Reflections Through a Detour, Pt. 1
TBD (To-Be-Determined)
In my final year of university, a professor of our design course said to the (very sparse) classroom, “You’ll be lucky if you understand the problem by the time you’re done.” In this context, my best guess is that he was trying to quell our potential doubts over our own work over the last year in finding and tackling real-world problems. However, despite the context, I can’t help but believe that I caught the hints of a smile on his face as he said it, a look that revealed a grander comedy behind his words — the kind of things you sometimes catch from someone about to retire.
The question, or problem in some sense, of what to do with our time becomes pertinent at different points in our lives. That’s not to say that it doesn’t occur to us beforehand, but till some point you can defer to authority, rationality (used as a placeholder for the general sentiment that you should get a degree, a job, etc.), or some other life circumstances. The point of real importance of the question comes when you realize you have real freedom — in a comparative sense to the past — with what to do with time and money; you’ve finally met the table-stakes for playing the game of life. For me, this period started in 2023 when I graduated from university, moved out, started a new job, and got laid off from it. So I decided to start writing as a way to both document, reflect, and enjoy the ride that is a time of learning.
In summary, this piece is about the reckoning that begins when you find yourself suddenly thrust out of the race of life that you’ve been running and have a moment to stop and think about where you find yourself. Possibly an absurd reckoning, but that’s outside the current scope.
Introduction
This post originally started as a way to promote the app that I had worked on over the months of October and November (Circuits°), but once I started putting together the thoughts, it became clear that I was more interested in telling the story of how I’d ended up working on that project than simply shoe-boxing myself into the role and the accompanying self-protrayal of an entrepreneur/founder. Especially when I became more unsure of whether or not it was the right role for me at the moment.
I can’t share what it means to work on a project of my own without setting some sort of stage, both external and personal. Nor do I want to, because I see the journey of working on the app as far more interesting than the app itself, which so far has exactly 1 paying user out in Vietnam. Therefore, the following is a timeline that goes from the months of April to early August, through the story of graduating, travelling, starting work, and getting laid off.
April
With the last exam of my 5 year degree finishing with the soft thud of my laptop closing, I felt more “eh” than anything else. Everyone says you never realize how special the experience is until you graduate, and it’s only recently started to hit me — even knowing that quote — how truly unique that time is.
I hope whoever marked my final had at least a chuckle.
At the time, there were neither teary goodbyes nor a sense of endings or beginnings. Just a simple done. This was exacerbated by the fact that the exam was online and I had already moved home a few days prior, so there was no final walk back from school surrounded by fellow classmates or anything of the sort. I just looked out my bedroom window.
There was at least the comfort of the thought that what came next was much more exciting to me than what I had left behind. My final 8 months at school had felt mostly like serving time after all the adventures of the previous 8 months of travelling and working. A graduation trip with my best friends to Thailand and Bali was just a few days away, and there was no reason or time to dwell on the lingering thought of “what now?”. So I packed my bags without too much thought.
May
My friends and I flew out on May 1st, with a lengthy 36-hour flight ahead of us to Phuket. If there is one thing I’ve definitely learned from my previous travel experiences, it’s to have a lack of expectations. You may get a free upgrade, you may find that your bag has been lost, or both. It helps everything become an adventure rather than a benefit or obstacle in service of achieving another end. The only downside is that you might not find yourself excited in the way people expect you to. It’s the kind of excitement that looks forward to a time more than any particular place or outcome.
With that bit aside, the pictures of this trip speak for themselves. As a small list of adventures:
- Coached my friend as he fought 3 rounds in a ring at a bar.
— To illustrate our inebriation, we gave away the _free bucket of liquor_ that we/he got for participating. On vacation. - Faced a crippling phobia of fish and went snorkelling
— Might sound silly but I was hyperventilating and felt my chest constrict when I jumped in, but eventually I managed to find a way to enjoy it.
— Not saying I’m over it, I still avoid seafood aisles but love sushi these days. - Showed-down against an elephant trying to rob me of my tote bag of bananas
— I folded. - Got a tattoo!
I’ve come up with a lot of different answers to this question, but the only answer that’s important is the one you live; it’s one I’m still looking for. To share a useful paraphrase/misquote to explain this:
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. — Marcel Proust, In Search of Lost Time
Much easier said than done, but better to have a guide than none. When I travel, I find myself changing and then struggling to hold on to that change. So I reflect on the differences in personality, environment, thought, and action when I have too much time on my hands and ask myself, where are these eyes hidden? I’ve come to know at least one of the small things, which is how easy it is to smile. How you do it without conditions.
Is life lived linearly (i.e., at a constant rate) or in bursts? I would bet money that most people’s, and my own, camera roles suggest the latter.
My trip with my friends ended, and I took some time to go to India to see family and grandparents. Some much-needed quiet mornings and slow days consisting of nothing more than regularly scheduled chai, sleeping, and reading. I spent a lot of time with my grandpa those days, mostly just sitting together quietly. There’s not much to say, as he doesn’t bother wearing his hearing aids for too long.
Soon it was time to go home, with the knowledge that I’d be starting a full-time job in just a few weeks. Thank you, Air Canada, for occupying my mental space by cancelling my connecting flight after a 16-hour trip, leaving me stranded in… New Jersey.
June
In terms of time spent, I didn’t do a whole lot. The noticeable activities of the month were:
- Started orientation for the new, old job at BetterUp halfway through the month.
- Decided to move out downtown with a close friend at the start of July.
