Why most conversations about racism end up going terribly wrong?

A funny story happened to me that made me realize how many conversations between people of different opinions, views or backgrounds only lead to widening an already existing gap.
We seek understanding from other people so much, we rarely spend time to listen to others to understand how they think. As a result, we end up arguing with people and turn conversations into insult contests (especially on Twitter and Facebook).
Last month I was invited to a garden party organized by a colleague at work who was leaving the company. As it usually happens, for some reason, around 9–10pm, most people will start getting very honest about their feelings. So as I was walking by with a freshly-grilled chicken in my hand I stumbled across this particularly interesting conversation about racism.
There were two people. One English guy in his 50s and a Polish guy in his 20s. Let’s just call them Oliver and Miroslaw for the purpose of this story.
So I stopped, said hi and let them carry on with their conversation. Looking back it must have felt a bit awkward. Two Europeanes talking freely about racism and then an African guy shows up and says “Hey, carry on guys, as if I wasn’t here”. No pressure! I was really curious to know what they were talking about.

I don’t know what they were talking about before I came but after I joined Oliver started explaining to Miroslaw how the British government didn’t do enough to educate our generation (millennials) about the impact of British colonialism and racism in the last centuries. He even went further and said that this is the reason why we, English people, can’t relate and truly understand what these immigrants and their families went through to come here. And that’s why many English people would be quick to judge and tell these immigrants to get over it, whenever they complain.

Miroslaw agreed. He said “I agree, racism is still around and I don’t understand it. I’ve met so many smart and interesting people from different backgrounds here in the UK!”

I was really pleased to hear that we can agree on such important matters that affect all of us.
Then Miroslaw added, “It’s so true, English people are so racist!”.

Which really surprised me and Oliver, I believe for the very same reason. I, a guy who spent his entire life in Czech (not far from Poland), was surprised because in my mind I was like “Really, Miroslaw?! Really?! Only English people can be racist?”. But I know that Miroslaw knew that it’s not just an English-specific problem.
Then he explained — “When we go out with friends and talk to English girls, we laugh and dance, but the minute they realise we’re Polish, they start looking down on us and treat us as if we were beneath them. English people are very racist!” he said with a disappointed look on his face.
Oliver responded — “Well, yeah young people these days, you know how they are…”. But Miroslaw kept going on and on about how the young generations of English people care only about superficial things and so on.
I saw how Oliver couldn’t hold it anymore — “Listen!” he said. “I’ve been in a restaurant once where there was an African family sitting at the table. The African lady wanted to stand up and her chair accidentally bumped into the chair behind her where there was a Polish family having dinner. The Polish lady turned and started yelling at the African lady using racist words to describe her appearance. You guys can be racist, too!” he said. And then both of them started telling stories and accusing people from the other Country of being racist.

So wait a second, this doesn’t make any sense! How did we go from agreeing that racism is bad and we should do something about it all the way to (two Europeans) throwing accusations at each other about who’s more racist?!
So what went wrong?
Tribalism — The defensive mode
This made me realise that this is exactly the same pattern that I’ve seen many many times especially on social media whenever there’s a conversation between people with different opinions or backgrounds. You see that on TV, on the news, debates, basically every day.
I’m sure you’ve seen one of these Cable news sh*tshows many times where you can’t hear anything but subject “experts” shouting at eachother and you couldn’t understand a single word. That’s what get them many many clicks, though.
The answer is Tribalism. Tribalism has been here since the beginning of ages. A tribe could be a nation, a religion, an ideology or a political view. We are social creatures and we tend to group with people who are like us. A tribe is a group of people that believe in the things that we believe in.
I’m pretty sure, both Oliver and Miroslaw knew very well, that racism is not an English specific problem and they both agreed that racism is bad, yet as soon as you attack a member of the tribe (the racist English lady in the bar in this case), people tend to defend their own, even if they don’t agree with them. It’s an obligation we feel towards our tribe / group.
And as soon as you put someone in the defensive mode, you’ve lost your chances to win them on your side.
If you are on the side that seeks understanding, show understanding first!
I see this very often among the conversations on Twitter and it really hurts me when I see people trying to prove their point by showing how the other side is wrong. If you are on the side that seeks understanding, show understanding first! Dear women, people of colour, Muslims, Jews and Christians, if you feel oppressed and misunderstood, learn about those people who don’t get it. Understand why they think this way. Find a middle ground and work on expanding it. Every fruitful conversation starts with an agreement.
