This time,exactly one year ago

I received an email from the person that I gave my heart to. The person that I was dreaming of having a family with.

And it begin with :

I hope I had explain everything in this very short confession. Please read with a sincere heart and deepest emotion.

which turns out to be a two pages of words, explaining how I don’t deserved someone like him. How I was dragging us both to hell by not being pious enough for him and I need someone better to lead me to the straight path.

Honestly, I was dumbfounded and numb after I read that email. As I was feeling a bit hurt the previous day due to his actions. Leaving me all alone to go to the airport while he went out with his friends instead of spending our last moment together (it’s a long distance relationship). To say that I was hurt due to that reason alone was a bit overreacting. The feeling was accumulated from the day we spend our time together after months of not seeing each other.

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I was not the type who would get into relationship just for fun. I spend most of my teen and adult years being single because I don’t want to be just someone else’s fling or puppy love. I am a hopeless romantic, I admit that. And I know that if I ever get involved, I will be the brokenhearted one.

He was someone that I knew from a friend of mine. He started his facade as a funny and sensitive guy, which I find cute at that time. Once, he get my number, he started flirting. And maybe my friend told him the type of girl I am. The kind that won’t get into a relationship if it was not serious. So he started talking about future. He starts to plan for our engagement and all. Planning the job replacement by moving into my town. And within a month, he told me that he already told his parents about the plan for our engagement party and they agree. So the plan now was, for him to come over to my town and meet my family to discuss further as we were planning to do it at my place. By then, I agreed to be his girlfriend.

My siblings said that I was moving too fast. That we shouldn't rush these things. I said I don’t mind if it’s real. And so far, he only shown me his good side, his sensitivity, his future planning that revolves around me up to the point he would sacrifice his current job to find a job nearer to me.

Then, within two months of being together in a long distance relationship, he quit his job. He keep complaining to me about his colleagues, his company. About how the pay was never enough and he keep doing all the works while the others just play around. He just started to show his true self by then. Badmouthing everyone in his life was just one of it. His own family members (the siblings, the mother especially), keep being the bad and inefficient human being in his life. How he dislike his work but had to take it because it is his field. Most of the time, I would stay silent and try to soothe his feelings. But time after time, I was feeling a bit annoyed by all the same complaints. So one day, he was complaining about his mom and his job. About how he hates his mom (up to the point making up bad stories about his mom), and how he doesn't even like what he do for work. I let him vent it out for a while. Then I asked him, if he would like to listen to my advice?

He went silent and then told me to go on. So I told him that, no matter how he hates his mom, it still is his mom. She doesn't even done anything to hurt him at all.( His hatred for his mom was due to her likes for gossiping around.) So I told him, talk to her in a kind manner or else just let her be. It’s not like she ever neglected her family for it. Then I asked him, why in the first place he took the field he is in now, (which is Human Resource) if he hates it so much? His answer was, to satisfy his father. So I told him my point of view, which is, if it was regarding your own future, do what you like especially for your job, something that you are going to spend all your life doing. And then, he told me this:

When a guy tell you his problem or share his stuff, you only need to listen. I’m not asking for solutions, just for you to listen.

Okay, maybe it was my fault and then again maybe it’s not. I may not be someone who really knows how relationships should work, but when I feel like I can help to ease some of the problem, I would do it. Day by day the same complaints, don’t you feel like cutting it off? And my mistake was, I told him i was sorry for trying to interrupt his talk. And I keep saying sorry for things that are not my fault. And I started to repressed my own thoughts and feelings just to make him happy. I was putting his happiness my priorities while risking my own sanity. And I thought that is what compromising all about.

There is this one time, I can’t remember what I have done actually, but I kept saying sorry because he was so pissed at me (damn! i couldn’t recalled what). And he said, he forgive me already but being an altruistic I still feel like he is still being cold and distant, and I feel like it’s my fault. So, after a while I mention I was sorry again. And he replied:

Stop saying sorry and stop repeating yourself over and over again. I heard you once, that’s enough. Stop it before I get annoyed with you.

I was head over heels in the relationship that time. Because it was the only serious relationship I ever had that we've told our parents about the engagement and wedding plans (well, for my part only I guess). So, I was worried that he might hate me or leave me (gasp!). Eventually, he decides to quit his job. I asked him if he really sure about it, and why not try to find a new job first before he quit. He told me that he could not stand working in that company anymore. He hates the environment and the workload was too much for him. So I told him that I support any decision that he wants to take. As long as he is happy. So he quit.

