We’re all an “American Degenerate”

How we are all hypocrites, too sensitive, and too politically correct.

By: Alexandra Roll Mitchell and Emily Sands

November 30, 2000 was a fateful day for Mr. Jim Norton, along with Lewis Black, Rick Delgado, and a busload of prostitutes in the making. He and his cohorts from the Opie & Anthony show thought it a good idea to cruise the streets of Manhattan in the Voyeur bus accompanied by topless teenage girls. Norton and his buddies rode shotgun while the girls flashed families and children of all ages through the translucent windows of The Voyeur. Perhaps Mayor Rudolph Giuliani would have allowed his sense of humor to get the best of him, but the real kicker happened to be that the route to City Hall (and conveniently the route that the busload of porn stars decided to take) had been closed off for president Bill Clinton’s motorcade later that day. In his novel, Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch, Norton disputes the severity of their arrest by claiming that, “The cops have always been fans of the show and arresting us certainly wasn’t their decision. We found out later it came from Mayor Giuliani. Apparently, President Clinton was in town, and the Voyeur Bus was getting dangerously near the travel route designated by the secret service, which embarrassed and pissed off the mayor. A bus full of teenage tits driving by Clinton’s motorcade route; insert joke here (since I am obviously too lazy to bother).” Perhaps Norton’s contempt for sensitivity in society and infringement on individual liberties can be attributed to this trivial arrest. For whatever reason, the comedian uses all avenues to criticize societal hypocrisies.

Jim Norton, a native of Bayonne, New Jersey, has emerged from the pits of self-hatred and now stands as one of the most successful, influential comedians of our time. Norton’s childhood by no means consisted of playing jaxs in the street with the other kids or even playing Mario in his room like a normal psychopath, instead, he invented games such as “Monster Rain” in which he and his creepy best friend would give each other blow jobs underneath his front porch. Norton’s teenage years proved to be no better than his childhood. At the age of eighteen, Norton found himself in a pool full of his own blood, consumed by suicidal thoughts in his parents’ basement. All throughout high school, Norton struggled with alcoholism. He eventually redirected his own life by entering himself in to a rehab center after dropping out of high school his senior year. Norton’s comedy style and onstage character can be completely attributed to his childhood and the life altering events that shaped it. Sometimes described as an “angry comic,” Norton centers his comedy on the horrors of society. Colin Quinn, a comedian who has worked alongside Jim on the television show, Tough Crowd, describes Norton’s greatest strength as, “…having a unique ability to critique all the hypocrisies in society while remaining real enough to admit that he was as guilty as everyone else in the game.” He attacks society’s oversensitivity to controversy, and above all else, he criticizes society’s inability to coexist peacefully and the lack of respect that accompanies it. Judging from his past, Norton is familiar with struggle and hardship, but he never uses his past as an excuse. He makes himself equally responsible for the horrors of the world and does not pardon anyone today’s issues.

As a noun, “degenerate” is defined as an immoral or corrupt person. Jim Norton embodies this persona in his standup, American Degenerate, by pointing out the terrors of society through explicit language and detail. This skit emphasizes privacy and public disregard for individual liberties, such as freedom of speech and one’s right to his own opinion. Norton describes the main issue in society by saying, “It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.” America, a country based on the ideals of freedom, has become a shark tank of critical bloggers. No one can freely express their opinions or beliefs due to fear of rejection and harassment by others. Norton asks the question: how can we possibly expect our beliefs to be respected if we cannot respect the beliefs of others? In a sense, Norton acts as a modern day, wildly inappropriate Mother Goose, teaching the Golden Rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” A group of people Norton targets in his standup is the “bloggers.” He loathes these people and the sickening way in which they ruin people’s career due to oversensitivity. Norton suggests that the only way to correct society is to allow every individual to express themselves freely.

The stand up comedy routine is performed in Boston, Massachusetts in 2013. In April of 2013 the Boston Marathon bombings occurred. Norton doesn’t mention the Boston Marathon bombings, but he does mention other terrorism acts including the attack on the World Trade Center. This is significant because throughout Norton’s stand up routine he makes jokes about societal problems: how people can be hypocrites, take advantage of others, be too sensitive, and be too politically correct.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. How are you? How fucking great was that? I got to fuck that girl.

Thank you guys so much. Man. I..I..I really am happy to be here in Boston. I wanted to shoot this in Boston because I really wanted to do this show and then be muuuurdered on the way back to the hotel. Where is everybody? I feel like I’m on the set of the Walking Dead. But I, Its really good to be back here and I mean that. Its been a couple years since I’ve performed in Boston.

And, uh, I was in L.A recently and I had the weirdest, it was actually on the way home from that Aussie shoot, the weirdest celebrity sighting on the plane. Sitting in front of me Al Sharpton [pause] was on the plane directly in front of- and it was so weird to root for my own flight to crash. Talk about mixed emotions as the plane is going down. AAAAAAHHHHHH AAAAAAHAHAHA Yay fatso

Ooh do I not like Al Sharpton. He got stabbed years ago in Brooklyn and I found out the guy who stabbed him is a big fan of mine. Which is cool because I like his work too. I just wish he was better at his job

Because Sharpton makes racist so difficult. We all try to do the right thing. And we all try to say the right thing, but he makes it even harder than it needs to be, and the media is the worst. They wont mention race during certain suspect descriptions .

That’s how politically correct we are as a country. I was reading in the New York Daily news the description of a rape suspect and they didn’t mention the guy’s race. Now once you’re caught I don’t care what you look like, but if we’re still looking for you how bout you mention all pertinent information so we know who to avoid on the elevator. Not that I’m the rape target but I think you understand. This was the politically correct description that they gave. They said the young man was in his 20s, approximately 5 foot 9, a 185 pounds, and was wearing a red sweatshirt. Uuuuuuhhhh. You want to cut the hunt in half? Red sweatshirt? Really? Why would you mention the thing he can change but not the race which he can’t?

What? Do you think he is going to leave the sweatshirt on until the manhunt is over? All of his friends are telling him “you might want to take that sweatshirt off.” [rapist’s voice] “No, no I commit all the rapes in this” “This is my lucky sweatshirt. There’s a lot of blood, and hair, and DNA on this baby.”

