Here’s what a month of introspection taught me about myself…

This piece is going to be all about me and what I feel about myself and life in general. If you’re turned off by people who blow their own trumpet, I’d humbly suggest you keep reading. This may give you a chance to get an insight of what people like us think and why we’re like the way we are. And probably even lead you to speak openly about yourselves without caring about what people think (which, by the way, is great!).
Honestly, I’ve never invested time in myself and tried to understand what I want in life or how I’ve dealt with things until now.
Here’s the thing, I’m 26 and I guess it’s time I get my shit together and have a vague idea of what I want in life. I feel no one can ever know what they really want in life. It can’t be that easy. People know what they like to do and pursue it but even those amazing souls probably don’t know what they’re chasing.
What are the few things that everyone wants? Money? A bigger house? A cool neighborhood? Fancy gadgets?
Do you realize these things actually lead to greed! As in, if you got a million dollars today, next, you’d want to multiply that money and be even richer. Or if you have the latest fancy gadget today, you’d want the updated, fancier one already.
Yeah, I want those too but there’s more deeper things I want in life at this point that are not led by money or materialistic things that feeds my temporary ego. Here’s what I’m chasing…
Sunsets.
I got to admit. I am a sucker for sunsets. I even got an Instagram handle that I publish my sunset shots on.

But it’s not just about about clicking the right scene at the right time ,making some a kick-ass edits and uploading the picture for a tsunami of likes. Nope. This has a deeper meaning for me. As a child, I hated studying (I still do). I just couldn’t accept the fact that I have to learn some answers by heart and spit them out in an exam. Kidding, we had a concept of writing and learning at school and I was particularly not a fan of writing those lengthy ass answers multiple times.
So the best moments in my life happened in the evenings when the school and those stupid classes were over and I could go meet friends and play for hours. Evening was when my Mom came back home. Evening was a time of the day when everyone met each other and were just simply happy. Obviously, I wasn’t a photographer as a child but yes, evenings brought happiness and maybe thats what leads me to capturing sunsets now. It’s the calm, it’s how almost everyone is happy at the same time and most of all it’s the coming back. Not just people coming back home but the general idea of the day hustle coming to and end and everyone getting back to their comfort zones. That’s what I want more of. That’s the moment I want to keep capturing. The one that each and every one of us shares and yet experiences it differently.
A Dependable Relationship.

This one’s tricky and very controversial. I’ve been in relationships that ended horribly. All of them. Be it a mistake on my end or the other person. Shit happens and we get used to learning from it and move on with life. We move on with a hope that next gig is gonna be the one that’ll do it. But probably the thought of making that next one work is where the problem is.
We run into relationships not thinking about what we actually want from it. I mean, I’ve done that too. But it was okay when I was a kid at school or my college days. Yes, those experiences taught me a lot but I feel I need something with a little more intensity and depth now. Not just someone to share a glass of whiskey at a party but someone that I can share my blatant insecurities and my deepest fears with.
After all the havoc, a depression phase and four failed relationships, it took a good year and a half for me to understand this simple yet extremely complicated concept of companionship. To understand the fact that it’s not the right person, it’s the right relationship that I should be seeking.
Peace Of Mind.

I’ve had a lack of peace all my life. I never had a calm environment at home or at school. It was always chaos. An uncertain chaos. I was surrounded with alcoholism, occasional violence, drug abuse and disrespect. My parents decided to go their separate ways when I was 17, my little sister went to a distant boarding school when she was almost 6, and I was all over the place. Somehow graduated, moved to a new city for further education, I was actually trying to escape the situation and the paranoia. Managing another failing relationship, financial crisis, wrong jobs and even worse decisions, I some how landed back in Bombay.
Things had settled down by the time I moved back and the chaos was almost non-existent. Moving back home was another challenge. I lost my freedom and things I was used to doing my way. You see, I never had a stable state of mind or peace; so to say. Now that the things are much more settled in life, the bad influences are gone and I have a few things I love, I’m finally beginning to find peace. If not peaceful, at least things aren’t as chaotic as they once were. And I wish to keep it that way!
Music To Calm My Soul.

I connect with music deeply. It’s like music is hard-coded into me. It’s only understandable since my dad was a musician himself; so- genes! But honestly, I can’t do without music even for a day. I take it very seriously and personally. I need just the right pair of headphones so the bass creates a vibration on my ear and I’m able to feel the track I’m listening to. How much ever angry, happy, anxious, confused or sad I may be, I always resort to music. It’s like the zen mode for me. It’s my safe zone, my happy place.
I listen to everything! From hour long Tomorrowland sets to soul music to Ed Sheeran to Eminem to Bollywood to even Spanish music sometimes. For me, each song connects at a different level and feeds a unique emotion in my head. Music to me is what spinach is to Popeye. Can’t do without it. I just want to be exploring new sides of me and evoke new emotions in my head with new songs that I explore. It’s just what I enjoy and can NEVER give up!
Staying Motivated.

I feel I naturally lack motivation. Be it at my personal to-dos, work or just day-to-day chores. You’re right, I am a lazy ass. But that‘s exactly what I want to change in myself. I know of people waking up early, killing it at their workout routines, reading up stuff and just naturally being happy. While here I am cribbing about how my coffee is excessively sweet.
I’ve recently started working on it. I realized how waking up early can uplift one’s mood for the day and why others do it. I’ve realized why reading is important and am working on developing a habit. I’m working on keeping myself motivated to be at the gym every evening without any excuses and to have a positive outlook towards almost everything.
Now, I don’t crib about my coffee being sweet, I just add another shot of espresso to it 😎 Progress? Hell yes!
These things, that I’m chasing, may or may not amount to defining changes to my life but it’s a good start I believe. This is my first blog. Yes, that a start.
