Become a better communicator in under 2 minutes
With advice from animal experts…

I read somewhere that animal communication is apparently inferior to human language and immediately could smell a rat... Must be a conspiracy to hide something insightful, I figured. So I decided to uncover the truth and checked into a local farm for a week of intensive language learning. My teachers ranged from rats to whale (yes, there was a whale on the farm, on a foreign exchange year — he swapped places with a cow, I wonder how she’s getting on in the Pacific…)
Anyway, after a week of full cultural immersion I learnt a bunch of phrases which pretty much express the full range of anything I’d ever like to communicate to anyone and in a much simpler way. (So yes, it WAS a conspiracy preventing us from learning the true simplicity of communication.) Here’s how the clever species do it:
It’s always someone’s birthday.
So, “Happy bird-day!!”

(or as the pigs say on their annual bath day, “Happy bath-day”…)
“Thank you!!”
“You’re whalecome…”

Another bad year? “Oh whale…”

“Is it even possible?”
“Yes of horse!!”

Sick again? “Get whale soon!”
I send you “a pig pig hug!”

Lost 2 bucks in a slot machine? Don’t worry,

Won 2 bucks in a slot machine? “Cong-rats!”

Friend won a million bucks in a slot machine? Tell them how much you love them!!

And here’re some combinations which show off the full expressive range of this language:
“Good night! Sheep whale!”
“Fishing you a goat day!”
“Goat to hear you’re whale!”
Cong-rats! You’ve just become a much better communicator in under 2 minutes!
You’re whalecome! Goat day!
I’m going back to the farm for the summer poetry course.
