Top Ten Reasons Cats Need to Rehome Their Humans

Off to the shelter you go, human!

I’m having kittens and don’t want my human around them

Everyone knows kittens and humans don’t mix, the humans are of course going to want to pick up and handle the kittens right away and God forbid one of them get into the kittens’ nest and smother them when the kittens are sleeping.

Better to dump the human at a shelter so the kittens will be safe.

My human keeps scratching my stuff

I was going to take my human to the doctor to have the fingernails and first joint of each finger brutally removed (it’s fine, the human would be sedated while this simple surgery is performed) but no human doctor would perform the surgery because they said that would be cruel. I don’t get it.

My $20 cat bed I got at Petco three years ago is really important to me and I’m sick of my human messing with it.

My human is sick and I can’t take him to the doctor

I have been feeding my human only Doritos and soda for the last 3 years and now he is sick. I can’t afford to take him to the doctor and even if I could, it’s getting really annoying cleaning up his puke every day.

I’m going to dump him at the shelter and get a new human who can hold down a steady diet of junk food without inconveniencing me with constant illness.

My human is peeing everywhere

Every time I try to drink out of the toilet, I see my human has peed all over the seat. I can’t take it.

I considered trying to re-train my human to use the bathroom but instead, I’m just going to take him to the shelter. I’m sure they are better equipped to deal with this than I am.

My human is too old

I’ve had this human for 15 years and don’t want her any more, I’m going to take her to the shelter so I can get a younger human.

Old humans don’t do anything except sit around, she never wants to play with me and I always have to take her to the doctor. I’m sure she’ll get a loving home with someone who likes old humans.

I am moving to a place that doesn’t allow humans

Listen, I have looked at hundreds, maybe even thousands of apartments and none of them allow humans so I can’t take my human with me.

OK, that’s a lie, I actually looked at five or six apartments and I really like this one because it has a view and granite countertops. Either way, the human can’t come. Oh, and I’m moving tomorrow so this human needs to be out of here TODAY.

My human doesn’t get along with kittens

I don’t get it. I let my four kittens jump all over and scratch and poke at the human all day long and then the human gets really upset and yells at them. I just don’t feel safe with this human yelling at my kittens all the time, it’s dangerous.

Please come remove this human from my house immediately, he is a danger to my kittens. Excuse me, I’ll be right back, my kittens just knocked over a lamp and my kitchen is on fire.

My human sheds too much

I knew when I got a human there would be a lot of hair to worry about but this is just too much. I am constantly fishing her hair out of the drain and it gets all over the place when I play with her hairbrush.

Can I give you this human and maybe you give me a hairless one that doesn’t shed?

I am allergic to my human

Yes, I’m aware I’ve lived for 10 years with this human but it’s the strangest thing, all the sudden I have become allergic to his human dander.

I am not aware of any over the counter allergy products to keep my allergies under control so I’m just going to have to dump my human at the shelter.

I have too many humans

It started off with one human but then they kept breeding and now I have 27 humans and no way to take care of them. I will keep the cute young humans but I need you to take all the old and sick ones, OK?

Obviously this post is a joke, but these are very real excuses human beings make for dumping their animals at shelters and on rescue groups every single day.

Most rescues are happy to offer suggestions for solving common issues like inappropriate scratching or elimination, but often people who give lame excuses for dumping their pets are only interested in one thing and that’s getting rid of the animal as soon as possible.

Cats, please spay and neuter your humans to keep them from adding to the stupid human population.

Adrienne is Managing Editor of Going Concern, founding editor of Jr Deputy Accountant and keeper of the red dot. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one — in this case, as with anything she says, Adrienne’s opinion is her own. ‘MURICA!