One of the things that got me into trouble, and feeded my depression was the lack of voice that I had. I didn’t speak to my needs, wants, and desires. I didn’t speak to clear the air, to ask questions, or to take a risk. I didn’t advocate for me and what I stood for.
That was a mistake. Especially when it comes to friendships, romance and most relationships. It is vitally important to be crystal clear in what you are saying, and what you want to do and/or accomplish. One must express those feelings.
When I sunk into a deep depression, one of the causes was that I had silenced myself, hoping that in saying nothing, I wouldn’t get hurt. I was SO afraid of speaking my truth and possibly getting hurt. It had terrible consequences for my mental health.
Holding back your voice and who you are corrodes you inside. It knaws away at your soul and psyche and makes things incredibly difficult. Not only isn’t good for you, but it isn’t good for the people in your life who are expecting that honesty and forthrightness to shine through.
One of my favourite poems is by Langston Hughes and is called “Harlem”. It’s also known as “A Dream Deferred”
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore —
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over —
like a syrupy sweet?Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.Or does it explode?
I think that deferring dreams, or holding back things one desperately needs to say is akin to deferring a dream. There’s no telling what might happen, but rest assured, no option is good, and the last option is the worst — it might explode. I refused to speak my mind, and my dream exploded, causing me and a good friend a huge amount of collateral damage.
But why was I holding back my voice? Fear. Simple (and as complex) as that. There are a lot of quotes on fear, but my favourite one is from Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) on the occasion of his first inauguration speech. Many of us are familiar with the first portion, or a derivative thereof; “ nothing to fear but fear itself.” However, that does such a disservice to the quote and the message missed, that I’ve taken it upon myself to memorize the sentence in its entirety because it is so important.
“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIKMbma6_dc&ab_channel=Speakers.com
The second part…”nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror”: Correct on all accounts! Our fears are unreasoning! In many cases, they are not based in any firm reasons, or methodology. They are bogeymen conjured up by our souls because we don’t want to do something and/or take a risk we have magnified a thousand-fold in our minds. We do not deserve to have these fears. That is, we have done nothing to be subject to the terror we think we feel or will feel. Totally unjustified. And our fear is not the garden variety of fear, oh no, it is terror, which makes everything seem worse and amped up.
Continuing, “which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance”. So not only is it bad in general to have fear and to have these emotions wreaking havoc on ourselves, there is a tangible result to those fears: We do NOT do the things we need to do in order to get ahead, to grow, or progress, or flourish. In fact, what being held captive to fear does is make our problems WORSE.
Circling back to the title, “Speak the speech”…I realized that fear of the reaction of saying something that I believed in, that I desired, and/or wanted shouldn’t be my modus operandi going forward. Not speaking out has far too often caused me hurt and pain — more hurt and pain than if I had said something. It enabled me to nourish a fantasy that had no business flourishing.
Luckily, I realized this fairly early in my trip down depression lane once I started seeing a therapist. To wit, this was my blog entry at the time.
APRIL 6, 2019
In this day and age, we do a lot of communicating. But how much talking do we do? I mean in the literal sense of actually opening our mouths and speaking? Sure, we text, FB messenger, DMs on Instagram, Snapchat, etc. But how often do we actually sit down, spend time and convey information verbally? If you’re like me, probably not very often, or as often as we should.
“As often as we should.” If there isn’t a word that has more freight and causes more consternation, I’ve yet to hear it. SHOULD. It’s like a command, or mandate that we have to undertake something. It’s laden with values and judgement. Depending on who’s saying you should do something, it can be akin to an order or a very strong request. Should. And still, I stand by it.
I think we lose something by not talking to each other. There’s so much nuance when we speak. The sound of our voices, the pace of our speech, the inflection. There are so many messages that we can send that are lost as our words and thoughts get filtered through the keyboard. So much of the metamessage disappears.
When infants are young, the first words that they say are things to be celebrated and noted.Why? I think it’s because we know that we have power in our voice, and it’s momentous when we first discover it — even if we don’t know it at the time.
When we talk, yell, shout, scream — our emotions are on display and are unmistakable. People know our meaning for the most part. There is no confusion that breeds within messages that are electronic based.
Additionally, saying something out loud makes it real. At least I think so. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that you are speaking it and expressing your view and hearing it at the same time. I mean, I can write out a blog entry, for example, but reading it to someone would be different than sending them a link. I’m hearing my own words and it’s reinforcing the message.
