3 Tips for Thriving When Your Lover Dumps You
Did your lover dump you? Are you feeling blue…ANGRY… hurt..confused?
I understand. My new lover, who said he was crazy about me and would do anything for me, left for a meditation retreat and seven weeks later, I still haven’t heard from him. Of course, he may have experienced enlightenment and chose to leave his body for universal bliss, but I doubt it.
Although our love affair was new, I’ve known my lover, who I now call Houdini, for four years. As my friend, he stood by me through some stressful life events. I consider him a good guy. Good and flawed.
So when he didn’t call right after the meditation retreat, I wasn’t concerned. I thought he was taking space to process his meditative experience. Thus, I spent the first week without him focused on my business. I got a lot done.
The second week I woke in the middle of the night crying. I spent the week feeling small, hurt, and fragile.
By the third week I had transformed into Tawanda, The Angry Warrior Woman. I couldn’t understand how he could treat me with such disrespect. After all, he said he was crazy about me and would do anything for me. Yeah, right!
But by the fourth week, disgusted with rehearsing conversations I may never have, I chose to get out of my head and re-center myself. That’s when things changed.
During this time, the universe generously provided me with three tips for thriving when a lover leaves which I’d like to pass on to you this Valentine’s Day season.
Tip #1: Clarify Your Vision of Love
Instead of focusing on how you can get your lover to return, stop trying to control the situation. Take your power back by placing your center of attention inside yourself and identify what YOU truly want in a love relationship.
Don’t replay tender moments from the past. Let go of recriminations. Step into the now and feel every part of you breathe. Use meditation, prayer, music, a nature walk or anything that works for you to shift into an open, spacious, centered experience.
Once you’ve called a time out from following the bouncing emotions of your loss, sink into the calm of a harmonious environment. Then ask yourself and write down the answer to the following:
If I knew I couldn’t fail and that I was absolutely worthy of it, what is the vision of love I wish to manifest?
Don’t worry if your vision sounds corny or unrealistic. Don’t base it on your past or your friends’ relationships. If you feel embarrassed by it and/or if it makes every part of you smile, know that you have spoken your truth. Write it from your heart as a prayer and say it aloud without judging it. Let it sink into every cell of your being.
If your lover returns vowing to be more committed or sensitive, you can negotiate from strength because you know what is truly important to you. And if your lover doesn’t reappear, you are still stronger because you have reclaimed your integrity. Consider that your lover was your teacher and your experience, no matter how painful, a worthwhile lesson to help you grow.
Tip # 2: Ask yourself what’s holding you back from fully committing to your vision of love.
I read a quote recently from American football coach, Tom Landry which said, “A coach is someone who tells you what you don’t want to hear, who has you see what you don’t want to see, so you can be who you’ve always known you can be.” When your lover leaves, you need to engage in some self-coaching.
Tell yourself the truth, the whole truth so help you G-d. Start by asking yourself…
What are the beliefs and fears that limit me from attaining my vision of love?
Once you’ve identified them, ask yourself whose beliefs and fears they are — Your mother’s, your 12 year old self, or the smaller, less confident one in you? Are these beliefs true or merely assumptions based on past experience and who you used to be? What lessons do they offer?
It doesn’t matter if you are a technology genius, a powerful CEO, or the world’s next Beyonce. While you are large in one area of your life, you may be small in another realm.
Instead of shaming or blaming yourself, thank the smaller version of you for getting you to where you are today. Bless it and release it as you no longer need it.
It’s time to find a new spaciousness within you which will birth the next best version of you.
Tip #3 Sense in your mind/body what it feels like to live your vision
I loved the person I was with my lover. I felt open, sexy, sensual, witty and creative. I was loving, and full of mischief. Thus, I not only missed my lover when he left, I missed me.
Often we credit our lovers for making us happy and for bringing out the best in us. Although our lovers can be the wind beneath our wings, we forget that the state of happiness and the qualities we experience are within us. When this occurs, reclaim yourself.
By taking time to embody the qualities your vision elicits, you not only step into a higher functioning and happier you, you are more likely to attract the love your really want. Ask yourself…
How spacious and expanded would my presence be if I were living my vision of love?
FEEL IT NOW
What qualities would easily emanate through me?
FEEL THEM NOW and let them fill the room
Also ask yourself how would the way you walk and the way you dress change? How would living your vision shift how you perceive yourself and your place in the world?
Although I still care for my disappearing lover, lately I’ve been stepping into the joy and sensuality I often experienced in his presence. In these moments I also feel empowered and unstoppable. The message is, I’m not only coming back, I’m better than ever. Amazing Grace!
Although loss may break your heart, life teaches that what is yours comes to you and what is not yours goes away. Though you may not initially understand why people and things come and go as they do, trust it. Over time, when the heart heals it becomes crystal clear.
In the meantime, follow the clues life offers as you walk through challenging times. Allow your intuition to guide you rather than the voices of your thinking mind.
Thus, I wasn’t surprised when the other day I heard Oprah interviewing President Jimmy Carter. It was as if the former president was speaking directly to me. “When you have a failure in life,” he said, “try for things even greater.”
For a moment, my heart opened I could actually sense the presence of a man as good as Houdini and who also had the interest and ability to stay present within the relationship. That’s when I knew that if I stayed committed to it, someday, in the not too distant future, my vision of love would manifest. Life works!
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Aimee Bernstein is am executive coach, psychotherapist and author of Stress Less Achieve More: Simple Ways to Turn Pressure into a Positive Force in Your Life ( AMACOM 2015) www.stresslessachievemore.com She can be reached at Aimee@OpenMindAdventures.com