Am I still non-binary?
This enby poster child is ready to pass the baton
Am I still non-binary? I used to think so, but as we fast approach the third decade of the 21st century, I’m now not so sure. In the short time the term “non-binary” has been in use in the English language, the popular definition of it seems to be shifting toward something that I’m actually NOT. And when I look around at other people who identify as “non-binary,” I don’t always see kindred spirits.
When the term “non-binary” first came into popular use a few years ago, I had a total “ah-ha” moment. As someone AMAB (assigned male at birth) who always gravitated toward a feminine expression, up until then, I had only been able to describe myself as “androgynous” and/or “gender morphed.” Sure, I had gender dysphoria, but it didn’t fit the typical transgender “I was born in the wrong body” narrative. I was mostly okay-ish with my body, and since I always had a bit of an outsider alternative/punk/goth attitude, forcing myself to “fit in” with mainstream society as a specific gender wasn’t really a concern of mine. I just preferred to present myself (and be seen as) “femme,” despite my genitalia. So finally, here was a term that seemed to more accurately describe myself and my identity.
At the time, “non-binary” seemed somewhat analogous as an alternate flavor of “transgender,” for those whose gender presentation and attitude were okay with being seen as “in-between or neither.” And while that distinction still carries some weight, there increasingly seems to be a greater divide nowadays between “transgender” and “non-binary.”
It should also be mentioned that “non-binary” also became a convenient legal term, and I was one of the first people in the country to officially change their gender to this new, third gender option. (The state of California preferred that particular term to the one I ACTUALLY wanted, which was “transgender.”) In fact, on January 2, 2019, I was probably the first person to get the non-binary “X” gender marker on their California drivers license.
When I look at my naked body in the mirror, I literally see “non-binary.” Quite frankly, to put it in politically-incorrect terms, I look like “she-male” porn. I have body parts that are both traditionally male AND traditionally female. I’m often described as an “alpha personality,” which — in our fucked-up society — is often thought of as a male characteristic (as if women can’t be strong, bossy, or assertive, because stupid gender bias). I mean, I FEEL non-binary. And by that, I mean I literally feel TRANS-GENDER (like transcending gender). I mentally and emotionally relate more to (most) cisgender women, but… yes, I also still pee standing up.
My gender presentation however? Oh yeah, HARD FEMME. Like, I’ve gone to GREAT lengths to LOOK as fucking (politically-incorrect terminology in 3, 2, 1…) “pass trap” fishy femme as possible, which, in the eyes of other transgender folks, puts me squarely into a BINARY trans category. I’ve had multiple gender-related surgeries, I take female hormones, I’ve done 22+ years of electrolysis and laser hair removal, and I’m constantly working on feminizing my voice. Is ANY of that non-binary? It doesn’t matter how I FEEL, right? SOCIETY at large mostly SEES me as a woman (or at least a trans woman) and let’s face it, I’ve done all of the above in the service of functioning easier in everyday society, so I can be seen and be perceived how I WANT to be seen, without needing to announce pronouns or explain myself. All of the above are clear gender cues carefully constructed in order to create a convenient gender expression shorthand.
BUT — given current trends, this isn’t really how non-binary people are supposed to be, right? Non-binary folk aren’t supposed to CARE about PASSING as a gender opposite of what they were born with. Non-binary people don’t spend thousands on surgeries and procedures to make themselves feel less like their birth gender, do they? And increasingly, there’s the idea that many non-binary people don’t even have gender dysphoria, at least not in the same way that most transgender people do.
Now before the comments section gets filled up with “just be yourself” platitudes and “who cares about labels,” let me be clear: I CARE. I don’t live in a “hyper-woke” queer bubble. I like to function in the so-called Real World, filled as it is with bigotry, stupidity, and ignorance. The Real World doesn’t operate very well with vagueness or grey area, which is why, despite the non-binary “X” on my California ID, I have an actual “F” on my U.S. passport, because non-binary still doesn’t officially exist as an actual “thing” in the eyes of most nations (including the U.S.). And as a traveling DJ in a relationship with someone based in Germany, I prefer to travel easily without getting hassled at customs.
So in conclusion, I think it might be time for me to retire the non-binary banner I’ve been waving these past few years. In today’s political climate, it feels a bit disingenuous for me to claim non-binary space (no matter how I feeeeeeeel) when, by all actions and appearances, I’m pretty much just a buying-into-binary transgender woman with enough gender dysphoria to do extreme things to my body simply to (there’s that word again) FEEL better.
Indeed, these days, I prefer “she/her” pronouns, although I’m still okay with “they/them,” if one can deal. Legally though, you better believe I’m keeping that motherfucking “X” on my Cali ID because, fuck you, I (mostly) pass in mainstream society as a woman yet love the fact that, yup, I can still pee standing up.