Forgiveness: It’s Not for Them, It’s for You
I’ve had quite a few unsavory things happen recently. I have a paranoia with people that expects these kinds of things, but I never really thought they would happen. But I guess we never expect stuff like this from the ones we love. I’m not going to talk about these things though. There is no use in dwelling on the details of what hurt or angered you. The importance of the moment was the lesson that I gained from it, and I believe that it can benefit more than just me. The lesson was to know the significance of truly forgiving an individual, and understanding the relationship between forgiveness and internal peace.
Seeing Beyond the Initial Hurt
It is no secret that every single one of us has felt so hurt or betrayed by another person in our lives (especially someone close to us), that we felt nothing but a festering hatred for their entire existence. In those initial moments, we become quite irrational. We plot ways in which we can get back at them, and stay hell bent on holding a grudge against them — even if kills us! It is not natural for human beings to hold onto such negative emotions because our bodies don’t like the way the internalization of so much negativity feels. We consciously resist the natural process of our bodies releasing the tension and anger that we feel because we don’t think it’s fair that they could do what they did and be let off so easily. The problem is this serves no positive purpose.
It isn’t negative to feel what you feel, but you must also have such a high regard for yourself that you won’t allow for those emotions to last any longer than they need to. Holding onto those emotions in such a way that you can never forgive an individual’s actions will only tear you apart in the end. The only way to truly alter your approach to the issue though is to alter your own perception or interpretation of your emotions. If you view your body/mind’s need to let go of the initial overabundance of unhealthy emotions as letting the individual get away with what they did, you will never find peace or the capacity to forgive. However, if you begin to attempt at perceiving your urge to let go so easily as a means of self preservation, you will experience peace. The urge to attain vengeance is very primal, and though I understand and have also experienced these desires — I know that a conscious individual has the ability see beyond the instinct inherited from our animalistic, violent ancestors. If for nothing else, do it because you owe it to yourself to move on with your life without such a dreadful feeling hanging over you.
Now for the Fun Part
Getting past the initial rush of irrational and unhelpful emotions is only 25% of the battle. This is the other 75%. It’s called actual forgiveness. Letting go of a single moment is one thing, but being able to accept and peacefully let go of the action as a whole is another thing entirely. We all know that those same emotions will return as soon as you remember what was done. And that doesn’t even include gaining the ability to candidly speak with whomever hurt you, and to allow yourself to come to an understanding. How do you even begin to do that?! This is the moment where many say “F*ck it”, and go right back to hating the wrongdoer. I believe that many of us say that we’ve forgiven something, but continue to think about that thing — which would actually mean that it isn’t forgiven. I never understood the “forgive, but never forget” phrase because it is an oxymoron. Emphasizing on how you’re going to waste energy on neglecting to forget a situation that hurt you serves you in what way? NEWS FLASH: IT DOESN’T. SO STOP BEING PETTY AND GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER. AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO, KEEP READING.
Sometimes, I find that the only way to justify forgiveness is to appeal to my own ego. It isn’t the most constructive, but it is a start for some. By appeal, I mean I have to consciously remind myself that it is for my own good, not theirs. In doing so, I am able to calm the storm of emotions that would otherwise take me, and focus on a productive, peaceful solution with the person involved. There are other times, however, where I can see every clearly that whatever happened was a genuine mistake which makes it much easier to both accept and release whatever happened. And that is all forgiveness really is. It is having the ability to experience a wrongdoing, accept it as such, let go of your attachment to the fact that a person in your life did something to you, then move forward with or without that person in your life (based on the context of whatever the mistake was).
It is very cliché, but kindness truly is the greatest weapon. They know what they did, and chances are they’re mentally killing themselves over the mistake. The last thing that either of you need is a grudge or some other middle school teen drama to add fuel to the fire. If this person truly is near and dear to you and vice versa, you won’t let one mistake define or even control the outcome of your relationship to one another. Once you can sit in a room and laugh with him/her who hurt you, you know that they have been forgiven. It was Aristotle who said that the ultimate aim of man was his good, and that in his good he becomes exalted. Forgiveness plays a huge role in that good, and should be shared as such.
And remember: If for nothing else; forgive for the sake of peace.
One More Thing (For the Cynics)
This article wasn’t written to defend those who have wronged you, and it wasn’t written with a concrete and definite method for how to tackle the big issues in your life. If the bastard killed your brother or set your car on fire with your puppy in it, I understand that it obviously is not as simple as forgiving the guy/girl and moving on for you. I’m not talking in extremes. I’m talking to the person who was recently cheated on, lied to, betrayed, or had their pizza stolen from the fridge by their stoner brother. In 95% of the events that we experience, forgiveness is easier to reach than we would care to admit. So, for THOSE things, try applying my approach to the subject. For those who take it seriously enough to practice it, I can guarantee positive results. Insist upon peace within yourself. Insist upon allowing love to overtake your disgust and hatred. It won’t always mean that your life with the person who hurt you will be the same, but at the very least it means that you both are finally able to move forward; however that may look for you. If you care for this person, that should be enough.