The funny thing is,(and terrible too) he did not even discuss with his parents on the decision of him quitting and he told me that they kinda blame me for it. And according to my friend, the one who works at the same company, he was telling his boss that I don’t want to move into his town and I pushed him to find a new job in my town. (like WTH!?)

One week after the quitting, he started to distant himself. No more calls (which is still rare), no more messages. At first, I just let him be. After a few days, I reached out to him. Telling him in my message that I missed his morning messages and goodnight messages, and I haven’t heard from him in a while even though he’s no longer working now. Guess what kind of response did I get?

What do you expect me to do?? We have time different now. When you are going to sleep I am still awake thinking about my life and my situations! I don’t even have money now. When you are going to work, I was just starting to sleep. And during the day I was covering up my sleep. There’s a lot of things I need to think. Money, Job and how to pay my bills. I can’t even afford to buy my own stuff anymore, heck I can’t even buy myself luxurious food to be consumed. Not like you! So what more do you want from me?

I was in too deep that I didn't even realized how deep I was sucked in the dirt. I remembered how scared I was that time. Scared of annoying him, scared of him leaving me behind. So again, I told him I was sorry. Sorry for not being sensitive, sorry for not being understanding enough, sorry for not able to be there for him. He make me feel like I was unworthy. And blinded by the promise of the future, I was unable to see the clear view. My heart was broken into pieces day by day starting from that day.

I go out of my way to help him, financially (yeah, yeah, everyone told me how stupid I was when they know I support him financially, I know that now). 2–3 days after I wired him the money, everything will be like normal, the happy normal..then few days after that, the cycle will continue. Saying he needed time for himself, time to think about his future and his life. He needed space. That’s what he keep telling me. As if the thousand miles between us is not spacey enough, as if one or two messages a day was too suffocating.

Little did I realized that I was being in an emotional abusive relationship. He’s the kind of person who crazy in working out. I do workout too (that’s one of the reason he was attracted to me in the first place), but I set my own pace. My work was flexible and sometimes can be tiresome. So some days I would not be doing anything. But he would force me to keep going, to the point of being angry if I missed one day of workout. Up to the point even belittle my shape, which are not the perfect body shape that he dream’t that I could be if I work for it (like I care..duh!). So I was left with being guilty and no confidence of my own body.

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The email was the start of it. The beginning of the end. He refused to answer my calls, he refused to answer my messages. The last words from him was the email. Saying if we are meant to be, we will be.

I was a wrecked. I was worse than wrecked. I feel like I was lost. Lost all meaning for life. Lost the reason to live for another day. That is how lost I felt. I cut off everyone from my life. I spend my time at work in the toilet crying. I spend my nights crying to sleep. Even my colleagues was asking why do I seem different than who I used to be. (They called me the sunshine in the office.) But during that time, I can’t even force a laugh without crying. That’s how devastating wrecked I was. I lost weight so abruptly due to the constant throw up every time I try to eat, so I end up getting my nutrients by liquids solely.

I’m gonna lie saying that I just let it go just like that. I begged. I begged him more than he deserved and more than I should. For me, if the love is still there, I still want to try and work it out. I was still hoping to fix us by compromising and sacrificing my own needs. I would do that. But he pushed me away coldblooded. Up to the point he told me:

Stop disturbing my privacy. Stop with all the begging. I need my privacy after all that you took from me.

Yes. He told me that. With malice in his tone. I was being pushed more deeper in the pit that I feel like I was so filthy. Like I was so useless to be loved by anyone else. Like I was nothing. He makes me feel like I was nothing and filthy and clingy and stupid and desperate. NO ONE. No one ever make me feel so dreadfully, horrendously sickening. No one. I bleed my own hands by biting it down every time I have the urge to find him. I told myself, enough is enough. My heart and my head was fighting over each other. What make it worse, he even told me he still loves me(that despicable brat!).

One month later, he was out and about flaunting his new girlfriend. Showing off to the world how deeply in love he is. While during my time, I was hidden from his friends and I found out that everything about the family knowing about the engagement plan, knowing about me was a big fat lie. When I used to asked him, why he never posted or show anything about us. He would be mad and told me this (while at the same time he would feel neglected if i didn't reply to his comment on my post or if i didn't post anything about him):

Does love need to have its own Standard of Procedure?? Does posting about who you are in relationship one of the procedure? Can’t love just be between two person to know? Do you want people to mock me for showing off how happy I am??

For 5 months, I was living my life like a zombie. Putting up a facade of a happy face. For 5 months, I was praying for me to see the silver lining. And now, I just realized it’s been a year and I was free. Free from an abusive person. Free from having to spend my life in the hand of an emotional abuser. Free from someone who don’t deserves me. *Big Smile*