Most of the month was a bit of reading, a whole lot of relaxing, and enjoying the sun. In reflection, I’ve been thinking about why I didn’t tackle the questions I had lingering at this time, and I’ve come up with two theories.
Idea 1
There’s the concept of dread. What if I took a look at the questions, and what I found didn’t align with my current life? What then? Naturally, I didn’t want to be crazy or ungrateful for what I had. So it was a better decision to just not think about it. In summary, a fear of the following:
The good news is you came a long way. The bad news is you went the wrong way. — J. Cole, Love Yourz
But I think this is the weaker and more boring of the two theories. Weaker because I think my lack of “focus” was probably not so much an intentional avoidance, because my brain has never left me alone any time I feel that I’ve been running from something. More boring because self-criticism is easy, incredibly commonplace, and unoriginal.
Idea 2
Have you ever seen the movie “Inside Out”? When I watch a movie with my parents and we all enjoy it, I know it’s a good one. One thing I noticed throughout is how Joy tries to contain, divert, and effectively erase the presence of Sadness. In a slightly less anthropomorphic sense, it’s interesting to consider how our own joy naturally defends us from sadness and all its accompanying thoughts.
I’m reminded of the following quote by Albert Camus, which is the first time I considered how our body and mind are not separate systems. When’s the last time you can recall asking yourself the question “Am I happy?” when you were having a blast?
The body’s judgment is as good as the mind’s and the body shrinks from annihilation. We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking. — Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus
Back in this time, I once again had the certainty that freedom from routine and habit, both in action and in modes of being, would last. Whether that was joy protecting me from all the difficulties that accompany a serious line of questioning, a deliberate delusion, some of both, or something else entirely, I can’t answer.
Either way, I found myself working and moving out to Downtown Toronto. Looking back, I’m just beyond thankful for the spidey-sense that stopped me from signing a lease for the new place and to myself for trusting the off feeling.
July
So this month is full of activity. Going to work, friend’s places, hosting events, going out, etc etc. Living with my friend also meant we’d watch movies or TV a lot of evenings that we didn’t have plans for. I started to learn how to slack-line, and it was really fun+humbling to pick up a new skill from scratch.
I was working and making money; I had things to do all the time, but in the middle of all this activity, there was always this nagging feeling of, “Okay, now what? Why am I doing all this?”. At times, I felt that this was a privileged take, that I just wasn’t happy for all the great things that I had. But forcing yourself to be more grateful isn’t a great strategy.
The greatest difficulty was a nagging doubt about my ability to justify my daily life. The significant ennui I would find in my quiet moments.
Next stop → August.
August
A friend and I were driving to Montreal for the Osheaga music festival, and we had just finished our lunch stop when I got a call from another friend. The following is my best recollection of it.
Friend: Yo, they had a big meeting today where they announced layoffs.
Me: Oh man, that’s bad. What about it?
Friend: We saw your name on the list.
Me: Are you joking?
Friend: No, I’m sorry man.
Me: Thanks for telling me.
(Hang up)
— A phone call, circa afternoon August 4 2023 (for historical purposes)
I was definitely surprised, but not shocked. That uneasy feeling for the last few weeks meant I was a little guarded. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hit hard, just not all at once. I took a seat for 30 minutes and decided I didn’t have to deal with this just yet, or let it wreck my weekend plans. Once we continued driving, I got a call from the company letting me know. Calling my parents to let them know was definitely daunting, but it went surprisingly well. As always, we often suffer more in our minds than in reality.
I could either let it get to me then or accept that in this moment I had nothing to do related to my professional life. So we went — three friends vs. a music festival. Me and my roommate were big fans of a lot of the headliners, namely Rufus Du Sol, Fred Again… and Kendrick Lamar. To anyone who knows the music and has read this far, it’s probably no surprise that my favourite artist is Fred Again… . It is far too cliche that my favourite songs are Angie (I’ve been lost) and Danielle (Smile on my face). Regardless of that, though, this was nothing less than the time of my life. It is hard to capture the feelings of joy, companionship, freedom, and loss that all mingled together under the setting sun, electric crowd, and bright lights.
We are always left wondering around which corner the next highlight of our lives will be. In the moment, we believe it will never end, but the sun rises the next day. See, this is why I have the views on expectation and excitement that I do. Chasing the feeling is dangerous because that perfect storm I found inside of me during this one weekend is not something that is replicable. I know I don’t look forward to getting laid off on my way to the next music event I go to, but the experience wouldn’t be the same without it.
The rest of this month is the mess that ensues when you find yourself so catastrophically without internal guidance. I could immediately get into the cycle of finding a job, but I knew that it was definitely not long-term helpful right now. Therefore, I leveraged the feeling of elation I had over those 3 days to avoid facing what it means to get back on my feet. Most of the time was spent in the following cycle.
Closing
I’m going to stop here since there’s a lot that goes into the next part of the story, which includes:
- Starting and quitting a job in 3 days
- Dealing with the social aspects of being unemployed
- Coming to terms with the fact that there was no owl coming to rescue me from my predicament and land me in wizarding school
- Choosing to move back home
- Decided to pursue a “startup” with my friend and make an app
- Getting a taste for how hard startups are
- Re-read The Alchemist, some Paul Graham and some Nassim Nicholas Taleb.
- Coming to find some more questions
In short, the next part will be about attempting to find my way to a temporary direction. And being broke. If you’ve read this far, I hope you’ll enjoy part 2 as well :).