Hi, Jackass. Have We Dated Yet?

I’m so sorry to bother you but you look really familiar. You have that certain douchebag smirk. I’ve just got to ask, have we dated yet? Or are we going to date soon? That must be it. Looking into your eyes is like peering into the future and seeing the many and varied ways you are going to make me feel like a total failure of womanhood, just as your brethren have before you. It’s familiar to the point of almost being comforting if “comforting” meant a monotonous nightmare that I just can’t wake up from.

But where are my manners?!? I know you don’t want me to treat you like other guys because you’re so unique! And special! It’s super nice to meet you! I’m sure this is all going to be great for the first week or two. I really don’t want to seem rude but can we just skip past the part where you act all sweet, gentlemanly, and vulnerable and get to the part where you send me dick pics and then accuse me of being a level five clinger? Or maybe you’ll just drop off the face of the earth and pretend I never existed. Again, I don’t want to be rude but things are really hectic right now so if we could just fast forward when you turn into a prick in a totally exceptional way that is absolutely not at all reminiscent of every other jackass out there, that would be so great of you.

Look, I’m sure that you’re a perfectly lovely guy who has never been in a position like this before. But what can you do with a lunatic like me? Bitches be crazy. We’re all remembering the things you do and expecting you to follow through on the things you say when obviously you just gotta be free to be you.

And I get it, really I do. There are so many younger and hotter women out there that you’d be crazy to treat me like an actual human being. Besides we all know what women are good for, right? And it’s not yammering on about being humans and wanting to be treated with respect.

I really look forward to the special bond we’ll share over the next three weeks before you get freaked out by me having thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Yuck, why do us dum-dum women have to have feelings anyway? It’s just so boring and stereotypical of us. We must all be on our periods or something.

Anyway, I should probably go so I can overanalyze everything you say and try to trap you into some sort of relationship and I know you’ve got to be swamped thinking of how you’re going to make me think I’m to blame for whatever it is that’s about to happen. So take care! Hugs!