Depression and Guilt: You’ll Not Vanquish Me!

Adriana Adarve
Jul 25, 2017 · 5 min read
… Let’s work together instead!

Do you live with depression and guilt? Or, do you know a depressed person, yet are unaware of how guilty they feel? These two usually go hand-in-hand, but why?

So far, I have talked about the darkness of depression. And I’ve mentioned the sadness, hopelessness, and the rest of self-defeating emotions. While I haven’t delved into any of those emotions, today I would like to take up a quite destructive one: the guilt a depressed person lives with.

True, I cannot actually talk about why others might feel guilty in general. But I can still say that feeling guilty is quite the common denominator in all depressive people.

Guilt, the Unmentioned Emotion

It is actually quite typical to talk, or at least mention, the myriad emotions a depressed person goes through. But, guilt is very seldom mentioned. Why is that? Your guess is as good as mine, but, in my case, I was not even aware of how guilty I felt all the time.

“What do I have to feel guilty about? There’s nothing to feel guilty about,” many well-meaning people might say. Others also say, “If you feel guilty, it is because you have done something wrong.” I no longer pay attention to the latter and have no real answer for the former. I am still trying to decipher this mystery myself.

Why do I feel guilty when I am depressed? Should I, or should I not feel guilty?

To be honest, I didn’t even know that there was nothing for me to feel guilty about. Somewhere deep down, some powerful force was pushing me to feel guilty. As if I had done something terribly wrong. But… What was this terrible thing that I had done and could not even remember?

When I am depressed, my mind is so foggy that I cannot even start separating things, that is, rational thoughts from irrational ones. But, I have to give great thanks to that tiny part of my brain that is still somewhat functional. With it, I learned to separate these rational and irrational thoughts. How? Through self-determination, patience, and help. Then, I ask myself, “Where is this guilt coming from?”

Where Does Guilt Come From?

Guilt is something that comes from a very deep place in my subconscious. It comes from my childhood, the particular way I was raised, and the specific things that were expected of me. As a child, I absorbed all these expectations and strict upbringing without question. I even grew to expect these same things of me and to be very strict with myself and my actions.

Unbeknown to me at the time, but I was going against my nature. I am convinced today that depression became my lifelong companion because I have been going against my own nature. And with depression came its unquestionable “partner”: guilt.

When I realized my condition, I started feeling guilty for being depressive. Then, I started feeling guilty for all the things I did or didn’t do while depressed. Feelings of guilt also invaded me for the things I said or didn’t say. I started feeling guilty for not living up to expectations. Then I felt guilty for wishing to fulfill somebody else’s expectations. I want to follow my own nature… And I feel guilty about it!

I’ve felt guilty for not being “strong” enough to even get out of bed in the morning or lacking energy all day long. Guilty for not following my friends’ well-meant advice, or following it against my better judgment. I’ve felt guilty for wasting a sunny day indoors. Guilty for feeling sad or not feeling sad. I’ve felt guilty for showing a “normal face” when, in fact, I was going through hell inside, and the list goes on, and on, and on!

The Load of Depression and Guilt

Guilt, guilt, guilt… Everywhere! Guilt has swallowed me at every turn. And the interesting thing here? Absolutely nobody was aware of how guilty I have always felt inside.

Many people consider guilt to be an irrational emotion. And how can I say if they are right or wrong? I don’t know! Rational or irrational, what I do know is that a depressed person doesn’t feel guilty by choice. It is an emotion that entraps us and doesn’t want to let go, whether we know where it comes from or not.

I have said before that the one thing a depressive person wants most in this world is to stop feeling depressed. And when I say this, I mean that we don’t want to feel any of those emotions anymore. Alas, we also know that our condition has no cure. We cannot — I repeat, we CANNOT — shake off depression as if it was a bothersome gnat. It is simply not possible.

Knowing this, I have come to a point where all I want to do is work hand-in-hand with my depression. I want to learn what it is teaching me about me.

Since guilt is part of the load, I also want to learn what guilt is teaching me about me. Why is it here? Where did it come from? Is it “logical” that I feel this guilty about everything or not? How can I know myself better through my feelings of guilt?

Working Together With the Guilt

Observation… Willingness to learn… Open mindedness to hear the message… Strength to work with the message… All these things may sound easy enough on paper. Yet, they are as hard to a depressive person as moving a mountain is impossible to any other human being.

It takes more patience and strength than you can ever imagine for a depressive person to say, “Very well, let me sit with this feeling so I can hear the message.” And… when we cannot do it, we feel guilty because we cannot do it!

But, this is my message to my companions: “Depression and guilt, you’ll not vanquish me! Let’s work together instead.”

What Do You Think?

Do you live with depression and guilt? How are you managing both? Share in the comments below.


Originally published at www.artisanoflight.com on July 25, 2017.

Adriana Adarve

Written by

I am an introvert, and I have a long relationship with depression. I believe we all have the potential to find inner peace and happiness. I share how I did it.

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