I’ve been learning to say things out loud. Or trying to. To verbalize things instead of sending a text message for example.Talking about me, I’ve come to some conclusions about my feelings. In a typical introverted fashion, I’ve written them, texted them, thought about them in my head. But I never actually SAID it out loud. That recently changed. I admitted something to myself that I’ve been fighting, but needed to do in order to move forward. Friday night, in bed, looking up at the ceiling, I whispered those words to myself. Then I said it louder.
I slept like a log afterwards. I think it was because my conscious, subconscious, intuition, gut-feeling, etc, were all fighting. When it’s in your head, it can get jumbled up. Saying it out loud provides clarity. It also can cause tears, and grief. That’s the power of your voice. That’s the power of your words and your voice. Say it out loud.
Marshall McLuhan, a great Canadian once said, “The medium is the message.” In short, the medium or form in which a message is transmitted is as or MORE important than the content of the message.
How does this relate to me, or to you? It means that the way you give a message, and the form may be more important than the actual content, OR that the medium needs to be considered as strongly as other factors since it will be taken into account.
Say it out loud. If there’s something important that needs to be conveyed, say it out loud. It will make a…different impact than if it’s typed. Pick up or use your phone. Start digging into your talk minutes! Or better yet, if there’s something in your life you want to change…or something you need to accept…don’t think about it…well, let me rephrase. Don’t just think about it. Look in the mirror, or the ceiling, or while on a walk, and slow down. Open your mouth and say it out loud. Say your story out loud. Cry your pain out loud. Spread your joy out loud. Be proud out loud!
Say it out loud and watch what happens. And if you’re lucky, things won’t just happen to you, but to others too.
APRIL 7
My last post talked about the value of actually saying things out loud using your literal voice instead of using text, and all other forms of communication that are e-based. As I was reading it over, I was thinking that while I talked about the style of what to say, in terms of saying it out loud, I really neglected to mention the content of what to say.
I did end off with a quote by Marshall McLuhan, “the medium is the message”. So, yes, how the message is delivered is pretty damned important. All of that being said, one still has to worry about the content, especially if one is going to do something as risky and daring as using your voice in the most literal sense.
So here are some tips that I wish I learned in addition to using my voice.
Be direct and honest. There is no shame in expressing what you want and what you need in order to be happy or to clear up misunderstanding or confusing situations. People aren’t mind readers, and dropping hints or sly clues doesn’t cut it. Not as an adult, anyway. When I say direct and honest, I don’t mean rude, and I’ll get to that in the second point.
Be kind. Remember that everyone has feelings and that we are a lot more sensitive than we let on. If what you’re saying isn’t direct, honest, and kind, you’re probably not working hard enough in figuring out what you want to say. It IS hard. It’s difficult. There’s always a chance that the person will ignore your statements and entreaties. That’s ok. The point is that one has to start off that way, and gradually emphasize the point until they get it.
Be understanding and empathetic. One can be kind, polite, etc, but being empathetic is a step further. It’s being able to sympathize with what someone is feeling and feel that as well. One can be polite and not care or understand what someone is going through in their hearts. Knowing their hearts and feelings? That’s being empathetic.
Be open. Conversations can go in a myriad of different directions, some predictable, others not so predictable. While you may think that you have a roadmap for how a talk will go, I can promise you that tangents will appear and your carefully planned conversation will go off the rails. Embrace that. Now isn’t the time to be rigid and inflexible because your plans have collapsed around. Be open and fluid, and realize that all in all, those aren’t bad things to be.
Be careful when speaking about things that make you angry. Happy, sad, morose, wondering…all are valid emotions to talk about. So is anger, and rage. Groucho Marx said , “If you speak when angry, you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” These words are still hold true. While getting out feelings of anger are important, you have to be careful that you don’t make the situation worse. Basically, be doubly sure of all the above points before speaking to someone when you angry.
I wish I had followed the above advice…I had so many questions, and I hope to get answers for them. In time. But in the meanwhile, I hope these are helpful. Saying it out loud! It’s still the way to go.
That’s all for now!
I have tried to take those words to heart, and have done a better job. Not as good a job as I would like, but I’m doing much better. My friendships and relationships have borne the brunt of it. Yes, BRUNT. Trust me, those who will be most upset at you speaking your voice will most likely be the people who care for you the most and aren’t used to hearing you speak up. Or, they will be those who see an old, unchanged version of yourself, and can’t handle the honesty in your voice. Never mind them! Keep on using your voice to advocate for what you want, and to tell them how you truly feel. Rest assured, you’ll feel better, and any relationship will be on stronger footing (if it’s meant to survive).
And before I forget — the monologue “Speak the speech”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2Jvh2EDSmc&ab_channel=MitchMaglio