what i learned from watching all 9 collections of forensic files on netflix


the nevers

never become a runner (you will either find a body or become one)
never have a neighbor
never be a neighbor
never be the only employee at a business that is open late at night
never live alone
never live with roommates
never be single woman
never go on dates
never turn down dates
never cheat
never get cheated on (you will be an automatic suspect)
never get married
never get divorced
never date someone who has been divorced
never make any money
never lie about the money you have
never lie about the money you don’t have
never make frequent phone calls to the same number
never go to a bathroom, basement, or alley alone
never give or accept rides from strangers, even ones that look genial
never go with a hippie to a second location (i learned that one from 30 rock but it still stands)
never let someone take a life insurance policy out on you
if someone has already done that: never let them increase that life insurance policy
never buy knives
never buy guns
never buy ropes
never buy zip ties
never loan anyone money
never get a loan from anyone
never get on a boat
never stand at the top of stairs
never have an evil maternal relative (that mitochondrial DNA will get you EVERY TIME)

the alwayses

always go to the dentist frequently
always make sure to leave a mark wherever you go
always give someone detailed information of where you’re going
always make sure someone knows what you are wearing on a given day (#ootd isn’t so funny anymore, is it?)
always make sure people know what your pets look like
always keep a detailed diary of what you are doing (but not TOO detailed bc you look like a suspect)
always keep some of your DNA hidden in your home so it can be compared to something even if a murderer cleans your home after murdering you — dirty laundry works perfect for this, MOM.
always have an updated will, and if you cut someone out of your will, DON’T LET THEM KNOW THAT until you can get copies of said updated will to an attorney or safe deposit box
always watch your food and drinks — if your partner doesn’t eat or drink from the same servings as you, THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU
always conduct at least three background checks on someone you agree to go on a date with
always run any medications you take through a mass spectrometer to make sure you aren’t getting poisoned
always take some of your things with you, things that only you could have
always take exotic vacations WITH your pregnant wife, not suspiciously without her
always watch old episodes of forensic files and and other true crime shows so you know what to do should you not follow my other suggestions

okay i’m getting super spooked thinking about this, so i’m going to stop nd go back to watching super happy parks and rec plz send pictures of puppies or like, faceswaps of your identical twin aunts, thanks

like this one of me and bear which i love for reasons i cannot articulate
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