And I’m talking about black people and white people. I’m sure other groups have these racially uncomfortable moments, its not just black and white. I’m sure Korean guys have it with Vietnamese guys. We would never notice but I’m sure it does happen. Like I would believe you if you told me that’s what it was. Like oh really I thought it was one guy yelling in a mirror.

Do you ever do something that you know makes you look racist but you know your not?

Like, uh, I was on a plane and I’m getting into the row to sit and there’s three seats and the woman in front of me getting into the window seat was a black woman and, uh, she was about 20 years old. And then there’s me. And the woman getting into the aisle was another black woman who was about 55 and I don’t know what had made me think they were traveling together. [pause] But my heart was in the right place. I was trying to be a courteous nice passenger and I’m like “ah do you two want to sit together?” [pause, face of someone who made a mistake]

Do you ever have words come out and you immediately want to put them back in with a shotgun? I recognized my mistake fast because the younger woman actually goes “sit together??” And the older woman was like[with an accent] “ why would we?” [horrified face] uuuuugh.

They’re not even from the same part of the earth. I was off by oceans and continents. The woman said “why would we?” There’s no acceptable answer to that question. Cause your black that’s why. We like to see all blacks in one part of the aircraft area madam. I was so humiliated I just took the path of least resistance I’m like “I’m sorry I thought you were lesbians.”

Enough of this politically correct polite no-Americans seem almost phoney at this point. We’re always trying to avoid saying- when did we become such easily offended whiney fucking babies? I never realized how many sports writers wanted to write Chink in the Armor. [blinks a lot for effect] until Jeremy Lin scores 35 points [pause] and then they can’t get to the keyboards fast enough. Wonder if he has a chink in the armor? Wonder if he has yellow fever? Get it? Get it?

Holy shit we love to watch- I think people use this, this eggshell walking that we do to their advantage. Like people play semantics games. Like in New York the big story for the last couple of years-they want to put a mosque at Ground Zero in New York City. Which, yea I would prefer they didn’t. Um. But I don’t want the government to tell them they cant either- you can’t legislate anything with religion. I have no legal argument I real- here’s my whole legal argument: [lawyer voice] Why don’t you want that mosque at Ground Zero? [his answer] Eh [pauses, shrugs] I rest my case. But everybody understands why that feels uncomfortable. Just cause its legal doesn’t mean that you have to do it. I mean, its legal but that doesn’t mean you should put a condom machine in the lobby of a rape crisis center. And the people running the mosque project were playing these word games because they-they thought people would be too uncomfortable to say the truth. Uh, the guy was like “I don’t know why anybody would be offended by a mosque at Ground Zero. There are strip clubs in that area.” [shrugs] Thank God. [pause] And he’s like “why doesn’t that offend people?’” Gee, I don’t know ssstupid, maybe the implication are a little different. Girl with big glittery tits didn’t highjack planes and fly them into the buildings. [pause] If they had I’m sure we would have forgiven them much quicker. [pause] I know I’d be a lot more open minded about it. WWEEELL THIS GALS UPSET LETS SEE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY. [pause, staring at “girl”]

And when did airport security become this ssshhhocking procedure in America? I love the fact that when we act like such civil liberty victims because they want to frisk us. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO FRISK US AT THE AIRPORT? Gee, I don’t know, maybe its because we don’t live in Utopia where a guy’s walking through and they’re like “hey do you have a bomb?” and he’s like “Aaah you got me.” [walking away]

Like what do we expect? We demand safety, we demand security and yet we bitch and we moan every step of the way and feel victimized and people like “well profiling is never right” BBullshit. We just don’t like negative profiles. You’ve never heard anybody complain about a positive profile. [man voice] “Hey is that your kid? He looks kinda, uh, kinda smart” [dad’s voice] “Woah Woah Woah Him? Nahnahnahnahnahnahnah [pause, shaking head] “Nah nah his mother drank the entire time she was pregnant with him. Ruins every- say something [boy’s voice] “neeeerrrrg” [dad’s voice] “you see dumb motherfucker, watch it” [pause, pointing at the man]

Bullshit it’s only a negative profile and I get stopped 70 percent of the time that I’m going through airport security. They ask me to step aside. They’re profiling me. And they don’t look at me and think “Islamic terrorism”. They look at me and think “Oklahoma 95”. [pause] I look like every disgruntled, creepy, white shooter. [pause] And it’s mildly annoying at worst. It’s not that bad. It doesn’t ruin your life. They’re like “could you put your arms out please” And, alright, you feel a little self conscious cause you’re standing in crucifixion pose. [pause standing in crucifixion pose] And typically no one standing like this is doing well at the moment. [pause] And, uh, you know the pat down used to be a quick function area 1, but now it’s a little more involved. [enacting what he is saying] They come under the wrists, and under the armpit, down the torso, around the waist, one hand on the outer leg, one hand high on the inner thigh, and you wanna creep them out when they touch inner thigh and go uuuuuhhh[sex moaning noises]. Let your legs buckle a little bit [sex noise] give a sexy laugh [sexy laughs] and then they press very firmly all the way down to your ankles to search for weapons. Now, I always, uh, wear sweatpants when I fly, [pause] and I take Cyalis [pause] is the recipe for an amazing moment. At least once every flight I have to elbow the person next to me and go uuuuuuh [looks down at crotch, looks at person next to him and shrugs]

And I was, uh, in the New York airport and it was a younger TSA guy, like a younger cop, they’re a little over zealous. And he was very firmly pressing down my leg and I could feel the sweatpants starting to go. And I was gonna say something but I’m like [big eyes] let it happen. It’ll be nice to do this once without getting arrested. [pause] And, uh, and they slid down to about mid thigh and I was soooo annoyed I had on underwear. [pause] And I’m like this could’ve been the greatest moment in my life. Cause he told me to put my arms up. Not only would I not have pulled the sweats up, but I would’ve opened my legs nice and wide. [opens legs nice and wide] So he couldn’t pull them up either [takes deep breathe and thrusts, looks down at crotch and thrusts x2] Balls in your court officer. [long pause]

