Mother
A drunk person’s 4 am rant
From the moment I came crashing into this world, screaming, it was too much. You already didn’t want me.
I was too much. Too loud. Too much responsibility. Nothing could prepare you for who I would turn out to be.
See I’ve learned that through all the pain in the world we face, we’ll always blame ourselves. I always felt I was never good enough for you but that’s so far from the truth. You were the one not good.
I’m a fucking legend. I’m here drunk as hell while you’re off being an unfit parent. You could never handle me.
Though I wish I could say “you were right to leave, I was a demon child,” bitch, that’s nowhere near what is true. I am an angel. A saint. I could make you laugh till you cried. And I never cried nor complained. I was easy going and forgiving. Accepting and selfless. I was always here, waiting for you to accept me so I could forgive you so easily. As I do with everyone. I was never given that opportunity. See, I spit fire in the moment. I get angry. But slowly, I melt and I want nothing more than to fix us, to fix me. Nothing hurts so much than to feel so unwanted by the person who brought you into the world. By the one person who’s known you since your first breath. See, nothings been the same since you left. I think you leaving broke my heart and took the color out of my world. I’m colorblind to this day. Green and red don’t appear to me so I tell myself your eyes must’ve been green and your hair isn’t any color but rustic auburn. You stole the color from my world. You sucked the heart out of my chest and left me hallow, wanting something to fix what’s left. I drown myself in silence. And I draw what I believe to be your face. I keep searching for something, anything to take the pain away. See I never went through with killing myself because I became murderous filagree. I wanted you to see that you missed out on me. You weren’t there for my first steps. I fell and picked myself up on my own. You weren’t there for my first words. l said “daddy do” not mama. That word didn’t enter my vocabulary till pre k and I came home not understanding what it meant and once I grasped the definition I’d cry for god to take the pain away. But he never answered. He never delivered you to me. He just ignored my calls and proceeded on with the world he wrapped in cold.
