A New Vagina
A story by A.G. Dumas
It was so hot at the lawn-and-pool party for Tommy Tuttle’s 40th
birthday that the hired bartenders unsnapped their black bow ties
and opened their starched collars. Finally, they cut bar towels into
strips and used them for headbands to keep perspiration from dripping
into the mixed drinks. Leslie O’Hern and her companion showed up after
a while to some looks and whispers. There were enough people there to
make their presence nothing more than a momentary distraction for most.
Robert Alvino, however, monitored their every move from under a
mimosa tree across the large yard.
They ordered vodkas with lime and tried to join in the mingling. Leslie
smiled nervously as she introduced her friend to some of the old crowd.
A few were coolish, as was to be expected. After all, she had dropped
out of sight for more than a year without any explanation, had gained 20
pounds, and completely changed her looks. The natural blonde hair, once
a curly mane, had been chopped into a Dutch boy. Gone, too, was the
make-up: her blue eyes appeared more sunken and less noticeable, and
without polish, her lips lacked definition and appeared thinner.
Some of nature’s gifts were harder to neuter. The added bulk had
succeeded in making her lovely breasts even fuller. The man’s button-down
shirt she was wearing clung to them in the heat and humidity. Her thighs
(albeit rounder) were still quite shapely — even under the baggy khaki
shorts she was wearing. And her swimmer’s legs were still firm and
Leslie’s companion, a tall woman, was a few years older — probably in
her late 30s — and plain without trying. She was much taller and
considerably leaner than Leslie, with broad shoulders, small breasts and
narrow hips. Her long legs were slightly bowed and extremely muscular in the
calf. Her dark hair was short and in a nice bob. Her skin wasn’t as smooth
as Leslie’s, but her face stood with its sharp, angular jaw. The rumor was
that she played basketball in college and had a brief stint in a pro league
in Europe. He heard she was a lawyer with some money, but still looked
very much the jock. Somebody said that she knew Martina Navratilova.
Eyes finally met and waves were exchanged. The glance-and-quickly-
turn-away game had continued until the women got so close that Robert
could no longer pretend that he was so preoccupied that he didn’t see
them. He excused himself from the group under the mimosas and
approached the women.
Robert and Leslie greeted each other with a hug and a single kiss to the
lips. “Good to see you, Les,” he said, smiling. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
The hair looks good short.
“You look good!”
You lying bastard, she thought. Nonetheless, she was happy with the
warm reception. “You look good, too,” she said. “Fatherhood must agree
with you. Where’s Bonnie?”
“We’re separated,” he replied. You knew that you bitch, he thought. The
smile, however, never left his face. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said,
feigning surprise. “How’s the baby doing?”
“Fine, fine,” he replied. “Getting real big. I see her every week. She’s
too young to understand, of course, so everything’s pretty cool.”
“Good, good,” Leslie said. She turned to her companion. “I’m sorry,
Patsy…but you remember Robert, don’t you?
Robert Alvino, Patsy Snead.”
“I think we met a year or so ago,” Patsy said, keeping things chatty and
light. They were never formally introduced; they had only seen each other
from a distance in a restaurant when Robert and Leslie ran into each other.
Robert went along. “Nice to see you again,” he said, taking her hand
and squeezing it firmly. She had a strong grip. He was taller and broader
than she remembered. He had a nice tan, and his eyes were more green
than brown. They twinkled when he spoke. She liked his smile.
Robert was extremely pleasant and guided the conversation, so the
meeting wasn’t awkward in the least. They talked jobs and the like but, as
he suspected, the hot button was sports. As they spoke, Patsy quietly
admired him in his tank top and swimsuit. The few flecks of gray enhanced
his good looks. She felt much better about being there now.
Leslie and Robert hadn’t slept together in nearly three years, and had
been out of touch during that time, aside from the chance restaurant
encounter a year earlier. He was angry about the way she abruptly ended
their affair, but being married at the time left him in no position to make a
big stink. He quickly moved on to a female teaching assistant at the local
college where he taught. Robert was always fucking somebody other than
Leslie never truly got over him, despite the fact that she knew in her
heart it never would have been anything more than a fling to him. She
had immersed herself in their intense lovemaking and had fallen deeply
in love with a man for the first time in her life. She had had an abortion
at his pleading because she believed him when he told her that the time
wasn’t right for them. When he left his wife it would be their time. He did
eventually leave his wife, but for a young, college chippy. He was a lying
bastard, she thought, but she still became excited when she thought about
their lovemaking. She had never been with another man. “Do you ever
go back to the old inn?” she asked, referring to the bar where they met.
“Those were good times, weren’t they?”
“I honestly can’t remember the last time I was in there,” he replied. “I
heard you moved.”
