Jobs for Which Donald Trump Is Well-Suited

It was inevitable that GOP Presidential Nominee Donald Trump would find a way to declare himself a winner after this past weekend’s bombing and attempted bombings in New York and New Jersey. As soon as anything in the world happens, he claims that he called it first, inspired it, or created it. Doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a photo op, Lady Gaga, prompting the release of American hostages in Iran, or describing an attack as terrorism. So the fact that he did the latter on Monday is unsurprising, even when he said he “should be a newscaster because [he] called it before the news.”

What is surprising is that it got me to thinking about how his entire Presidential campaign could just be a man in his advanced years, looking for that next purpose. Maybe the precious li’l bigot is just lost in the wilderness, looking for his next career and he just reached too darn far. With that in mind I bring you some jobs that I think could be real winners for Donald J. Trump:

· Toupee tester

· Confirmer of room soundproof-ness

· Escalator rider

· Guy you hire to make other bigots/misogynists seem not so bad in comparison

· Producer of infomercials

· Media heckler

· Example for lecture series on Jackassery

· Birth control and/or horniness deflator

I was even thinking something along the lines of superhero whose main powers were selling used cars and making children cry but the thought of him in tights and a cape brought me right back to him being really effective birth control and/or horniness deflator. It is my desperate hope that showing him how the latter part of his life can still have meaning without him being President of the United States that we can prevent him from crushing all our hopes and dreams by winning, destroying the country, and sucking out all the meaning and greatness from what it means to be an American.