And I’ll say this, I think for women th-the searches are a bit more invasive. So maybe the TSA needs to fix what they do because for women it’s a bit more to go through. I think you guys have a harder time than we do cause that’s what I go through as a man and its nothing. But for a woman to have to stand there and have your breasts moooshed together, and your own breast milk poured down your throat, your buttocks separated [disgusted look] whatever else I would do if I had that job. [pause] How do you not abuse that power [gives look, waves hands apart signaling to spread butt apart, then fingers her and smells fingers] [TSA person] “You’re no terrorist” [pause]

And I think the really alarming part of that joke is how tall is this woman. [fingering motion again] So then they install these full body scanners, right? You stand there for ten seconds and they take an x-ray of you and people complain about that! And its like I don’t know what we expect, but people’s self centeredness, but people were afraid that someone was going to capture the image of them, an-and see the photo negative outline of their [mocking voice] penises, or their breasts. Or in my case both since I’m in horrible physical shape. [pause] And you would see these awful people on the news like [person’s voice] “I don’t want to see myself and my wife uploaded to the internet” Nobody wants to see you and that hhorse you walked down the aisle with. [pause] You pompous idiot, you think you’re the couple I jack-off too when I’m looking for porn? The 45 year old account executive, you’re packing five inches, your wife has one breast larger than the other. [circles around his crotch] She hasn’t shaved in six weeks, her bush looks like the big ravoo from “Laverne and Shirley”. [pause]

Hey look, I would be very interested to hear anybody’s alternative solution. But, look, how do you stop the mentality like the guy the underwear bomber, who they just gave life in prison to not too, too long ago. He was going to blow himself up dick and balls first. All suicide bombers are repulsive, but dick and balls first? Even though its only a nanosecond, there’s still a nanosecond where you’re like [terrorist voice] “My dick and balls are goooooneee”. [pause]

And I’m not a paranoid guy, but I am scared of plunging thirty. thousand. feet. So when people are always like, and people get very pissed off at this stand up and I get all these emails from these civil libertarians. They’re like [civil libertarian voice] “You don’t care about your privacy. Ben Franklin once said, “He who will sacrifice liberty for safety deserves neither liberty nor safety.” Ooooh. Did Ben Franklin say that? Well fuck Ben Franklin. A. Ben Franklin had slaves. B. Ben Franklin wore stockings and C. Ben Franklin never had to worry about plunging 30,000 feet cause some savage yelled “Allah Akbar” and blew his dick and balls off in the clouds. [pause]

And don’t get me wrong, I value my privacy as much as any person in the room, but we’re a nosy country. Why don’t we just admit how nooosy we are? I will- I’ll be interested in hearing people talk about privacy when there’s an accident in the south bound lane and the north bound lane that maintains 60 miles per hour. Then I will believe people when they say they value privacy. Until then, we are a country of morbid jizzbuckets who like to watch other people’s lives go into the toilet. So lets shut the fuck up. [pause]

Any excuse to say morbid jizzbuckets. [pause] But look at the tv we watch. Like we watch stuff that’s all invading other people’s lives. “Hoarders” is a popular show. We watch a show about people with messy houses. [pause] Like they’re the worst people on Earth, you would never talk to them in real life- look I’m not judgi- III watch those shows and I cant get through more than 20 seconds without going “JUST THROW IT OUT. IT’S SHIT!!” [pause] They are the most selfish, hateable people on the planet, [hoarder’s voice, touching small table] “eeeeeh I just gotta touch my little thiiing, myyyy thiiing meeeeh meeeh I cant clean up. I’m Steve Bar fibromyalgia. Meeeh meeeeh”. Whlaaaaach Don’t you hate it when the therapists coddle them? [therapist’s voice] “Now why do you think you’ve been saving bottle caps since 1982?” [hoarder’s voice] “Because my mother yelled at meeeee.” [touching side table again] Oh, clean the house you fuck. You have cat shit in the freezer. [pause] Every “Hoarders” episode should start with them going to the mall and eeend with them going home saying “why are there firetrucks in front of my house”. [pause] And you make them stand there and watch their fucking house burn and whatever they can run in and grab, they can keep. [pause]

Fucking smelly assholes. [pause] Cause they never hoard anything good. You’ve never seen a hoarder saving anything you value like [hoarder’s voice] “I don’t know what to do with all these signed Mickey Mantel baseballs”. [looking at baseballs] Its always utter garbage. [hoarder’s voice] “I don’t know what I should do with this box of doilies mother knitted”. Eh you can stand on it and hang yourself. That’s my suggestion. Self-centered douche bag. [pause] But we’re a nosy country and I understand when television shows are voluntarily al-al-al uh, allowing you in their house is a bit different than the TSA forcing you into a search, but I’m only talking about our overall view of privacy.

Uh, like the-the “Dog Whisperer”. I like that show, I didn’t like that show, but look what that show is. We watch a show to see if people’s poorly behaved pets [mocking voice] end up a little better by the end of the episode. [pause] Can you imagine ten years ago if someone suggested that to you? You’d spit in their face. [viewer’s voice] “I cant get up after commercial, I have to see if the labradoodle quits barking.” But I think we all watch it secretly hoping for a mauling. Like you want to see that one time where Caesar runs into a Saint Bernard and you hear arhagirah and the camera points up. And then the dog runs by with a severed multicolored man with a watch on it. And that noise he makes is genius, he fst, fst, fst. Who knew? Centuries and centuries of people going sit, nooooo, nooo and the dogs like oh, fuck yourself. FST, alright I got it, igotitigotitigotitigotigigotit igotitigotitigotit.

