It’s rude to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. (Unless you’re a writer.)
If I don’t acknowledge the books I copied from, it’s because I’m protecting my sources.
If you tell me one of your story ideas, I promise to change at least one of the character’s names before I write my own version.
If I base a character on you, I promise to make their dialog wittier than yours.
If you tell me a personal story in strict confidence I promise to wait at least a week before incorporating it into a story.
As a straight white man I promise to turn your experiences of oppression and suffering into some truly kickass stories.
If you say something on Twitter I don’t agree with, I promise to be generous with my opinion.
If you follow more than 5000 people on Twitter, I promise not to follow you back. (Unless your profile photo is really hot).
If you accept my friend request, I promise to wait at least a day before asking you to like my writing page.
If you ever send me email for any reason, I promise to add you to my mailing list.
I promise not to buy my way onto a bestseller list unless my book absolutely deserves it.
If you use a pseudonym I promise not to reveal your legal name (Unless it is for your own good.)
If you write a negative review of my book I promise not to stalk you. (Unless it is absolutely necessary).
I promise to ask my family, friends, acquaintances, and their pets to vote for my book in reader polls.
If you do a sensitivity read for me and there are any issues with my book, I promise to direct all questions to you.
If you refuse my charmingly polite request to blurb my book I promise to add you to The List.
I promise to judge you by the worst book in your favorite genre.
If you have any concerns about the genre your book is being marketed as, you should take my definitive Facebook Quiz: What genre is your book?
To comply with forthcoming Eurovision legislation, if you send me videos of bad Eurovision entries, I promise to mock you on social media.