6 Reasons Why I Know I’ll Be a Terrible Mother

I am 20 years old, single, and don’t have plans to have children any time in the near future but at night I lie awake for hours worrying about how I’m going to be a terrible, terrible mother.

Here are 5 reasons why I’m certain this will be the case:

1. Curse

I am still carrying the family curse. It was placed upon my ancestors by a wizardess many centuries ago.

2. Nipples

My nipples are extremely sharp and pointy. I hear this is unsuitable for small children.

3. I Will Tell Them The Truth About Babies

When my child asks where babies come from I’m not going to try to censor it ir sugar-coat it.

I will tell my child the truth — that a baby forms when a parasite crawls into your body through the belly button, which could happen at any time.

I will tell my child: “The parasite burrows through the flesh and into the womb, where it hooks into the host’s bloodstream and saps their nutrients. When it has had its fill, and the host is sufficiently drained, the parasite crawls back out through the throat and rearranges its parts until it forms a humanoid shape.”

I do not care how this terrifying knowledge will negatively affect my child.

4. Physical Capability

I am weak and slow, my fangs are dull, and my exoskeleton is fragile. I am simply not physically capable of protecting my young or adequately performing my other motherly duties.

5. Being A Mother Is Genuinely The Hardest Job In The World, And I Am In Awe Of Anyone Who Does It Without Fucking Up Too Bad. I Love My Mom So Much.