Don’t you wish that worked in a real relationship? How great would that be? You’re wathing television and your girl walks in [girl’s voice] I wanna [man] FST [points to ground] Then she just lays on the rug and licks her pussy. [pause] Another great example of our love of privacy is-what about “Lockup” on MNBC, which I think is one of the best shows on television. But look at what awful people-prisoners are awful, awful people. We tune in every week like [viewer’s voice] “What’s going on with their lives this week? I wonder what they’re having for dessert.” I think men watch it, because I think for men when we watch it it’s for different reasons. I think that it’s a survival thing. We wanna see and analyze how we think we would do [pause] in that situation. And to be very honest, I don’t think I would do particularly well. Cause the things that distinguishes a woman like my buttery soft ass, and my B-cup tits would make me a commodity on ‘Lockup”. [pause] They would probably get me the first day, some guy of thirty years would walk over and I would be in the shower having no idea how sexy I was being. Ssssudzing up my bosoms, the water glistening off my boyish ass. Guy has no teeth is like [prisoner’s voice] “Yo, thethe tittieth ith nithe”. [waving hand as if lifting boobs] [pause] I don’t know why, but the lisp makes it more humiliating for some reason. [prisoner’s voice] “Yo, let me thuck them tittieth.” How humiliating for a man to have another man forcibly sucking your tits. [motioning sucking tits] You gonna try to play it cool and maintain your dignity. And pray that you don’t jizz on his leg. Cause that would send the wrong message. But I think every guy has walked himself in a prison rape at least once. I think we’ve all done- I mean not for a like [man’s voice] “Oh man how would it have been” [jacking off] I don’t think for that- he he- [man’s voice] “They’re Mexican, no they’re Haitian.” [pause] I think we all walk ourselves through a prison rape just to figure out what would I do. And I’m not a tough guy at all. I’m smart, so I would try to use my brains like I would find-you’re not gonna fight off a bunch of guys. You know what I mean? Five guys jump on you and I’m sure I’ll yell STAHP, like that’s ever worked in the history like [prisoner’s voice] “Oh sorry, come on fellas he doesn’t want to get fucked. Lets go”. By the third guy, you trying anything [man getting raped’s voice] “FST”.

But I would try to use a little bit of psychology, like instead of fight my way out, I would find one really big guy and-maybe in the cafeteria, I’d flirt with him a little bit, tie my shirt in a little knot [flirting man’s voice] “Hiiiii”. Give him my peach cobbler [flirting man’s voice] “Here daddy”. And I would take him back to my cell and drop to my knees, slide his trousers down, then I would tug his bag until it was taffy like, and then I would put his cock in my mouth. [enacted whole scene] Now there is more to this explanation, but do you know how much it would suck if I had a heart attack and dropped dead right now? And that was the last thing anybody ever heard me say. And you all left saying “Well I guess that was his solution”. Now I don’t know how much cock I can get in my mouth, but with my life on the line, let’s hope it’s a whole lot. I would get an A for effort believe me. I would shoooove ah aha ha [motioning cock in his mouth] Look like I had a cheek full of big league chew. I’d put two fingers in his ass like I was packing a pipe. [enacting scene] whaaahaaa [sucking cock and fingering asshole] And then just as he relaxed I would squeeeeze his balls and go nnaaannn and sink my teeth into his dick [enacting out scene] and riiip and that would stop the prison rape. And that’s how they would find me, just standing in front of the cell with a half eaten dick. [making groaning noises] I should rephrase that- completely uneaten dick. I don’t know why I would imply that I would snack waiting for the guard to come. [enacting eating the dick] And then nobody else would rape me. [prisoner’s voice] “uugh, that’s the crazy biter. Uuuugh”. I like to think that’s what I’d do. I hope that’s what I do. Cause realistically I’d probably go aaaah [start to bite dick] [gets slapped by huge guy] [huge guy’s voice] “NO TEETH”. I’m sorry daddy. [sucks dick] Give daddy’s boo boo a kiss. [kissing dick] I like to think I’d be known as the craazy biter, but I’d probably just be the fat, titted, cock sucker, [pause] which is my nickname now.

And by the way, where are all these people screaming about privacy invasion when Tiger Woods’ personal life was coming apart? I don’t remember one civil libertarian, or one civil libertarian group this guy’s right to have privacy while his humiliating personal life was falling apart. Now, look, I’m not gonna lie I enjoyed reading Tiger’s text messages as much as anybody. They were fucking fantastic. But I don’t mind enjoying that because I don’t pretend that I’m any better than him. I admit publicly- you bet I’m a piece of shit and I’m a much better dirty texter than that idiot was. [pause] He just wasn’t very good at it, you know what I mean? He would kinda copy and write things he heard in pornos. Really awful. Like he-Bytheway they didn’t even show what the girl said. They would only show you what Tiger said. Dirty text messages, even in context, are very damaging. But out of context, they look really, really bad. And, uh, he sent to one girl, he goes [Tiger’s voice] “I want to choke you and slap you in the face”. That looks bad. Especially in no context. You don’t know what the girl said to inspire that. It could’ve been anything. [girl’s voice] “I’m gonna commit genocide”. [Tiger’s voice} “I’m going to choke you and slap you in the face”. Or who knows, maybe she was a horrible racist. [girl’s voice] “You gold pretty good for a chickaboo”. [Tiger’s voice] “I’m going to choke you and slap you in the face”. Or maybe it wasn’t even Tiger, maybe he put his phone down at a party and Ben Roethlisberger picked it up. [pause]

But I uhhhh- its ok to enjoy that stuff as long as we stick up for people when they’re thrown under the bus for behaving like we do. Because, again, it was really funny to watch such a nice looking guy so completely filthy. And I’m a pervert for reaaal and some of his tet messages made me go “oooh Jesus”. Like he wrote one- he goes [Tiger’s voice] “I want to fuck you in the ass and shove my cock down your throat”. You might want to put “lol” after that. [pause] Or at least reverse the order. Nobody minds if you shove your cock in their throat and then fuck them in the ass. Thaaat’s just a common way of saying “Thanks for a great evening”. But if you’re gonna write “I want to fuck you in the ass”, your next text message better be “then take a shower immediately. [pause] And scrub my dick with lava soap. And then you can suck it if it doesn’t stink any longer”.

