Realising that you need to cry.
The other weekend it would have been my Dad’s birthday . The first , and yes I know the firsts are always the worst , or so everyone tells me .
I was fine until I saw a beautifully worded and pictured tribute to him from my niece . In saying fine , I was hanging in there hoping I could hold it together.
Epic fail !! I was a mess and I cried for such a time anyone would think I only just found out that he was gone . I had to leave the room and I felt like I needed a “sanctuary “. So I bolted off upstairs and found myself in his bedroom , talking to him .
Now I know I was there a long time . How long I don’t know .
My mom came up and I was stunned at her reaction of “stop it! You can’t cry!”. She hides pretty well her own emotions , or she thinks she does . For months now she’s encouraged everyone to let it go and cry when you need to .
I felt like she was saying I had no right to cry. I have realised since then , through going back on so many discussions we’ve had over many a month that what she meant was “If you cry I can’t make it through today “.
I admit I was both hurt and angry when she said what she did , and maybe it should be kept private , but getting it out is allowing me to think and let go a little , so please forgive my self indulgence .
I realised that she in her way is comparing me to my Dad. If I can be strong for her , then she can get through . We shared many similar tastes and dreams . And a sense of humour that we alone shared . So now I come to the moment of realisation . I didn’t see it before . Maybe I wasn’t meant to? When I had some people say I was harsh or tough (neither of which I am , if you actually know me!!), it has taken a while to see that while I was being compared to my Grandmother (in their eyes a bad thing) , my Dad would nod and smile and say that’s my girl , my sweetheart I am proud of you, and She would be too.
So what if I am a “crutch “ if my mom needs it? If she can talk to me okay too .
Sometimes it’s hard when the words said and the words meant differ so greatly. I am glad I didn’t act in the heat of the moment and bite back.
What didn’t hit me till later was how little I’ve cried. In front of anyone . I cry a bit but hide it behind closed doors , locked away just incase someone sees. I am trying to let this habit go a little …..