Exhibit of Revision Process
With my first essay “The Longevity of a Temporary Matter”, I made several changes. First I posted it as a medium article instead of a word document. I added pictures and a subtitle in which I referenced the author. I provided more evidence for why Shukumar’s point of view leads readers to believe the marriage may be salvageable. I added, “Another item that triggers Shukumar’s memories would be food. As Shukumar prepares their meals, a huge part of Indian culture, he remembers how Shoba used to take so much pride in her dishes: “Shoba would throw together meals that appeared to have taken half a day to prepare, from things she had frozen and bottled, not cheap things in tins but peppers she had marinated herself with rosemary, and chutneys that she cooked on Sundays, stirring boiling pots of tomatoes and prunes”. Next I fixed grammar errors and incorrect punctuation. After that I added a better explanation as to what the game they were playing was. Instead of just saying “When the lights were off the couple had a chance to reconcile their marital issues and reconnect. The game became a time for them both to confess their guilt that had been weighing them down.”, I replaced that with, “The duo is forced to communicate when they get receive the notice that “for five days their electricity would be cut off for one hour, beginning at eight P.M.”. When they sit down for dinner together, forced to communicate for the first time in a long time, Shoba has an idea. When the power would go out while visiting relatives in India, Shoba’s family would share jokes or poems. Shoba suggests to Shukumar that they tell each other secrets in the dark and soon the secret-sharing becomes an anticipated game for the both of them each night”. After that I rearranged some sentences that needed to be mentioned earlier. Lastly, I added more sentences that related to story to identity. In the introduction I added “As their marriage deteriorated after the death of their child Shukumar and Shoba lose their identity as a couple when they grieve as individuals. They begin acting as individuals and eventually grow to be their own separate individuals who eventually make their own decisions.” and in the seventh paragraph I added “ With Shoba being away at work all the time, Shukumar feels no motivation to leave the house or to even take care of himself. Like his relationship, Shukumar has changed. His identity has evolved”.
In my second essay I started my revisions by changing the title from “Herschel Walker — The UGA Hero” to “Herschel Walker a Hero and a Monster” because I feel that it better represents the effects of his Dissociative identity disorder. He was a model citizen until his other personality took over. I also added more detail to this essay. For example, in the sentence “Number 16, Sophomore Carnie Norris, starting tailback, was in the game” by adding Carnie Norris’s number, readers are more informed about the player. In my original draft, I had made the mistake of adding a picture from the wrong game, so I changed that to the correct picture. I also had several grammar errors in my first draft. For example, I had written the title of Walker’s book in quotations when it should have been italics, I misspelled recurring as “reoccuring”, etc.. Next I added more about dissociative identity disorder including quotes. I added “Herschel shared with ABC News, “I told somebody once, ‘You don’t want the Herschel that plays football … babysitting your child, when I am competing, I am a totally different person.’” I also added “ “I had it the whole time, I just didn’t know what it was,” Walker said.”. And to help readers better understand what the disease is I wrote, “DID is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. DID cannot be cured, but treatment may help and it can last for years or be lifelong”. By adding that definition readers better understand what it is that Walker faces every day of his life. I feel that these changes have strengthened my essays and my portfolio as a whole. It is important to revise essays several times because each time I find a new way to make my writing better.