Now the only thing to be careful of, is there are certain massage therapists who give little sexy symbols- like they flick their nipps [caresses nipples] or do something sexy- but they have no intention of giving you a hand release [makes a disappointed face]. These women should be killed [points finger towards the audience] crowd goes wild

By the way, do you know how much fun it is to come on stage and talk about this? And nobody gives a shit?! [raises arms in delightful confusion] crowd cheers. I’m so lucky to just be a fucking comic and nobody cares- its never gonna hurt me to talk about my personal life- like you know if I ever get busted with a prostitute, no Jim Norton fan is gonna go “Oh well I wont be buying his DVDs anymore” [Norton says in a mocking tone with a sarcastic facial expression]. You know people are probably are gonna go, “Come on lets go to the show! I wanna hear exactly what happened!” [throws hands into air]

I feel bad for real celebrities, and like actors and stuff, who cant have that kind of openness. Like I feel like they have to live inside this bubble, and it just looks like a tortured way to live. Like poor John Travolta [throws hands down with an exhausted face]. I feel very, very bad for him. Now I’m gonna phrase this really carefully- now I am absolutely not saying he is gay- I’m only saying It don’t look good. [grins a little]. Crowd cheers.

He does a few things that I think are on the gay checklist- like he was sued by MALE MASSAGE THERAPISTS [emphasizes the last three words of that sentence] for sexual harassment. That’s a check [makes imaginary checkmark with his hand]. He’s great in musicals? That’s eight or nine checks [makes several imaginary checkmarks with his hand]. And I had very mixed feelings when I was reading about the Travolta Case, which I think a couple of guys sued him for like 2 million dollars each [makes unsure facial expression], and I believe that since the cases have been dismissed, but I belieeeved what the massage therapist was saying [emphasize on the word believe]. I believed his account simply because every creepy thing he accused Travolta of, I’ve done 50 times during a massage [points to himself]. I wasn’t shocked by ANY of it, I felt like I was perusing a manual that I had written [pretends to lick fingers and flip pages of a manual] [sarcastically laughs at the manual]. Crowd cheers

Like the one guy said he was massaging I think right by Travolta’s buttocks [holds his hind leg] and he said Travolta was pushing [thrusts the air] his hips back, which shocked a lot of people but, as we just discussed [waves hands in an explanatory manner], is move 11. Its perfectly acceptable?! He said Travolta was pushing his ass back so far that the cheeks were separating [demonstrates the separation with his hands], which OH I was in AWE of John Travolta. NOTHING but respect [claps hands wildly].

Do you know the ab/core control you need to tighten up your stomach and swing your asshole open like saloon doors?? [traces outline of his abs] crowd cheers. Do you know how good you have to be at pilates just to make your ass WINK on command?? [sticks out ass and mimics wink]. I’ve been trying that for 2 years and all I’ve managed is to fire a log of shit on to my calf [sends arm sailing in opposite direction]. Crowd cheers.

And there’s nothing wrong with that- when your ass opens like that its just your body’s way of saying to a finger “GET OVER HERE.” [aggressively motions finger]. “Come on get in here. Don’t be shy!!”

I loooove a finger in my asshole! [mischievous face] And I’m not just saying that because it’s the title of my autobiography. Just a little finger ticking around *leetlelettlelettle* FRIENDLY, NEIGHBORLY- like you ever been home, here’s what its like, you ever been home and you don’t realize your front doors open? And your next door neighbor walks in [motions hand across stage], and at first you’re like “aaahhh…oooohhh its just you Jo-Jo” [shifts voice from scared to relieved]. “What you got four friends with you? [makes uneasy facial expression] Alright bring two of them, bring two” “AHH NO bring one bring one!!” [Makes a surprised face] If you bring two, all three of you are gonna leave with Abe Lincoln hats on! Crowd goes wild

[Rubs head] So while I believed the therapist’s tale because of the details, I hated these guys for suing Travolta- cause I think a couple of them sued him for like 2 million dollars each, claiming that they wounded mentally during the massage [ uses a mocking tone while waving his hands around]. Get the FUCK outta here, you litigious scum bags!!! Two MILLION dollars cause what? Travolta played grab-ass with you? Go fuck yourself! One guy said something like he was massaging Travolta, and that John reached out and grabbed his scrotum [reaches his hand out and grabs his own dick]. And then he said a few minutes later, John reached out AGAIN and grabbed the shaft and head of his penis like quickly [demonstrates this entire process]. So all I’m thinking is “Alright, what kind of pants are you wearing while giving a massage?? [holds his hands up in confusion] That Travolta can grab three separate items in the dark?? Cause I want those pants in EVERY color!”

And the guy said that Travolta grabbed his scrotum, and then he said a few minutes later he- whoa whoa whoa!!- so you KEPT massaging him?? [looks at crowd in disbelief] Fuuuck you. How many legitimate interactions do any of you have on a regular basis- where you grab somebody’s scrotum and you only get a warning?? I don’t know try that the next time you go to the dentist. Crowd goes wild. If he gets a little too close, just reach out [extends arm with his hand in a claw shape] and “oooooh” [makes a monstrous noise simultaneously] oh yeah I’m sure he’s just gonna go “up up up, come on now!” [points his finger as if he’s scolding someone] “that’s the third time I’ve told you to quit pullin and tuggin my bag you silly goose!” “Four more times and you’re outta here!” [points to an imaginary door]

TWO MILLION DOLLARS. We wonder why we’re such a country of like human resources/litigious douche bags… it’s because we cant stop suing each other! Do you understand what John Travolta would have to do to me during a massage for me to want 2 MILLION DOLLARS in putative damages?!?! As I started massaging him, he would have to pull out my dick and start punching it [forcefully punches the air]. And he would have to put on brass knuckles and put it up against the edge of the table and punch it, for the ENTIRE hour [repeatedly punches his knuckle into his own hand]. And then take me up in his private plane and pull his dick out [gestures to his own dick] and say “now suck it, or I’m gonna crash and kill us both!” And then once we landed safely (crowd goes wild) once we landed safely I’d say, “*spits* Hey John.” I had to clarify that because I didn’t want you to think its *pretends to swallow* “Hey John.” If I said, “ya know, hey John, you punched my dick for an hour and then fucked my face and then came in my mouth [lightly chuckles while listing these], can we take a picture together?” [soft smile]. If he said “no picture”, then I still wouldn’t sue him. I’d ask him for him to sign my pulp fiction, and then I’d shut the fuck up.

