Confidence is the real unicorn for most entrepreneurs
This topic has long been on my mind; it’s a hard one to talk about and even more challenging to deal with. Between rapid prototyping, design thinking, agile development, lean startup planning, and other frameworks, feedback has been idolized by our generation of entrepreneurs. I confess I’ve become a feedback junkie after my time in start-up-land, building the right kind of mental muscle to endure blunt and bold observations. As constructive as feedback is (or can be), it seems it’s freely and generously offered a lot more often than reassuring, empowering and validating words. Just like in the jungle, in entrepreneurship the strongest and most confident tend to win. The obvious question then stands: how does one maintain blooming confidence in an environment that breaks you down bit by bit every day?
One law of entrepreneurship: customer feedback must fuel the innovation process, and that’s a wonderful thing when you learn to separate the wheat from the chaff — take in what is useful and discard what is misaligned with the vision. However, we are not naturally taught to thrive through criticism. Just like any other animal, we seek reward. Even in structures that are designed to educate, feedback is usually perceived as a synonym for criticism. Schools reward with grades and friendly comments on report cards and punish through “feedback”. We, unfortunately, have been trained to place our value in others’ validation. Feedback often becomes a lens to understand just how we fail to fulfill those external expectations instead of a tool to understand another person’s different perspective (which may not be better, just different). As a result, most entrepreneurs don’t know how to manage the overload of honest opinions they get from day zero and are at high risk of burning out.
About two-thirds of the female entrepreneurs I’ve met recently all expressed a similar concern — being judged by their lack of confidence. In reality, I don’t really think that they’re merely short on confidence, but that they don’t emphasize their perspective as the right one enough. Women tend to be more willing to consider all options and views — they’re more multi-taskers and multi-thinkers, and that means they often can understand and even empathize with all sorts of feedback. Whether that is driven by biology or society is for me to say, but what I can say is that there is an unusual number of girls and women who feel depleted of confidence and can’t seem to find a good enough answer to “how do I build my confidence?” Honestly, I get it, I used to be “exhibit A.”
Over time, I found a few tactics that indeed helped to build up my confidence in my work and myself, and therefore, enabled me to effectively work with all sorts of feedback. I also asked what worked for friends in the startup world, and here is, hopefully, a little arsenal for you.
1. Accept that you have a complicated relationship with feedback and face why it bothers you;
2. Early ideas and sparks of creativity are precious and vulnerable; incubate them and protect them until you can develop a vision of your own, then go about sharing and discovering;
3. Understand that there are people who are “reformers” and will try to add value by finding ways to improve your idea. It doesn’t matter if they agree with 99%, they’ll offer their contribution by focusing on the 1% that could be better. These people are precious, and you should feel grateful for having one of them around, but know when to ask for their opinion. Remember, they’re “perfectors” not “creators;”
4. Listen to your customers, listen to advisors and experts, and listen to people who know your strengths. Care for your confidence just like, if not more than, any other business asset;
5. Study psychology and mental frameworks. Some of frameworks try to put you in a box, but there are tools like the Enneagram or Myers Briggs that can help you understand what box you put yourself into and how to get out;
6. Find a mentor who challenges you, believes in you, and whom you respect;
7. Mentor others by providing them with a little of your time and knowledge. You’ll be amazed by how many times you’ll catch yourself speaking truth to others that might as well have been said to you;
8. Notice what image you’re trying to convey to others and what you would really be pleased doing. For example, if you’re not a Type A hard-worker, then think about embracing your diplomatic and relational skills instead of trying to become Type A;
9. Treat your idea always like an experiment. You’re the scientist, and before anything else, you’re committed to proving or disproving a hypothesis. This mindset will let feedback build you up and not break down your confidence;
10. Learn to say no and to articulate your preferences clearly. Don’t let others decide who you are and where you should be. This happens a lot to women who are often told that they’re a great conversationalist and creative individual. If you are the more analytical and objective kind of person, don’t settle for anything other than that;
11. Experiment every now and then during networking events. Try, for example, introducing yourself in a way that makes you proud of who you are. Notice what you choose to say, and how people react to your enthusiasm;
12. Invest time building who you are and what you believe in — you’re as exciting as you allow yourself to be;
13. Ask why when you don’t agree or understand a piece of feedback. The “why” can prove to be more useful than the “what”;
14. Learn what energizes you and take time to power-up whenever your batteries are running low on confidence or motivation;
15. Instead of focusing on what is lacking in yourself, try looking at how your work impacts your customers, team, and investors. Take every piece of feedback as a chance to do an even better job. Decide to do this every day.
I’d love to hear some other ways that entrepreneurs out there are using to build their confidence. And, if this was helpful, please let me know by giving it a clap :)