“Yeah, I have a nice condo down in Oceanside,” Leslie said. She
glanced at Patsy and then added, “ We have a nice condo.”
He had heard that they were living together and that this party was a
sort of coming out for them, although he rationalized that it wasn’t really
unusual for single women — or men, for that matter — to live together. Still,
he tried not thinking of them sleeping together.
He continued to keep the conversation light and breezy. “This party
was a great idea, wasn’t it? Old Tommy was a party animal, so leave it to
him to get the old crowd back together.” In time, Robert held up his empty
beer bottle. “I’m empty. Who needs drinks?”
“Vodka and soda with a lime, please,” Patsy said. “Me, too,” Leslie
added. “But make mine a double.”
As he strode off, they admired his square shoulders shifting alternately.
Leslie remembered how she used to grab on to those shoulders and
melt into oblivion when they made love.
“Hello out there!” Patsy said, breaking Leslie’s stare. “You’re still a
little stuck on him, aren’t you?”
“No fucking way!” Leslie exclaimed.
“He seems like a nice enough guy.”
“He is. He is. He’s big, sexy and charming, but he’s still a bastard,”
“He’s taller than I remember,” Patsy noted.
“You ready to start a fan club for him?” Leslie asked, slightly irritated.
“Oh, come on, kiddo. You all right?”
“I’m fine. I just didn’t realize that you were still into guys. I mean, after
all you’ve been through!” Leslie said, becoming upset.
“Oh, kiddo, please relax! I just happened to remark that he’s bigger
than I remember that time I saw him. That’s all.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”
“So, you do all right?” Patsy asked.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s good to see him again. It helps.”
“Maybe you should slow down a little,” Patsy suggested. “It’s hot and
you’re sucking those drinks down fast.”
“Don’t worry about me so much,” Leslie said.
“Okay, but you’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. So chill, will you?”
“All right. I just want to know that you’re okay.”
Robert and Patsy discovered they had common friends through
tennis. He taught history at the college, but was also the assis-
tant tennis coach. Several acquaintances of hers had taken lessons from him.
“I understand you played in California,” she said. “That’s
right,” he said. “At Stanford.”
“McEnroe went there, didn’t he?” she asked.
“Yeah. He was there after I left. My claim to fame is that we had the
“Still, you must’ve been pretty good,” she said.
“I can still hold my own.”
“Why didn’t you pursue it?” she asked.
“I wasn’t prepared to devote my life to the game. You know, it’s an all-
or-nothing situation if you want to play sports on a professional level.”
“Tell me about it,” she replied. Leslie cut in. “Remember when you
tried teaching me tennis?” she asked.
“Who could ever forget that!” Robert replied, laughing. “You hit about
a dozen balls over the fence during the first lesson.”
“Yeah, that was pretty funny, wasn’t it?” Leslie agreed, disheartened.
Later in the afternoon, when a water polo game is suggested by some
people in the pool, Robert is chosen as one of the captains. He picked
Patsy first, who in her candy-striped one-piece, cut a tall, lean figure.
Leslie, too drunk to join in, watched from a lounge chair as Robert and
Patsy dominated the match with their superior athleticism and teamwork.
Afterward, as the team celebrated, Leslie forced a drunken smile as she
listened. Inside, she was hurting more than ever.
“I was a convenient fuck, wasn’t I”? she says to herself. “I wasn’t
above letting you rip off my underwear in parking lots at night and fuck-
ing me on the hood of your car, or letting you in at three in the morning
after you’d been out drinking with the boys. And I was always good for
a quickie before tennis matches on Sunday morning. I was on the way,
Leslie had been crazy about him, but hated keeping it secret. But she
had been whipped. Nobody that handsome had ever paid attention to her.
She wanted to be able to show him off, but she figured in time, if he left
his wife, then maybe she’d get her chance.
She did her best to keep him interested. She grew her hair out and
began wearing make-up for the first time. Her girlish looks became mod-
estly stunning. She went through a brief period of guilt because she knew
Robert’s wife, Bonnie. But she had become obsessed with Robert.
The affair wore her down emotionally. After making love in her apart-
ment, Robert would shower, dress, and exit. She would lie on her bed,
praying for his return. When she heard his car start and drive off, she
would cry herself into hysteria. One night, when she was particularly
drunk and getting fed up with his hit-and-run routine, she went crazy on
him and he left in a huff.
Leslie stayed in bed for two entire days when she found out
Robert’s wife Bonnie was pregnant again. She began turning Robert
away after that. The last time, he was drunk and woke her up at three in
the morning. Her talked her out to the porch of her apartment house and
coaxed her down into the shrubbery. She gave him oral sex to keep him
quiet. After that, she had a girlfriend move in to keep him away. Through
that friend, she met Patsy.