But I feel really good. I finally feel awake tonight- cause I’ve been talking for a long time in the shows. I have terrible, terrible sleep apnea. And I know some of you guys have it because I’ve gotten a big fan response. Who has sleep apnea here? Some people have it? People in the crowd cheer. I’m going to show you a picture of myself in my apnea mask because- and I used to have it on my phone and I would show people- but is there a more horrifying moment than when you hand your phone to somebody to look at a photo?? [eyes get wide as he pretends to hand someone a cellphone]. Cause all you’re thinking is DON’T SCROLL [makes wide eyes]. You stay within arm’s reach if they have your phone. If they move back a step, you scooch up a step [inches towards the front of the stage]. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing?” Cause I KNOW what’s on either side of that apnea photo. You know its apnea photo.. COCK PIC, COCK PIC [gestures on both sides of the apnea photo].

So can we bring that down? This is me in my sleep apnea mask. [large photo appears behind him]. That is not the look a woman goes for. I think women would be more turned on if I went to bed with a flesh light taped to my face. Just look at that!! If you have a pussy I CHALLENGE you to keep it wet while looking a this [points backwards toward the photo]. IMPOSSIBLE! That dries up a vagina faster than a hot fan! And its not just the mask that’s so humiliating- cause the mask is bad enough- but do you see the little white CHINSTRAP [points towards photo]. Now here’s what that is cause the way the mask works is it goes over your nose and it forces air into your lungs [feels on his lungs and takes a deep breath] expanding your lungs as you breath, so you sleep through the night and you don’t wake up gasping. But because I have such a fucking weak chin, [points at his chin] and little shitty thin bird lips, my mouth kept going “ppgahhh, ppgahhh” [purses lips together and opens mouth, making the sound]. And all the air was shooting out of the front of my face, so I would wake up with my face QUEEFING!! Crowd cheers.

I like to put it on after sex. Like we have sex [thrusts hips] then I put it on and I’m like “Haaaa look at who you fucked!” “HAHA you fucked Bane, how do you feel about that?!?!” So I had to buy that fucking little chin strap… “oh haha you wanna fuck me? I look like I have the mumps in 1930” [ties an imaginary strap on to his head] [makes painful moaning noises]. Alright you can pull that up cause that is just fuckin horrendous.

So the mask- here’s the problem. And a lot more of you probably have sleep apnea than realize it. Like if you snore, that’s a big sign of sleep apnea. And its amazing how angry we get with people when they snore, cause when somebody is snoring, that person is dying next to you! [motions to an imaginary person next to him]. But do you ever just stare at somebody while they snore? [pretends to stare] And you get angrier and angrier…. “why don’t you just shut the FUCK up?!” [snarls]. “SHUT UP you selfish piece of shit!!” You ever just look at their stupid lips quivering [pretends to snore] and want to just pinch their nose? [pinches an imaginary nose with a giddy cheer].

Do you understand that when you pinch somebody’s nose, you are daring them to die?! You’re playing a game of chicken with the Grim Reaper. Like “alright cock sucker I’m calling your bluff. Now what?” [pinches nose]. And then when they finally breath [imitates a snorer breathing], “That’s what I thought scum bag!”

That’s like somebody being on a ledge going, “I’ll jump!” and you go “Oh its cold in here. Fuck you” [pretends to shiver] and you close the window [pretends to close a window]. But when you have sleep apnea man its SCARES you because you feel like your body is against you. Do you know how scary it is to go to bed, and I feel like my tongue and face are trying to murder me in my sleep [looks at crowd in disbelief]. And its so anti-nature, like your body is supposed to protect you. And I don’t understand why my tongue does what it does [holds his chest]. At least if you snore, your body is trying to get help [pretends to snore]. That’s your body’s way of going “HEY HEY HEYYY can somebody elbow this jizzbucket?!! We’re dying!!!”

But my tongue just lays over my throat- its like “Shhhh…it’ll be over soon.” [hushes crowd]. I would love to ask my tongue, “What do you think happens if I die asshole?? You live on and run the show???” [gives crowd a confused look]. Like my tongue wants to kill me cause he’s thinking, “Now I’ll only have to go down on women I like!!” [pumps fist in celebration]. “No more transsexuals!!”

Guys get so homophobic they’ll like beat up transsexuals. This is the face you should make if a tranny fools you [initially looks shocked and then pleasantly surpised] [points finger as if to say, “you got me!”] You’re good [claps hands]. Nicely done!! Why get angry? You don’t get mad if somebody hands you peanut brittle and you open it and a snake pops out?? Do you know how sad I am that only half of you understood the brilliant example I just gave you? And I hope I don’t get in trouble for saying “tranny”- like that’s an offensive term? You’re not supposed to say tranny so I don’t want anyone to go home and blog about it [mockingly types on a computer]. That’s what people do now. You say something offensive, and they’re like “BLOG BLOG BLOG! I didn’t like what I heard in the comedy show so BLOG BLOG BLOG!!” [uses a mocking tone].

Ugh I fucking hate people who blog about being upset. When I hear about people blogging because they were upset by a joke, I am suddenly for predator drones killing American citizens. People just loooove to be offended and they love to talk about it…like to fucking blog about it [pretends to type]. Comedians are supposed to say they’re sorry now. Like that’s all it takes is somebody blogging- like Tracy Morgan said he was sorry, Daniel Tosh [pretends to count people on her fingers]. And I’m not shitting on these comedians. I understand why Tracy and why Tosh apologized- cause they had a lot of money at stake. They were SMART to apologize. But its like are we shocked that comedians make fun of offensive things??! [looks at crowd incredulously]. Tracy’s kinda always said fucking crazy shit- that’s kinda what makes him really funny! And Tosh was making jokes about rape and someone stood up and said “Rape is not funny!!!” [mocks this woman’s voice by pretending to cry]. And he said something like “Everybody rape her!!” [motions people in from both sides]. Which is fuckin hilarious!!! [laughs to himself]. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. But of course victim country she had to go home and BLOG BLOG BLOG “I felt very threatened” BLOG BLOG BLOG [pretends to cry]. Oh yeah I’m sure you were terrified because Comedy Club rapes happen all the time??? [throws hands up]. I’m surprised you people came tonight with the threat of rape in the air!! Oh yea we’ve all seen the news specials: “Comedy and Rape. Can they be separated?” [wide eyes towards the audience].

