Why tiny living has messed with my head.
We live in a 40ft skoolie, on the river, in the middle of nowhere Oregon. It is everything we wanted and it’s messing with my sanity. I’ve posted previously about my struggle with depression. However, I think it goes deeper than that.
Recently, we traveled back to Denver for a wedding. It was great to see our friends, and celebrate such a special occasion. Everyone wanted to know about the bus, how life was going, if Derek was doing well in school, and if I liked working with the chickens. At times I felt like a record player, but I was happy to talk to anyone who wanted to know. After some time at the pre-wedding pumpkin carving party, I was asked a question I was not prepared to answer.
Now that you have so much time, do you like being with yourself?
It took me by surprise and stuck deep, but it was the best question I’d had all night. The answer was “no”. I was honest and the explanation of why came to me instantly. I hadn’t thought about it that way until that exact moment. I hadn’t rehearsed my answer, and it flowed from my mouth as if it had been there all along.
Without the stress of big city life (an awful commute, 40 hr work week, and more), my stress levels have never been lower. Nonetheless, I haven't been cured of my troubles. With all the city life stress out of the way, the emotional baggage we all hide has bubbled up to the surface. Like the sea foam people play in, it’s just crap that has inevitability floated to shore. When I spend so much time alone, working from home (aka the bus), in a peaceful place where shitty neighbors can’t mess with me and the noise of Federal Blvd. traffic is so far away, my insecurities are staring me in the face.
No one talks about the mental side of choosing a tiny life. Some people joke about it being a marriage killer and how they would go insane cooped up in such a small place. I think that those are superficial troubles that people invent to ignore that living tiny brings you face-to-face with the parts of yourself that you don’t like.
For now, I’ve got work to do and I’m looking for the right counselor in my area. I want to wholeheartedly thank the friend who brought me to this sudden realization. I feel great that I found out I don’t like being with myself. This is a chance for me to grow and become a better person. For the first time in my 34 years, I’m truly self-aware.