I want to open up, to tell this deaf world, how hard it is to me to be imprisonned in a colorless box I made myself, inside a sort of a shapeless case that is locked firmly from both outside and inside.
It all started 2 years ago, although I wasn’t aware of where I was leading myself to; I kept being distant from everything, I lived alone I tightened my circle of friends and acquaintances, I stoped talking to family often, I wasn’t replying to my inbox nor opening it. In brief, I surrounded myself with nothingness and nobody.
It may look like a selfish act, but I was just out from a broken long friendship that made me decide to put an end to every humanly relationship I might ever have the chance to get in the future, in order to avoid being severely or slightly heartbroken.
Relationships in general were frightening because of the usual process of parting ways at the end.
I might as well have chosen this banishment because I didn’t feel that I was congratulated enough for having obtained my license from university, which was an achievement I was waiting for.
Consequently, my self-esteem, pride and worthiness dropped to the lowest levels ever. I felt not needed nor celebrated nor loved nor worthy of anything valuable.
So, closing windows and doors were the very natural outcome of what I went through.
Coming back to my damaged insides, lifeless brain and emotionless heart, I do understand the working of my defense system, I have fully discovered how unaligned it must be for my uncousciousness to wallow for over two years now and still not be able to puzzle out the situation.
I was devoured by loneliness I deliberately opted, soon later, the loneliness became dispiritedness and depressiveness that I am trying aimlessly to fight .