In all these special interest groups, who agreed with her ideologically, they sided with her-interrupting the show and they were like “you have every right to make your feelings known” [pauses]. NO YOU DID NOT. If you weren’t enjoying the show, you had every right to get up [raises hand] and quietly leave the performance crowd claps. The minute you talk, you’re a heckler BITCH, and you got what you deserve. [points to camera]. Crowd cheers. Fuck her! Fuck her and fuck her blog!

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think that they have to agree with or approve the content?? Why is that? You don’t see people walking through a museum with a towel and throwing it over paintings they don’t like! [pretends to place a towel over something]. “I don’t want anyone else seeing this cause I didn’t quite enjoy it” [waves finger in disapproval] [goes and gulps down some water].

[sighs] You know the one group that owes us all an apology, and they’re never gonna give it to us?? Is the mainstream media in this country. There has never been a greater assembly of vultures, under the same umbrella of a profession. And they do things- like continually show photos of the shooters- and they continually print the manifestos of the shooters… EVEN THOUGH, FBI profilers and personality profilers and psychologists have told them- time after time after time- do not show photos of these people [slices his neck]. Do not print their writings because it encourages other people to do the same. They KNOW they are contributing to the violence and they don’t give a fuck. And they never have to say they’re sorry.

Comedy never leads to violence. You’re never gonna hear, “Two Jews walk in to a bar… LET’S KILL THOSE FUCKIN TYKES!!!” [holds up hands in disbelief]. Its NEVER happened. And by showing photos of these guys, I don’t need to see the photos of these people. I’m not interested in what they look like. First of all, they all look exactly like you know they’re gonna look. Are you ever surprised-they show the guy from Connecticut looked exactly like the guy from Aurora, Colorado, who looked exactly like that piece of shit from Arizona. They all have that psychotic-fuckin lonely, wide-eyed look. With their little shitty pupil dying in the middle with white surrounding. Here’s rule of thumb: if you have white ALL the way around your pupil [draws a circle around his eye], you are a NUT. You’re a nut. And they never smile in their photos they’re always trying- they’re always trying to smile [mocks a smile]. But they cant because they’re just thinking of MURDER MURDER MURDER [eyes get wide]. ME ME ME MURDER MURDER MURDER ME ME ME. By the way, who are the photographers taking these psychotic photos? We should give guns to photographers- you know who we’re looking for. We have your back. If you take a photo about somebody, and their eyes are like that [makes wide eyes] and they’re happy about it… blow their fuckin brains out.

And I love how the press does this- they honor the nicknames that these guys give themselves. That’s what vultures the media is. Like the Aurora, Colorado shooter, he called himself “The Joker” and the press went with it [displays his name with his hands]. He didn’t even look like the joker… he had PUFFY ORANGE HAIR. The Carrot Top Killer- that’s what he should have been called. That doesn’t have an anti-hero ring to it. Nobody would have wanted to emulate the Carrot Top Killer! You know the next creep would have been like “Eh that’s fucking humiliating… I’m gonna hang myself alone in the basement like I should!” [raises one eyebrow].

I wish it was that easy to get a nickname picked up- you all would have come to see “Big Cock Jimmy” tonight! [motions towards his pants]. Come see Girth McGillicutty. Or I love how they perpetuate the story by looking for the MOTIVES. I love this fuckin ridiculous exercise “Why did he do it? What were his motives?” Gee, I don’t know! Cause he’s fucking crazy??? [looks shockingly into the crowd] Maybe that’s why he did it! I am not interested in the inner-workings of a psychotic mind. I don’t give a SHIT. You’re never gonna get a real answer as to why a guy walked into a theater in Colorado and shot people. What are we looking for?? “Well he ordered tickets online and they weren’t available when he got there?” Alright at least it was a real reason thank God cause that makes it feel less random and frightening!! [waves hands around]. Sick and tired of searching for the motives [snarls]. If he shat in his own hand and started eating it [pretends to eat something out of his own hand] nobody would go “what are his motives?? Why is he doing that??” [puts hands on his hips. We would all be going, “Look at that crazy fuck- let’s back over his head with a truck and lets get it over with!” [takes a swig of water].

Ah. One more thought on Colorado. I almost forgot. Do you know who really impressed me after the Colorado shootings?? [points finger to crowd]. Christian Bale. Cause I always thought he was a real piece of shit- like a cranky, douchey actor- but after the shootings he actually went to the hospital and talked to a bunch of the victims and I’m like “What a nice guy! And I wonder if any of them looked at him and said, ‘Where the FUCK were you?!”

He’s a great actor but I don’t like him as Batman AT ALL [throws hand down]. Like I like him as Bruce Wayne, but that stupid stroke lisp voice “I’m Batman” [uses a mocking voice and slurs his speech]. “Tell the people I have rebels palsy” [mocks his voice] [chuckles]. “I’ll be doing the New Year’s Eve countdown from now on!” BLOG BLOG BLOG “I didn’t like that Dick Clark joke” BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG [uses whiney voice]

Holy fuck are you guys great?? [paces stage] I need to get laid badly [tugs at belt]. Girl in crowd cheers OOOOHH. Are you by yourself miss?? I cant see you but I can hear you; are you alone? Girl cheers again. MHM I like that sound! [grins in her direction]. Where are ya? [makes binoculars with his hands]. “Right here!” (male voice) Oh…. [disappointed look]. That’s about the fuckin… that’s the norm [shakes head as if he expected that response] [chuckles].

I’ve gotten so much weirder as I’ve gotten older-sexually. Like scent is a very sexy thing to me [inhales very heavily]. I like the SMELL of a pussy. Yeah like I want it to smell like- and again, like a subtle [sniffs], not like a… you don’t want to notice as she’s coming up the driveway [extends his arm] [makes a disgusted face].

Or even the smell of a foot. Like I don’t have a foot fetish [leans in] but I kinda like a foot to be a little stinky…not dirty [gestures his hand back and forth]. Like don’t come over after you’ve been taking a Zumba class in the fuckin warehouse barefoot! But if your foot’s a little stinky I’ll suck your toes, but I don’t know what to do with a foot in my mouth like I always feel weird like, “Ok so…” [puts his fingers in mouth to emulate a foot] cause you just feel silly “OW YOURE SCRATCHING MY GUMS YOU WHORE” [fingers in mouth]. But you feel weird sucking all the toes cause you feel like you’re giving five consecutive blowjobs in order from black to Asian [makes a sucking shape with his mouth]. Crowd cheers. And you cant get mad at that joke cause I didn’t say what side of the foot I started on [moves hand from left to right]. But we all know don’t we?? [stares at crowd].

