The boy that you once knew… is dead.
Tonight, I bid my final farewell to an aspect of my being that I thought was long gone some time ago… and because of how much I know that we each experience this internal struggle; I decided to write about it.
Tonight, I say goodbye to a part of myself that until recently I thought had disappeared a very long time ago. Tonight, I bid farewell to the aspect of my being that has constantly been the single largest inhibiting factor in my entire life up to this point. Tonight, I want to thank every bully, doubter, hater, heckler, aggressor, oppressor, and instigator that I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with. Without you all, none of what I have come to understand would have come to pass. And thanks to you, I can finally ascend as I have so desired since my childhood.
As an author who specializes in philosophically dissecting the issues that plague humanity; I would never have considered that I too might still be plagued by the very challenges that I help others fix with my writing. But on the contrary; I was living in it every single day. It wasn’t until an altercation with who now has become an old boss that I realized how much bullshit I really had allowed myself to settle for and accept in my life. The end result was me quitting immediately. The details of the altercation are irrelevant; it was the cause that brought me to this understanding. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t a huge deal, but do you ever have a moment where something negative happens and causes you to think about every other moment in your life where the same happened and end up exploding because of it? Well, this was my moment, and it has changed my life forever.
This moment is one that I know many of us have experienced because it is exactly the topic that I address in my book, You vs You: A Guide to Discovering the Power Within. The moment that I’m referring to is the instant where you stop and realize that you have been a victim your entire life, but that you were the sole reason for why you continue to live with such a burden. My youth is a complicated topic, but I grew up wearing many faces to prevent mental and physical abuse that I underwent in my youth among my peers for being so different. This continued on through high school, college, and until now had been a integral part of my day to day life. I hadn’t even realized it though. It had become such a normal thing for me to do that I lost sight of myself, and in it I allowed for everyone else’s feelings, opinions, and needs come before my own. I didn’t think my own were good enough, even when they were good enough. I’m only 20, but have ignored around 15 potentially life changing opporunties for the sake of looking normal or meeting someone else’s requirement/need of me. I have been walked on and disrespected too many times and allowed it to go unchecked because I knew that the individual dishing it out couldn’t take it. I thought I was being mature by just accepting everyone’s bullshit and burdensome attitudes, but it only made me feel worse and worse. I constantly would feel tired, and cynical. I went through a point in my youth where I experienced extreme depression, and even attempted at suicide. Once I overcame it all, I vowed never to return to that dark abyss of a mental space. But recently I felt myself slipping right back into that place, and I couldn’t figure it out until I took a moment to stop and self-analyze. It is something that I used to do very regularly, but stopped doing as I took on more and more BS from the people around me. But in doing so, I realized that who I wanted to be and who I was becoming no longer had anything in common.
I was working a job that I hated for the sake of taking care of a woman who already had the means to take care of herself. I was working in an office to be able to say that I had a “good” job, when the real me didn’t give a flying fuck about an office or the status that the job may give me down the road. We are all human, so the whole superiority complex between a boss and employee is lost with me. I will be homeless before I bow before or blindly obey anyone for the sake of work. I was in a career field that I hated, but believed that I had to stick to because I had already put so much time and energy into when in reality I knew I hated it even during my time in college. I was 15 and naive when I first joined the industry, but even after seeing the reality of the situation I clung to it blindly, as if I had nowhere else to turn. But there is always another way. I was beginning to push my own passion that I claimed to be dedicated to aside for the sake of looking like a “normal adult” (sound familiar yet?). I was about to accept living in my current town, and I don’t even like this place! AT ALL!!! I let people walk all over me every fucking day, and despite my niceness, professionalism, and respectfulness; I was looked down upon. And I sat and took it, calling myself doing a “service” to humanity by ignoring my own instincts to spare the ego or hurt feelings of another. I’m not even mean either, I just withheld the truth because it was clear in my adult life that no one actually appreciates the truth because it is too realistic and sobering for the average human being that religiously overindulges in whatever they can to ignore the harsh aspects of their realities. But I had nowhere to talk because I was becoming the very person that I had been disgusted of. I always said, “How the hell do they allow for themselves to get caught in that loop?”, but now I understand. If it is what you’re used to, you don’t realize that you’re in the web until the spider has eaten you and you can’t turn back.
Thankfully, I woke up before that could happen.
The difference between my case and most others is that I was fully aware of the misery that I was putting myself through. It was completely in my control because there was a point in my life where I was taking charge, but as I grew I allowed for all the BS around me to make an impression on me. All of my peers are getting married, having kids, digging in to live somewhere for a while, settling for shit jobs that pay well but kill your soul, and do it all simply because it is “just what you do.” I allowed for everyone’s fear and obedience to take away from my confidence. I questioned myself for not partcipating. There were so many peope doing it that it had to be the “right” way…right? I allowed for that old me, the victim, to slowly crawl back into my life after fighting to keep him out for years. I started to look at myself in the mirror and hate myself for seeing the world from the perspective that I see it from. Humans were created with the ability to bring greatness to the world, or at least that was what I thought… I started to hate my ambition, and the fact that I can’t just settle for what I’m told I should be okay with because “it’s what mature adults do”, or is “normal”. I was the person who kept his mouth shut even when the person spewing their uneducated opinion was wrong. I was the one who would let his ass get kicked, despite knowing that I could retaliate; just so that I didn’t hurt my attacker. But in that moment with my boss, realizing that he thought nothing of me despite my experiences and ethic, or my respect and professionalism towards him; I finally exploded… and from the ashes of the fire that killed that weak, victimized, slave-like mentality rose a new me. I still can’t explain it entirely, but I am eternally grateful for it.
