“are you lonely?” 

I stumbled upon an article the other day entitled “24 dates to take yourself on” and clicked on it despite my general annoyance at articles that try and convince single people to “just be in a relationship with yourself”. I do agree with the underlying “it is okay to do stuff alone” mentality.

Going to a movie or a bar, a museum or aquarium, by yourself can be fun. You don’t have to wonder if there is popcorn stuck between every single one of your teeth or feel bad about taking a long time reading the plaques, and there is no need to wonder if maybe you should make an intelligent comment on the artist’s perspective, or if the observation you ended up sharing made you sound like a total idiot. I like putting on my Saints shirt and going to a bar down the street to cheer, with some game to focus on being alone is not even that uncomfortable. But I avoided going out to eat by myself for a few weeks -until I had just about had it with eggs for dinner.

The first time I ate at a restaurant by myself I sat down tentatively, fiddling with my ring and pretending to be completely absorbed with the menu, which I was very pleased to see had lots of things other then grilled cheese and eggs-over-easy on toast. But at a place where everyone else was with someone, I was acutely aware of the waiter as he removed the place setting from the other side of the table. Maybe if I pretended I was texting or on the phone they would think I was meeting someone?! But then no one would come and they would think I got stood up. Awkward. I gave myself a mini pep talk something along the lines of: you here alone and you are going to deal with it, put your napkin on your lap, ask for a refill, and sit in a restaurant and eat by yourself without refreshing Instagram or playing Candy Crush, and if that makes you stress sweat or eat two full bread baskets by yourself, so be it.

After a full year at Dartmouth I wanted a change of pace; I didn’t think it would be easy, but I wanted to be alone. I grew up spending summer days up in trees reading books, never felt uncomfortable sitting at a table by myself. I’ve always found alone time to be refreshing. And I have certainly found space and solitude here, though it has been a totally different level then an afternoon hiding half-way up a sugar maple. Coming from a solid year on campus, living with friends, taking classes, rowing — it was rare that I was ever in a room by myself, impossible that a day would pass without talking to anyone. I never had to eat alone, but that doesn’t mean I never felt lonely — I absolutely did, it just didn’t make sense because by all accounts I was constantly surrounded by wonderful people more than willing to sit with me for a marathon dining hall dinner.

Since I’ve been in New Orleans, when I talk to people on the phone they will generally ask, at some point during the conversation,

“are you lonely?”

The answer depends on the day, but unlike when I am at Dartmouth, people ask this question and expect the answer to be yes, which almost makes lonely an easier feeling. I mean it makes sense here, and I’m not embarrassed to admit:

yes. sometimes I am lonely.

But about 5 minutes of people watching into my first solo dinner date, I realized that most people were too busy with their phones to talk to the person they were there with, much less notice me. They would glance up occasionally, sit for a few seconds watching their dinner partner absorbed by who knows what, and then remember they must have an e-mail to send or picture to upload or something. I understand the appeal of glancing down when a blind date goes bad or conversation lags- goodness knows I certainly do it — but take it from the girl sitting alone — no amount of new notifications is going to make you feel less lonely, though the person sitting across the table might if you can wait out the silence and leave the easy-out in your purse.