Hey, so, it’s been awhile.
I moved home a little over a month ago and I will not lie to you, it has been very, very, very hard. Living with your parents when you’ve been half a continent away for the last three and a half years is quite an adjustment, just to start.
When I decided to come home, my dad advised me to take this time to figure out exactly what I want to do with my life, work some jobs that keep me employed, and discover my passion. Easier said than done, right?
I’ve been serving and bartending at a small establishment in Amarillo for the last month or so, and it’s been good, mostly. I like the service industry — you can’t do this job because you hate it, but I know that it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have an interview for a position at another bar and restaurant this afternoon, and will hopefully get a second job within the next couple of weeks. This lazing around is driving me bonkers, but I don’t know what else to do with my time. I work 25–30 hours a week, which is barely enough for me to feel like I’m doing anything at all.
But right now, my coworkers keep asking me if I’m in school. They are shocked that I graduated four years ago and am doing this. Same, y’all: I do it because it’s a job, so I’m employed, and I make some money.
It’s not what I want to be doing or need to be doing — I don’t feel passion placing orders or putting together cocktails. I don’t. It’s not what I’m meant to be doing. But I’m pretty good at it, so I’ll continue until I figure the rest out.
And though I’m happier than I was before, I’m still not happy to wake up in the morning and get out of bed and do things, though I have a support system, which is more than I had in Chicago.
Every day is a struggle, but I know — even if I can’t see it yet —that there is a light at the end of this dark, disgusting tunnel.
I have the hardest time reconciling this version of myself with who I always thought I’d be. I just think about all of the dreams and everything that I had when I was younger, and I have none of them now. I don’t have any goals, because I don’t know what I want out of life.
Ambition is a hell of a thing, and when you’re an ambitious person with no goals, it is the hardest thing get up in the morning, to look at yourself in the mirror, and not hate what you’ve become.
But I’m trying.