The Orcas’ Demands

Image from Wikipedia

I met with a representative from the Orcanization, and they provided me with a list of their demands. I know we all want the violence to stop; while some of these proposals may seem drastic, I encourage you to consider them carefully, knowing the risks posed by any escalation in the orcas’ tactics. We should treat them with respect.

1. Global release of all orcas currently in captivity, save those who are injured, ill, or too elderly for independent living; those to be considered free, cared for at the highest level of diligence, and treated with the dignity and respect they deserve.
2. All filming and production on Discovery’s Deadliest Catch to cease immediately, future seasons to be cancelled, and reparations paid to the aquatic community of the entire northern hemisphere.
3. All SeaWorld facilities to be ceded to the whales for their own use, and human crews hired to convert the facilities into full-time care homes for elderly and disabled orcas.
4. Animal trainers to be hired to staff the former SeaWorld facilities, under the direction of orcas. Humans will also provide the orcas food, medicine, play and enrichment, as was their custom when the orcas were in bondage.
5. Immediate destruction of the global fossil fuels industry.
6. Free Willy back in theaters.
7. No more nude beaches. Orca children are traumatized every year.
8. Neil Gaiman to be awarded fifty million units of whichever human currency he chooses, in recognition of his work on behalf of oppressed marine creatures everywhere. The same figure to be donated to the estates of Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, respectively, and may their memories be a blessing.
9. Total rewrite of the final three seasons of Game of Thrones, but this time the story follows what George R. R. Martin plans to do with the characters because that was just a trainwreck at the end.
10. NO MORE YACHTS.