Suicide is not a choice

The first time I tried to kill myself I remember everyone saying “Why would you choose that? You have so much more to live for”

At the time, in my dark and desolate world I really thought I was beyond selfish for “choosing” to end my life. The pangs of guilt replaced my self-loathing attitude and I just wanted to die, not because of my depression this time, but because of the guilt loved ones burdened me with.

The second time I sat in the bathroom readying myself for my impending self inflicted death and I could picture my loved ones yelling at my lifeless body:

Why did you choose this?

The guilt I felt from my botched first attempt came flooding back like roaring waters set free from a dam. It was enough to stop me that time, but I was more curious as to instead of asking me “Why I was sad?” Or “What was making me so unhappy?” Everyone threw the “choice” word at me, making my suicidal attempt MY FAULT.

Then when other persons died from suicide I saw the same reactions, an appalled audience and string of comments asking why they chose to end their life.

It bothered to the point that I am now writing about it. Suicide is not a choice!

The word choice, means to make a decision between two or more possibilities. In the mornings when you wake up you can have coffee or tea, that is a choice. When getting ready you can wear that white top or the blue one, that is a choice. But suicide is not so simple.

When one becomes suicidal there is no alternative only the one answer that stares you right in the face. Moreover it’s never to live or to die, it’s how to stop the agony, it’s how to make the bad feelings go away for good. You think and think and think and finally that word creeps into your mind.

No one wants to die, if given the “choice” to live or die even the most suicidal will be attracted to living, it’s who we are. But no one wants to suffer either and so when faced with a life cursed with suffering there is only one answer.

And when you only see one reliable answer there is no other option, hence suicide is not a choice. Suicide is not the fault of the victim either, if someone firmly believes that ending their life is more fruitful than waking up tomorrow isn’t it fair to say that their perception has been so obscured by suffering that they have fallen prey to suicide.

That’s right, I see suicide more as a predator than a offense. Suicide lurks in the dark like a lion awaiting it’s meal, and when it gets its teeth into you there is no letting go, it’s there for the kill.

So you see suicide is not a choice, I was it’s victim, still am it’s victim, but now I know what I’m fighting against, so I can be prepared for the next attack.

Please anyone who has died from suicide is a victim, they did not choose to hurt you, they did not choose to die. They simply only saw one answer. So forgive them, forgive those who have left us, forgive those who have us mourning, forgive them and forgive yourself for saying they “chose” this.

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