Only what you think matters…..
9.05pm. Eating a bag of chips (even though i have felt sick all day). Watching Harry Potter. Thinking i should write something. I’m tired.
Had another episode this morning where i couldn’t keep myself awake. Was falling asleep on the couch with Kenny in my arms so i decided to put him down to go to sleep and put Summer into bed. I went and got the bin and bought it in but when i was walking up and down the driveway i could feel myself dozing off. Ending up going and laying on the couch and sleeping for just over 2 hours… lucky the kids slept as well.
I’v been having these episodes now for a while. All started with my arms tingling 5/6 weeks ago. Then my arms and legs started aching real bad. Meanwhile this whole time i have been having more and more mornings where i just can’t keep myself awake. I have to go sleep and even then im still tired in the morning. I am seeing a doctor but blood tests have come back fairly normal so he isn’t sure either!
This brings me to the health part of my anxiety. What my previous psychologist called ‘Health Anxiety’ (original i know!). Basically i had a really bad habit of googling illness and always fearing the worst case scenario. Every little symptom i was worried about and reacted upon. I have a really low pain threshold which has caused some serious fear and anxiety around that as well. Anyway because i used to over react to illness i now think that everyone doesn’t believe me. I feel like there is really something not right with me at the moment. It’s not normal to be tingling and so tired all the time. But i feel like because i’m not dying people don’t believe me. Including my doctor. I had a breakdown over this last weekend and Heath reassured me he believes me.
There is a certain part of the anxiety that can make you think of the what if’s.. and usually the first place you go to will be the worst case scenario. You could ponder on this right up until the even or findings out and then what it happens you start to look back on what happened and examine every single second and part of what happened. What could you have done better, what could i have said differently, what did that person think of me or what i said? This stuff goes round and round in circles. I know this is what happens to me and after talking to some other people with anxiety it seems to be a fairly common occurrence.
For this i really recommend meditation. I was introduced to meditation by Peter who is a lovely nurse at the Agnes unit at LRH and he talked us through a guided meditation. It’s about being in that moment. Being aware of your body and your surroundings in that particular moment. The closest thing i have found to his meditation is an ap called ‘Headspace’. A brilliant meditation ap worth giving a try! Only takes you to take 10 minutes for yourself out of your busy day to stop and breathe and meditate to slow down your thoughts and calm down a bit. To shift your thoughts to come back to that present moment.
Other then that i am still working the pondering bit out myself. I replay things over and over again sometimes for days or even a few weeks after i did it. I am slowly learning to actually not care what other people might think! That’s definitely helping me to not ponder on the past or anticipate the future. Think this one is going to be a long slow process… But baby steps right?
So i have stopped googling illness and i have stopped watching any shows relating to medical conditions or even with anything related to the medical field in it. This has slowed down my anxiety around illness heaps! Suppose it means i don’t have those idea’s of worst case scenario being planted in my head. Conscious or subconsciously.
The important thing is that even though you read what i an others might be doing. The suggestions are only suggestions. You need to find what works for you. Trying whatever you can until something helps! You are not alone in this battle. Anxiety is more common than we think. It just affects different people differently. Hence why you should find what works for you. :D
I’m going to finish watching Potter.
Quote of the night….
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
Aimee J xx