Although my favorite thing to do is eat pussy. I eat pussy really well and I know I’m good at it cause I stop every thirty seconds and go “Ahhh? Ahh?” [motions towards an imaginary vagina]. And I like a BIG pussy. I like a FUCKING FAT one- I like a camel toe that will stop conversation at a party [emphasizes every word]. The type of camel toe you can see with google EARTH. Like I hate when you pull the panties aside and its just some little dumb pussy [makes disgusted face]. Like, “HIIII… HIIII” [waves two fingers]. BOOO BOOO!!! I would love to have a giant cock [exhibits a three footer] like when you put it in and a girl’s like, “Ahhhh go slow!!” [pretends something is entering him]. You know how nice it is to hear go slow?! Cause then you know the only reason you’re not in the hospital is because I’m a good guy! But if I tell a girl, “I’m gonna fuck you HARD”- they’re like, “alright” [throws hands up very nonchalantly]. “Its your money”

Thank you Boston I love you very much!! Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate you coming down [waves hand in air]. Thank you so much. Thank you! [smiles towards audience].

Norton reveals the hypocrisy that exists about privacy: everyone wants it, but no one wants to give it. He first describes how everyone is constantly complaining about airport security and how they feel like their privacy is being invaded by the TSA through the frisking or the body scanners. Norton conveys the intensity of their hypocrisy by explaining how people demand their privacy at the airport, but once in their own homes they are invading the privacy of others through reality television.

People watch these shows to escape from their every day lives. They can watch Survivor or American Idol and think about what they would do on an island or how well they can sing. They are able to get away from the hustle and bustle of their day. People also watch reality television in order to feel better about themselves. Norton directs his audience to focus in on the show Hoarders. Hoarders is the perfect example of people wanting to feel better about themselves: they watch people who live in garbage and can’t throw any of it out. The viewers like to think that they are better than the hoarders because they might have a basement full of old clothes and books, but they don’t have a house full of “bottle caps since1982”. The audience has no problem invading the people on the shows’ privacy as long as their privacy is not infringed upon.

Norton likes to point out how people take advantage of others through the bit about John Travolta and the massage therapists. Norton claims that the only reason the massage therapists are complaining about what John Travolta did was because he is rich and famous. Norton believes that everyone gets frisky with their massage therapists, but the massage therapists do nothing about it because their clients don’t have the money that John Travolta does. The professionals asking for two million dollars in compensation shock him. He feels that the massage therapists are taking advantage of John Travolta because they would not normally file a claim, but because John Travolta has so much money, they file a claim for two million dollars.

Our country has become too sensitive if you ask Jim Norton. He believes that people are taking things too seriously and he reveals this by showing his distaste for bloggers and the people that force comedians to apologize for their sketches. Norton mocks all of the bloggers that feel like they have the right to complain about anything and everything. He feels that they shouldn’t be causing so much trouble that a comedian has to come out with an apology statement; he believes that the person has the right to leave the show and never endorse the show again. He claims that people are too sensitive and need to grow a thicker skin.

Political correctness is not always correct. Norton shows his dislike for how politically correct we have become as a country in his stand up routine. He criticizes the news for excluding race when describing a race victim in fear of being racist. This is the ultimate sacrifice for being politically correct: letting a suspect run free. In this example Norton examines how political correctness can get in the way of justice and whether or not it is worth being politically correct.

Jim Norton’s “American Degenerate” is a hilarious way of pointing out all of our flaws. He points out our hypocrisy through his bit on privacy. Taking advantage of others is shown through the massage therapists asking for two million dollars from John Travolta. Bloggers reveal how sensitive people are, and hiding a rape suspect’s race shows how politically correct we are as a nation. Norton skillfully tells us that we are all “American Degenerates”.

Works Cited

1. Norton, Jim. “Happy Endings.” Google Books. Accessed March 29, 2015.

2. “Jim Norton.” Jim Norton. Accessed March 30, 2015.

3. “Understanding Racism in Korea — Seoulistic.” Seoulistic. November 14, 2013. Accessed March 30, 2015. http://seoulistic.com/korean-culture/understanding- racism-korea/.

4. “WTC Muslim Center ProCon.org.” ProConorg Headlines. Accessed March 30, 2015. http://wtcmuslimcenter.procon.org

5. Schmidt, Michael, and Eric Lichtblau. “Racial Profiling Rife at Airport, U.S. Officers Say.” The New York Times. August 11, 2012. Accessed March 30, 2015. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/12/us/racial-profiling-at-boston-airport- officials-say.html?_r=0.

6. “TSA Agent Touches My Vagina at San Diego International Airport.” YouTube. Accessed March 30, 2015. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvT40xUr50k.

7. “How The World Butchered Benjamin Franklin’s Quote On Liberty Vs. Security.” TechCrunch. Accessed March 30, 2015. http://techcrunch.com/2014/02/14/how- the-world-butchered-benjamin-franklins-quote-on-liberty-vs-security/.

8. Accessed March 30, 2015. http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/pdca13.pdf.

9. “John Travolta Speaks out on Gay Rumors.” Fox News. FOX News Network, 17 Sept. 2014. Web. 30 Mar. 2015.

10. “Jim Norton.” Spokeo. Web. 30 Mar. 2015.

11. “Mumps.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation. Web. 30 Mar. 2015.

12. “The New Shayne-Michael.COMedy.” ShayneMichaekcom RSS. Web. 30 Mar. 2015.

13. “Jim Norton, the Poster Child of the Stupid White Liberals Who Voted for Obama.” The Obambicom Blog Wwwobambicom. 3 Dec. 2009. Web. 30 Mar. 2015.

14. “Batman Actor Christian Bale Visits Victims, Hospital Personnel.” — The Denver Post. Web. 30 Mar. 2015.