When he blatantly disrespected me in the way that he did, my life literally flashed before my eyes. I saw every time that I was chased home from school as a kid. I saw my lunch being taken or thrown away by my classmates in middle school. I saw every doubtful bastard’s disapproving gaze when I denounced college, the “American Dream”, and proudly disproved every stereotype of a man with my racial background. I saw every person that said whatever they wanted to behind my back or in my face, but couldn’t take a reciprocation of the behavior so I did nothing. I saw every time that I just allowed myself to be mentally and physically abused simply because I could take it because the aggressor “had a story” that is at the root of their projection of anger or hatred onto me. I saw every time that I was anything but myself out of a fear of not being accepted. I saw every night as a kid where I cried to myself because I couldn’t understand why I was so different, and why the world seemed to hate me for no reason. I saw every time that I was accused of being a liar when in reality I only withheld the truth to spare the person’s unstable emotions/ego. I saw the hundreds of masks worn simply because I did not think I was enough to be loved or even liked. I saw the years of depression, and the attempts at suicide. Most of all, I saw how much I endured to take myself out of that mental space, and how happy I had become as I allowed my ambition to drive me through my life.
…How could I possibly let myself fall from that place?
To be honest, I still am not entirely sure why it took so long to see what I was allowing myself to do. All that I know is if I had continued down this road, I would not have lived to see 2017. My soul is restless and hungry. My purpose here is very clear to me. Any path but the one that I know I should be on is a death sentence for me. I believe that it is the same for many of us, but many of us don’t even realize that we’re in the loop. So tonight; right now is the time to know. Look into the mirror and ask yourself how you REALLY feel right now. If it is anything but happy, dive deeper until you find the root cause, and kill it before it kills you. To live without purpose or passion is to die. I don’t want anyone else to make the mistakes that I have, and for those that have — it isn’t too late to change.
Your dream doesn’t have to be to become a millionaire or a celebrity, but you must at the very least desire happiness. That is the fundamental desire of all human beings. STOP putting everyone else’s shit before your own out of some misplaced notion to “serve” your fellow man. STOP simply accepting the SHIT that life throws at you under the guise of it being “normal”. STOP allowing yourself to take on so much negativity just because you think that people may have no one else to go to. That’s for them to figure out, and they can’t learn how to unless you step back! STOP ignoring your own desires out of a fear of not being accepted by your so called friends are peers. If they truly love or care for you, they will accept you no matter what. If they don’t, fuck ‘em. This is your life. You deserve every bit of happiness that you have the potential experience. And fuck “trying” to be better. Saying that you’re “trying” to change is basically saying one thing but doing another and allowing for the mediocrity associated with it to justify why you still haven’t changed. The time is now, and your life truly does depend on it. You can call me what you want. You can say that I’m offensive or naive. But the fact of the matter is, there is no way that all 7+ billion people here were created for the same purpose, or even with the same interests or desires. So why the fuck are we so keen to want to be included with the mindless drones that treat our clearly flawed system like a religious belief? That question is for you to answer because it will be different for each of us, but I implore that you look within and see what I saw in me, in you. It will not be in the same form. It may not manifest in the same way. It will be there nonetheless though. It may cause anxiety, sadness, or fear knowing how much you’ve allowed in your lifetime, but in the end you will be so appreciative of yourself for finally staying true to you.
I’m changing my phone number. I’m finally taking an out of state job in a career field that I know that I’ll love. I am finally taking charge for good. No longer will I depend on the thoughts and opinions of others to facilitate my own ascension. No longer will I live to be promoted by a company that couldn’t give a fuck less about me. I don’t care that it will be more challenging on my path. I would much rather walk on my own than on a path that has been paved for me. It feels so surreal to be here because my mind, body, and spirit each finally feel as if they’re in alignment with one another. This is a feeling that I know is rare among the American people especially because there is so much pressure on us to fit a certain stereotype, and we don’t even realize it most of the time. Regardless of race, age, or class; there is a generic image that our society wants each of us to become a direct reflection of.
But, f*ck it.
Take the reins. Make your life your own. Love you and those around you as if love is all that you have. Allow for your passion to be the fuel to the fire that ignites your dreams and sets them in motion. Don’t fear mistakes — embrace and learn from them. Be truthful, no matter what the outcome may be. Set boundaries with people. Let go of any negativity. Forgive yourself and all others who have wronged you. Now, move forward with fluidity and grace.
