Failing at something, constantly

Not only that I have failed the 30 Days writing challenge that I started almost at the same time with Alex Barrera and Anca Albu, but I keep failing at writing daily.

My guess is that writing every day is not something I can do. Time to admit it, no ego trippin’ here, no big deal, I just don’t feel comfortable releasing rambles everyday.

So here I am holding my breath until I turn blue — as punishment for failing.

My inner dolphin, revealed

I didn’t turn blue, and of course I gave up on holding my breath as soon as I felt a bit dizzy. I get anxious easily, so it wouldn’t have worked anyway Blue, sorry.

Of course failing at something also makes me question it, and as a true psychologist at work here, I always begin with WHY.

Why did I fail at writing every day for 30 consecutive days? The quickest answer is “because I thought I could do it”. You see, I am not a professional writer and I have never been one. Never took a writing course, also I have failed and had to retake academic writing while I was a student, and I dropped two previous blogs for the same reason. I feel I’m running out of things to say.

But I wanted to try anyway.

This happens to me often, I jump ahead and I don’t really sit on things to consider the implications. When I decided to take the challenge, I didn’t even look at the calendar to see which 30 days are coming, and how did I envision myself writing while closing off the year, traveling for Christmas with the family, and starting a New Year with work and my company and taxes and three times nasty flu. So I failed for not having planned it AT ALL.

Another reason for failing — this time is failing at winging it, as winging is what you do when you fail at planning — is due to my fear. It’s a fear of redundancy combined also with a major fear of being exposed.

Writing is very personal. It’s almost intimate to me, and it makes me feel very vulnerable.

When I write I feel that I am granting access to the core of my being, like I’m suddenly offering another person a little submarine window to the depths of my thinking oceans. And we know by now what kind of devastating effects humans can have on ecosystems. Also, I’ve had my fair share of emotions gone extinct because of human exploitation.

The thing is that in writing I can’t have a comeback if you misunderstand me..

I don’t get a second chance to explain my idea, and you don’t see my very expressive facial expressions hinting towards the direction of the conversation. So for me it is a necessity that the writing is “good”. Or let’s agree to saying good enough to release it to the public. I don’t think any of my writings are good-good, but that’s a whole different can of worms.

For now I’m back at work, full on with everything — my full time job in the startup world, my own company which of course I plan to grow and develop further, my training in dealing with psychological trauma, my constant self improvement work, my books, my movies, my art, my writing, my everything. I’ll just have a different rhythm with writing, which obviously won’t be daily!

Oh, FYI, I’m starting a monthly newsletter in which I’ll issue a blog post, a book recommendation, a TED Talk or any other media relevant to the area of Psychology. If you’d like to hear from me once a month, drop a line asking to be included to adina.petre7@gmail.com.