.
I read a twitter post that was saying maybe growing is just being able to handle our problems better, not the problem itself disappearing. This was saying the emotion largely remains but we improve regulation.
I want to believe this is a state I’m in, and I’m not just shrugging off the problem. I’m not. There isn’t just much I can do about it, and that in which I can do something towards, I am giving everything I can.
Back to my fake birthday yesterday ( I mean, who’s to say it’s fake? It is my birthday so I get to decide whenever it is. Okay, who am I kidding?), maybe it’s delusional but it didn’t cost anything and it got me through.
I got a few wishes from some friends on Snapchat who didn’t know my actual birthday and I’d say thank you and go on to tell them it wasn’t actually my birthday, lol. Maybe they found it weird.
Some of my actually friends, my elder sister and cousin who knew it wasn’t my birthday, rolled their eyes and laughed it off, I told them to send funds and gifts.
Yesterday has passed now and it was my birthday and nothing was lost.
The feeling was exactly like that of the stick person in the picture, it was nice.
I need to open my eyes and look — and be aware of life as it is happening, and not simply how I want it to be.
I’m trying to be more intentional with life now, more than I always have.
This might be because of the new phase I know my life is taking on and I might have to relinquish all control soon, so I’m making the most of all of it that I have now. Doing my daily bits.
