I’ve been trying to exalt myself.
Your life here is fleeting
In the absence of things I want, things I feel would make me complete, that would make each day feel like I have lived today and my gratefulness whole, I’ve been trying to exalt myself.
It really is an elevating feeling. I’ve walked taller, keeping my head up, shining brighter, smiling and living freer - even as a tenant of the earth.
I’ve been doing this and despite it, lack tugs on my heart. It’s such an ugly feeling. How it overpowers and renders things insufficient. How it says: “look inside yourself, aren’t you missing this despite? how come you do not have this still?” I do not know if I’m tired now or if those things I want weigh me down so badly…. I still.
Every night, after my gratefulness, I lay in my bed with a warm cover of sadness.
Nevertheless, I do not want to stop, I do not intend to stop. As long as my mind will allow me, and my head carries me. I’m trying to wear my crown, even when it melts, and clatters.
More and more, I’m learning it is my tune to play and my dance to make for myself.
I’ve been trying to protect myself, from the world, from half assed living, from loves that doesn’t touch the hem of my core.
In my exhaustion, I wish this body was something I could take apart and climb out of, and that there was an exit door to life. A door I can sit outside of, across from and look at everything that I am, I’ve been, looking to be.
I wonder why I should suffer and my soul answers because it’s a part of life. You do not seek to suffer, but it happens nonetheless; the art is keeping your balance amid it, and when you fall off balance, you put back one piece after the other.
“I fumble toward grace like a vine searching for a wall.”
Loving someone is simply worshiping them. Whatever that form of love is.
You worship a piece of them, be it in adoration for something they are, or something they’re not. The same goes for yourself, each day you attempt to exalt yourself.
To worship a person is to exalt them.
I have been doing this more through friendships.
Friends are like wonderfully curated super-humans; despite their flaws and they preciously stumble into your life.
Friendship for me, is being present, despite existing in an all consuming world, despite my own uncertainties; reaching out and constantly holding out a hand. Friendship for me is I see you, in the ways the world doesn’t, in the ways the world doesn’t know. To be a part of my existence, what makes up for it. To care for it.
I’ve learnt to be a better friend, and I’m still not the perfect person.
I keep from situations that do not serve me, that threatens my joy and attempts to dishevel this entirety of me I keep putting together.
I keep establishing myself.
It’s slippery to make a foundation.
In researching what it means to exalt yourself, it showed that’s it is a vain thing to do and in a way contesting God. I didn’t agree with that though. It is through divine power and grace I’m able to do this, and as an extension of what God is.
At the end of the day, you define your life.
We are all looking around, finding the god in other people, when it’s right there in you.
You contain multitudes that should be exalted.
Wherever you unfold, you are true.
For every piece of you that you exalt, you carry your soul and you nurture your being back to ascension.
This is a piece I started out since February, 2023 in trying to find myself while being lost; living newly and truly with myself, betting more and more on my person, my role, and my place in this world, but I just couldn’t finish it. Maybe because this is a continuous process, you don’t do it for a period and stay in it forever. Like most things in life, it isn’t linear but it takes you closer. It helps you almost at reach. And I came back to it through the months to add to the draft what I’m learning, finding going on this path. I don’t think I fully captured the entire art of this act mostly because I’m still seeking myself through life – still exalting myself.
