The Parenthood Paradigm Shift: Understanding What a Change in Career Success Means
My definition of success changed when I had kids.
True, but what exactly does that mean?
Before I had kids, I thought that I was on the path to set myself up for a long career in a stable company. I believed that by building my reputation at my job for a decade, I was living my definition of success. It was all wrapped up and ready for me to add kids into the mix and keep cruising along.
Parenthood threw a wrench in that neatly ordered machine. My once-rigid definition of success twisted into something messier, but more meaningful. I had really high expectations for myself in being a full time employee and a full time dad.
To understand exactly what shifted, I learned about the PERMA model for success developed by Dr. Marty Seligman. PERMA stands for Positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. Each one of these components contributes to a person’s overall feeling of success.
Here’s where that wrench comes in again. Three weeks after my first paternity leave, I quit. My job lacked two key elements I hadn’t even realized I craved: purpose (caring about the company’s mission) and influence (believing my work made a difference). It wasn’t so much that my definition of success changed, but that I gained a new perspective on what its elements meant to me. I needed more engagement and meaning in my life. And accomplishment? Doing well at work was a small slice of the pie now, while being a good dad instantly surpassed that. I needed to be able to set boundaries to make sure that I could meet my new definition of success.
So, how do we navigate this career crossroads, this reshuffling of priorities? How do we find work that sparks joy, nourishes our souls, and makes us proud — as parents and professionals? PERMA can help us understand how becoming a parent has changed each of the components of success.
Positive emotion: Seek work that ignites your inner child, that lets you laugh, learn, and create alongside others. Remember, a happy parent is a thriving family, and that energy ripples outward.
Engagement: Find work that sparks intellectual curiosity. That challenges you to grow and learn. Maybe outside the conventional career ladder or the area you have been in before. Make sure that your work has an influence so you feel like it was a worthwhile use of your time.
Relationships: Your relationships have a new outlook to them. Prioritize work that fosters meaningful connections, both within your team and with those you serve. Look for environments that value your unique skills and identity as a parent. Remember, your work life feeds into your family life, and strong, positive relationships fuel both.
Meaning: Seek work that aligns with your values, that allows you to contribute to something bigger than yourself. You have little ones watching everything you do. Show them that you are spending your time and energy to make the world a better place. Remember, when your work aligns with your core values, it fills you with a deeper sense of purpose, both at work and at home.
Accomplishment: Work is not the only place you judge your accomplishments anymore. Recognize that nurturing a healthy family and achieving balance is a challenge as well. The goals may be more broad than the heights of your career; they might be getting everyone to the breakfast table sometimes.
Finding your new definition of success as a parent isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula. It’s an exploration, a journey of discovery. Embrace the flexibility, prioritize your well-being, and don’t be afraid to get messy. Remember, the most fulfilling careers are often the ones that allow us to be our best selves, both at work and at home. When you’re a parent, being your best self means embracing the joy and the chaos. The unique, beautiful definition of success changes with the introduction of tiny humans.
That is totally normal. We can’t predict how we will change when we become parents. What new challenges will arise, what parts of our own self-awareness will be awakened.
Your children are watching, and they’re learning from your journey. They won’t remember much about these years except how you made them feel. Make sure that you come home from work energized, present, and ready to tackle all the crazy situations being a parent entails. Really embracing a new definition of success is crucial to feeling that way and building a lasting connection.