“Mommy, You’re Losing Your Hair”
I wake up to my daughter with my hair in her hand…”Mommy, its happening”. She is not surprised, but genuinely disappointed. It is something that I have prepared them for a long time. My oldest daughter comes in the room, looking deflated. “I’m sorry”, she says. She has no idea about what else to say, who would? They ask what I am going to do, and I said that I have to shave it all off and I will start wearing wigs and scarves. My son to the rescue with comic relief “Well you can go to the barbershop I go to, and maybe they will give you an edge up too”. Tyler is just an effortlessly funny kid, I love it.
As they get ready for school, I have some time to myself to reflect and honestly, it just hurts. It seems so cruel and unfair. I am just a young mom trying to work my butt off every day and take care of my children. Why do things have to be so hard? I do not want my children to have to experience this. Sure people say it will give them character. Honestly, fuck character. What about sadness? Heartbreak? Distraction? In addition, other changes to their life that they do not deserve. I sit there in front of the mirror somewhere between feeling sorry for myself and feeling liberated in preparing to shave my head. It’s time to wrap the pity party up, get on with the day and get ready for work and take my kids to school.
Call it unhealthy or what have you, but I do not allow myself much time to “feel” every feeling about this whole cancer thing. The more I allow myself to succumb to every bit of it, the more it defines me, and it is just now who I am. The cancer does not have me, I have the cancer, this is temporary and we are fighting this. I choose to focus more on the solution then the problem; it works for me. So I get up and go to work, every day. No matter how tired, how sick, how sad. I keep our routine. I wake my kids up with lots of pep and love every morning, drive them to school and head on to work. By no means am I saying I am some sort of robot who is immune to everything, have I clearly felt everything. It is just not going to overpower my life and be the center of my universe.
Losing my hair was one of the things that has stressed me the most about this whole situation, in addition to trying to come to terms with how a combination of toxic chemicals being infused through my body for hours at a time will really help me in the long run. (Which I am still not a peace with). But it’s hair..and mine has been long, for a long time. On day where I feel my face looks like crap, I still may have a good hair day. When I’m bored I play with it, when I want to look nice, I curl it. I get up and straighten it every day. Doing my hair is part of my daily routine, since I’ve been old enough to do my own hair. Then comes, will I look stupid in a scarf? Will I tie it the right way? So many questions, it’s brand new territory. Nevertheless, I will get through it.
I would lose all my fingers and toes if it meant that I could be here with my children and watch them grow up. This I do know. That’s what keeps my grounded and positive, because it’s for them. I’m not sure of the reasoning as to why I have to deal with something so difficult is, but this is our reality and I will do every single thing I have to do to eradicate this cancer from my life. For them.
Losing Hair After Chemotherapy.