Medium Article #1

Can’t Seam to Get Out of Bed

Dear reader, I am warning you there might not be anything of value for you to take from this article, IT just IS.

I woke up today again with pain in my body. Pain from too much sleeping, I had been eyeing my phone to check the time when I heard my housemate get ready for work; 8:34, 9:00, 11:09. But it wasn’t till 11:55 that I stopped tossing around and decided to keep my eyes open. I don’t want to get out of bed, I just want to keep sleeping, it is engaging, I dream. But my body will not let me. It is tired of the bed, so it gives me a headache, a back ache and insists that I am hungry… in that order. Now that I have sat up I am not hungry, the back pain is no where to be felt, and the headache has been transformed into a weird pressure in my ears. Who knew that you can hurt from being in bed too much? I remember when I was about 11 or 12, I could sleep for 32hours straight if I was allowed to.

I read about how most people struggle to get more hours in their day to do more things, I just want the day to end, I want to sleep again.

I sleep 10 hours a day. Beat that!

But I don’t feel any more rested or ready for the day.

I think its counterproductive. My shoulders are permanently slouched forward no matter how much yoga I do, feels like I have a big rubber band around me, you know like those real thick ones they have at serious offices that are full of paper work.

I tell myself that it is just a phase and it will pass and be patient with it and treat yourself kindly… yeah kindly to more sleep, more food and more couch days slipping in and out of facebook and Don’t Starve Beta, seeing who has joined my virtual world full of resources, a short winter and silk spiders to spare.

Who cares… today sucked, ill make tomorrow better. Is this it? Is this really me when I am left alone to do what ever I want?

I know the things I like doing and they are beautiful engaging ones, but I don’t feel like doing any, a little voice… no a real loud voice puts me off every time and this is how it sneaks upon me.

I usually get out the guitar and start tuning it and it will yell at me: “YOU SUCK AT PLAYING… you can only play chords and a single strum pattern and even though most of the times you sing in tune your voice doesn’t sound nice” well its mostly right I have heard my voice in recording and I don’t like it much but its ok its for me… “THEN IT IS A WASTE OF TIME, you need to be doing things that will help build your near future, you need an income and this wont be it!” ok so I sit at the sewing machine and continue to make that toile of a jumpsuit from Burda Style that has taking me almost 2 months to complete. “This isn’t it either, takes to long, you can’t sew, and don’t even think of grabbing a pencil because your sketches are lame, they don’t have any particular style that is consistent and you are out of practice anyway.”

So ill sit and continue to surf Medium and all the lovely life inspiring articles like the one on living your day as you want to ideally “Tell me what you did today and I’ll tell you who you are”, I kind of don’t need you to, I am a total slob right now but ok.

Well half my day has gone to shit!

It is already 12:46 and I am still wearing my pyjamas, still I will get off my bed, climb down and wash teeth and face, drink 2 glasses of water and go sit on my yoga mat… wish this had started at 6am, then do the Subagh Kriya followed by half an hour of Kirtan Kriya meditation, mind you the day before yesterday I did 1 hours, ha! And then think about food, I will juice and not be hungry. And after that I really don’t know. I want something bigger than me to drive my day, like a job. This morning I had a small talk with myself and I discovered I really don’t want a job. I am scared I will be incompetent at it and may be I will not like it, but when I get past that and push another excuse is that I don’t have papers to do jobs that I would like to do, and by that I mean legal papers, I just came back from living in UAE, and now I have been in Rome for 2 months going from bed to couch every day. Out only for groceries. And yesterday I attended a Social Media Marketing seminar in Italian, it was brilliant but I was to shy to stay and say anything to anyone. Italians are intimidating to me. Its just that right now I can’t, I just can’t be social. I don’t want to bring people down with my ever following gloom cloud. I am an introvert and at the same time I am the best and one-on-one. I don’t have a problem in relationships, I have am amazing Italian boyfriend who does what he is really good at and he likes it. Why can I not do that?! At the moment I really don’t know what I like anymore or where I want to go.

So how much time do I give it? I know the mood will pass, and I am… ok I am not giving it my all to make it pass… I will get of the bed now and go start my day as the article says, who cares if it is already past midday! I love breakfast!