Why Being ‘Naughty’ In Bed Is Actually Terrible For Your Love Life

It’s time to come clean about sexual shame and it’s negative impact on healthy sexuality.

Shame. It plays a central role in the common language and activities of most sex lives. Sexual shame is actually woven into our collective culture and deeply influences our individual sexuality. Have you ever noticed that the so-called “normal” language we use during sex includes so many negative words?

“Let’s be bad.” “Talk dirty to me.” “You’re so naughty.” “She‘s such a filthy girl.”

Isn’t it time to stop having “dirty” sex? Really, how on earth can we call sex “love making” and expect people to have positive attitudes about it when we also call it “nasty”? I’ve never heard the sentence “nasty lovemaking.”

First, we say sex is loving, connecting, affirming of a love relationship, and brings great joy; then, we say sex is “getting off,” hot, and all those synonyms above. These two attitudes are in conflict about the same act, the same component of human nature, and that’s one reason why sex is the focus of so much confusion.

Years ago, as a new psychologist, I puzzled over this myself when I began study sex therapy. It led me to write books and articles on the “real” nature of sexuality. From working with countless men and women on their…