Robert was walking down the driveway at Tuttle’s house when a
voice came from behind: “Robert, is that you?” It was Patsy.
“I’m glad I caught you,” she said, running down the drive behind him.
“You’re leaving without saying good-bye?” It was dark, but the party was
still going on in the backyard.
“No, not at all,” Robert lied. “I was just taking a break. Was thinking of
heading to the store.”
“Too bad about poor Les, huh?” she said.
“Yeah, how is she?” he asked. “She could never really hold her liquor.”
“She’s upstairs in the guest bedroom,” Patsy added. “Nothing that a
long sleep won’t cure. I’d hate to be her in the morning, though.”
“I hear you,” he replied.
There was a silence, and then Patsy spoke up. “Do you mind if I come
for a ride with you? I was going to head out and go back to the condo, but
I might crash here tonight since Les and I came in one car.”
“Sure,” he said. “Let’s take a ride.” Robert discovered that his car was
blocked in at the end of the driveway. “Shit, I can’t get out.”
“Not to worry,” Patsy said. “I’m on the street.” Her car, a black BMW
coupe, glistened in the dimness of the street light.
“Nice car,” he said. “Very nice.”
“You drive,” she said, tossing him the keys.
“They got in and he started it up. “Very, very nice,” he continued.
“Had it long?”
“I have a year left on the payments.”
“Still humid as hell, isn’t it,” he said. “Do we want to put the air on?”
“Let’s drive with the windows open.”
They drove for several miles without saying much. “So you and Les
have a condo together, huh?” he finally asked, breaking the lull.
“Yeah, it’s my place, and she moved in about a year ago. I think she’ll
be getting her own place one of these days.”
“Not working out?” he pried.
“Let’s say we’ve got issues we’ve been dealing with, and we’re coming
down on different sides,” Patsy replied.
He wasn’t quite sure what she meant, but added, “Well Leslie was
always a sweet kid, but I knew she had some problems.”
“I suppose, but don’t we all have problems,” Patsy said, quickly
coming to her defense. “She still talks about the
problems that you created for her.”
“Whoa!” he said, embarrassed that she brought it up. “We’re way past
the statute of limitations on that,” he said, trying to come back.
Patsy laughed. “Hey, who’s the lawyer here, anyway?”
That eased the momentary tension. She ended it by saying, “Okay, let’s
not talk about Les anymore. Let’s talk about us.”
“You’re on!” he said, highly relieved. He pulled into a 7-Eleven and
parked at the far end of the lot. “Nobody’ll put a scratch on the door out
here,” he said. “I’m getting a pack of smokes. Want anything?
“You smoke, huh?”
“Not really, but when I drink I like a couple.”
“Get some gum, too, okay?”
Patsy wondered if this was her opportunity. Robert knew this was his
opportunity: he bought a pack of condoms because his were in the glove
compartment of his car back in the driveway.
When he returned, he tossed her the pack of gum. “Double-bubble,
sugarless,” he said.
He lit up, and they sat and talked.
“I’m really starting to feel it now,” Patsy remarked.
“No, just heady. But a good head.”
“Good,” he said
“Think we should get back?” she asked, coyly.
“Yeah, but there’s no rush, is there?”
“Not at all.”
She put her feet up on the dashboard. They were big as far as women’s
feet go, but were nicely formed and athletic-looking. She was wearing
short-shorts that revealed the full length of her legs right up to her crotch.
She stretched her arms back over her head. Her small but ample breasts
pushed through her tee-shirt. She pulled her long legs back to her seat and let
them flop to the sides. Her left knee came to rest against his arm that was
lying on the arm-rest.
“Oh, sorry,” she said, coyly.
“Anytime,” he said, moving closer and rubbing her leg in a friendly
way. “Damn, lady, you have long legs!”
She laughed. “God, I was so embarrassed of them in high school. They
were like sticks!”
Robert squeezed the inside of her leg, a bit more friendly now. Patsy
spread her legs wider. “Feel like a smoke?” he asked.
“I’ll share some of yours,” she said, turning toward him.
He reached over and placed it between her lips. As she dragged in, his
hand moved closer to her crotch. He worked it under the shorts. She was
wearing no undies. He began fingering her vagina and clitoris.
Patsy tossed the cigarette out the window. She sat frozen for a moment
as Robert continued getting into it and moving closer. She waited for him
to say something. “Oooh, it’s nice,” he whispered in her ear.
She was elated. She melted into his embrace. It was her first time with
a man since the operation, and it was sensitive and working just the way
the doctors had assured the former Patrick Snead that it would.