An Apology To My Boyfriend: Sorry You Have To Suffer For Them

When you touch me, I feel your love and I feel their intentions.

When you say you love me, I hear your truth and I hear their lies.

When you walk out the door, I know you’ll come back but I know they didn’t.

Everything they left me with, I see in your eyes when you have your sunglasses on.

But when you take them off and I really look into your eyes, I don’t see any of it.

“But he’s different from the other guys” said every girl right before they got their heart torn out their chest and left in the dirt naked, vulnerable, and crying.

Those words are scary and I don’t want to say them… but I know your different.

I’m sorry that sometimes I treat you like your not.

I just get so angry sometimes

That your kind left me with this sexuality and guilt.

Sometimes I crave to be treated like an object because that’s how I learned to be loved from the beginning of love.

But you treat me like a human.

And sometimes I think that means you don’t love me.

But that’s ridiculous!

But your kind conditioned me into this overly sexual creature from a child.

And now I’m left with the guilt and shame of it.

I want to be proud of my sexuality, but I’m conflicted.

All I want is to be touched, but don’t always know if that’s because I’m a sexual human that has cravings or because that is when I feel the most wanted and needed and loved and worth something.

And you guys.

You have it so easy, you put it anywhere you want and there’s nothing wrong with you because that’s what boys do.

If you got caught messing around with a girl at the age of 13, that’s normal because your a boy.

But when I get caught, it’s because I must have been sexually abused.

But they were right.

My peddles were plucked from a young age.

And I was taught to feel guilty for it, and for the sexuality I got from it.

And now I’m an adult in a healthy relationship.

Still feeling guilty, dirty, not normal.

I’m sorry that I remind you that your one of them all the time.

Because your not.