Last night was… do i can even call it a night. It was empty… no sleep, no dream, no company. Just me, laying on my too big bed, in a too big bedroom, in a too big apartment… in a too big life… watching the ceiling and wondering when would sleep come to me. Last night was… me and my insomnia, me and emptiness…me and loneliness.
Forgive me if I may seem depressed. I’m not. I’m happy in my life, I have great friends, I’m going to start the studies of my life, my dear ones are safe and sound and I think a boy loves me at least as much as I love him… But I just feel like… I’m watching this happy life come and go in front of me as if it was a movie and I was just a spectator… not an actress of my own life’s movie.
I feel totally… out of step. As if this life was mine but not really. And this leads to loneliness…Loneliness in a full and happy life is the worst. I feel like I am alone everywhere I go. Even when I’m surrounded with people I care about… I feel like I’m not there. As if I was looking through myself. Like a ghost, wondering around its old body and asking himself if he should get back to life or join the light…but i’m no ghost. I’m alive and sane… I should not feel like this ! I should… What should I feel…? I don’t even know. As if I had spent my life watching myself from outside and never lived the life I had. Because maybe, just maybe, it’s not the purpose of life… being lived. Maybe, you’re just supposed to see yourself live.
How sad would it be if this was the real meaning of life. Looking yourself go through troubles, successes and other events of minor importance. How sad would it be if this life was just meant to go on… without anything at the end. I’m part of those who see life as a long path we are walking through with different choices, meets and greets… sometimes you’ll just stop on the side of the road to take your breathe back… or you will just run as fast as you can to avoid some people or moments that you wish never met your way. I see life as a beautiful we need to live fully, with our full soul and heart. because we only have one, don’t we ? even if, i’m sure there is something after… it won’t be life as we know it today. It will be something else. Other choices. Different melodies. New purposes.
loneliness is not about how many friends you have anymore, it’s about feeling disconnected from the world
So I’m here, laying in bed and I look at my life as I lived it since… since I got conscious this was my life and not somebody else’s… I can’t really remember when it was… I was 16 maybe… I don’t really know. All I know is that I woke up on day and I figured out that this was my life. I had to live it. Not suffer it. So I decided to take the responsibilities for living my life… How hard was it ? really really hard. but so worth it. I guess… At least I try to tell myself it was worth it. That I did not go through this for no reason. That what I did that day, when I decided that this was my life and not her’s, was the right thing to do.
The right thing to do, hun ? who knows… All I know is that my life today is… happier. shinier. but more over… mine. I make my mistakes, I have my success. I breath, sing, draw, run, laugh… never stop living. And it feels great… at least during the day . Cause when I’m back home, back to my too big for myself apartment, that I lay down in my too big for myself bed, in a too dark and silent for myself darkness, I’m not feeling this greatness. I’m just feeling… empty. As if that new day was just… another day I got through.
People spend their life seeking happiness. In love, in money, in success… everybody has it’s own goal. Mine ? I guess it would be… to feel full. To feel like waking up in the morning, to want to live another day… to live another time the life I have. this enviable life that i’m not even enjoying. But it’s not like there is one technique to learn how to enjoy your life. So until I find a reason to enjoy it… I’ll just live it. Remember the ones that made it better, forgive those who tried to make it bad, and try to go my own way without troubling with was it not worth troubling myself with. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll enjoy it one day. Because of someone, something or… somewhere ? I can’t read the future. I can just hope it will be going better and better…
But if I really think about it… am I the only one feeling that way ? Have you ever looked upon the internet searching “loneliness” “quotes” “definition” “trouble”… recently it turned out that loneliness was no more just about being alone. it was just the feeling of it. The fact of feeling alone even when you’re not. Loneliness is not about how many friends you have anymore, it’s about feeling disconnected from the world. You are part of social networks, of communities, groups… you may have friends, acquaintances, family, coworkers… but you still feel lonely. As if, these people were part of your life but that your just conscious of yourself and you can’t really link to them.